28 October 2006
This morning I woke up and knew I had to eat, so made a fried egg - not spectacular - but it was food - on my way out the door to class. Class was a lot of training - I was tired... I drank plenty of water, but I survived on the small "breakfast" I ate (if that's what you want to call it).
My son and I came home and I took a nap - I was exhausted. I took him to a halloween party and then I went to dinner with my mom. I had a stomach ache and felt nausious, maybe because I hadn't eaten. I ate my salad and had a few bites of my meal, and brought the rest home. It was hard - I love mexican food, but I didn't want to eat it... I need to control my intake.
When I dropped my son off, I got to see more "perfect" people with "perfect" bodies looking "perfect" to all the guys. I get so frustrated. I hate my tummy from the baby. I can't get it to go away. I still want plastic surgery. I wish I could be pretty, thin, etc, etc, etc. I get so angry. I'm not sure who I'm mad at - I'm not sure who to blame - but if I can get my thinking on track, I can be the one in control. That's what I need - I need to be in control...
27 October 2006
26 October 2006
I felt like I was the biggest dork on earth and that everyone's problems or anger was caused by me. (I probably wasn't the cause, but then again...)
I am sitting here, in my sweats and a big baggy sweatshirt, trying to clear my mind by writing, but it's not working. I want to just crawl into my bed, pull the covers over me and hide forever. I feel like a miserable piece of shit today.
I don't like feeling like this, but I don't know how to shake it. I want to just curl up and die... so no one will have to deal with my mistakes or put up with my depressing attitude.
I am scared and alone.
I guess I just figure that if people are miserable, it's because I, myself, have done something wrong, or done something to upset them. It never crosses my mind that maybe there are other reasons... I automatically figure it's me... me... all me...
I believe this has a lot to do with my OCD personality - I want everyone to be happy and I feel that if they are miserable, then I haven't given enough of myself or I have made a mistake. Then, if others aren't happy, then I get upset because that's probably my fault too - when suffering from depression.
Living a life in the mindset of an OCD behavior, where everything has to be "just so"... or in my case... perfect... it makes life hard. It's tough enough to keep myself in line, let alone keep the world around me in sync.
I am a victim of behavioral disorders that I have tried so many times to overcome and recover from, but I keep getting sucked down into the darkness. My mind starts to play tricks on me and I feel as if I'm to blame when someone else has a problem - like it's my fault and I cause it, some way, shape, or form.
22 October 2006
It has been almost 2 weeks since I have taken my medication for my anxiety disorder. I haven't taken it because my son needed to see his doctor and have his medicine, and the cash flow was tight. I guess he was more important than me. I can deal with myself if I'm not medicated, but I'm not sure if anyone else can. I need to make sure my son is good tho. He is harder to handle when he is missing his meds.
I can tell I've been off my meds because I am getting very scatter-brained and very short-fused. I try not to, but it suddenly seems like everyone is pushing my buttons and picking a fight with me. Or maybe it's just that I am tettering on the edge of a mental breakdown.
I have had this discussion with a few other people and they tell me that it is all in my head. God, I wish I could belileve it, but it's not true. They feel stress and frustration, but they have no clue... once again leading back to "you can't say you understand or tell someone how to fix it if you have never been in the situation".
As I have mentioned, I am a girl who is struggling - I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My meds help regulate my depressive thoughts of eating disorders, cutting, and self-inflicted injury.
I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it because so many just do not understand what is happening.
I'm not sure what to do, but I just wanted to talk.
Thanks for listening...
Your friend, Tere
21 October 2006
Here are all these girls/ladies who have had babies and they are still "perfect" - thin bodies, tight jeans, and everything just in the right place. It did not look like any of them had kids - let alone more than one. I had one and my body has gone straight to hell.
I really hate perfect people.
I wish I had a thin, sexy bikini body. I wish I had a perfect husband, who is caring, sensitive, helpful, and cute (an added bonus). I wish I had a house of my own and a sporty car to drive. I wish I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck.
What am I doing wrong? Why did I draw the short straw on the whole relationship / child-bearing / future happiness poker game???
I am so frustrated I want to scream!
19 October 2006
I am constantly moving and constantly doing something... but when I stop moving, C-YA!!!! I am out!
This past week has been bad. I was out of town last weekend and was tired of driving and life in general by the time I made it home. I then opted to get on the computer and that shot the rest of my night... and that led into my nasty habit of little or no sleep all week.
I went to bed WAYYYYY too late Sunday, Monday was work and then had some errands to run and things to take care of, Tuesday I had work, got home from class late, and then sat on the internet for 3 hours... Oh yeah, and then yesterday was exactly like Tuesday. I have spent more time on the internet in the past week than I have for a long time.
It seems like addiction will keep you up until all hours doing things that you probably shouldn't be, but man, when the sun comes up the next morning, pain sets in... and it's miserable.
So right now, lack of sleep and lots of B-12 is running my life. And I am ready to drop in exhaustion... and by the way, I guess not eating because I'm angry with myself isn't helping...
17 October 2006
Yesterday I drank water and green tea, ate a few pieces of candy, and had dinner. For the most part, I did good enough for the numbers to drop, but I know, in my mind, that doing it that way was wrong - my tummy talked to me all day, but I ignored it.
Okay, so maybe I am not condoning the way I dropped a few pounds, but it does help me get my mind and focus back in check... seeing I can't reach around to give myself a swift kick!!!!!!
16 October 2006
15 October 2006
I am stuck on the eatng disorder situation - an obsessive compulsive with anorexic and bulemic tendencies. I am also sexually frustrated... I have been alone for so long - I like to read erotica, I even do some writing. I feel sexually disfunctioned - I'm not sure how to express myself...
It seems that the lines I am walking are between worlds that are Taboo... anorexia, bulemia, erotica, sexual pleasure, porn, you name it...
I am just VERY frustrated and I want to satisfy myself by feeling good.
Have a good weekend...
13 October 2006
I'm having some issues with my body image lately. I look at myself and feel okay when the lights are dim (VERY dim) or when I am in a certain position, but otherwise I feel like a fat, gross, ugly pig. I am a girl of broad shoulders and great muscle mass, but my body drives me nuts. I look down and hate myself. I see what having a child has done to my body. I am so angry. I love my son with all my heart, but I could not mentally and emotionally have another child, the stress would kill me. I want to see if I can cut out enough calories to burn off that stupid "kangaroo pouch"... I know, logically, it's NOT possible - the skin is way too stretched, that nothing will get rid of it, but I feel that if I try... I mean REALLY try - maybe it will. I have even been one to try pretty much all the diet pills on the market... the only thing I have lost is money - they are useless... unless someone has found an over the counter diet pill that actually works... help me here. It's gotta to be either starve myself or try whatever pills are available... but maybe someday I can afford to go under the knife and solve at least one of my problems...
Thanks for listening...
Anyway, back to what I started with... I have found someone who TOTALLY turns me on. He knows it... and I think he enjoys the "bond" we share. His smile melts me and his body turns me on. I can't help but watch him walk by and I casually brush against him when I get the chance. The smell of his body, of his cologne, fills my senses and relaxes me. I want to touch him so I have his scent on me, so I have him with me. He is just sexy, in his own way, and makes my heart beat fast. He knows what to say to turn me on. He knows how to raise my blood pressure and how to make me blush. He even knows how to make my body hard and he always lets me know when he sees my chest is standing at attention. At first it felt wierd, but now that I know he is looking and it turns him on, it turns me on too. I want him to run his fingertips over them, touching the soft, yet firmness. Is that wrong? It is wrong that thinking of that makes me rush really bad. My body gets hot and sweaty, I get damp and moist, and just want to find him next to me, holding me close and snuggling against me. I close my eyes and imagine him with me. Our bodies together, just melting into one, the heat relaxing us both, nothing to disturb us, nothing to break us. Maybe I have been alone too long. Maybe he has come along to give me a reason to live. I don't know, but part of me feels wierd having thoughts like this, yet part of me shudders at the thought of him touching me and being physically close to me.
Today was a busy day at work with an over-abundance to do... and I really... REALLY hate to ask for help... I feel that if it lands on my desk, it's mine to finish... or die trying (it's the "Take Ownership" thing we learned about in a meeting). Definitely a bad thing to define when discussing it with an Obsessive Compulsive person... too bad, for so many, hind site is 20/20.
Anyway, I woke up late, went in early, busted my ass, worked late, ran errands, ate dinner, and then did a barrage of things around the house that needed to be done... like packing for my weekend trip tomorrow morning... I guess looking at a duffle bag with my swimming suit and haircare products IS NOT going to get the packing done... maybe if I just think a little harder????
I even brought home a whole pile of work to do... but as you can tell, I am using the computer to do "other things" instead of work... I guess work can wait until Sunday night... oh hell, how about we just wait till Monday morning, at work... sounds kinda good.
I have been multi-tasking since I got home... keeping my child on track, trying to pack (Yeah, right), updating my blogger site, checking out other sites, playing with our cats, cleaning out my car, emptying the trash, you name it...
I am starting to get tired... it's been a long day with quite a bit of stress... but if I lay down to watch tv, I might as well write myself off until morning... and then I'll be in a rush all over again...
I guess we''ll see.
But when you have the one who looks great dressed up, it's even more of a turn on when they come through the door wearing a terrific sweater! I guess you have to understand what you see when he walks through the door - he is tall and lean, a sweet smile on his face, that seductive twinkle in his eye, nice-fitting dress pants (if you know what I mean), and this awesome sweater. You know the kind - the one that is actually kinda soft and fuzzy, but looks so clean and sharp. The kind I would like to put on and just snuggle up in.
Nothing is more comforting and sexy than snuggling up and feeling the fuzzy soft sweater material against my skin.
I wanted, so bad, to walk up behind him, and wrap my arms around his chest, resting my head on the soft material, smelling his cologne, feeling his warmth radiating. But even better yet, would have been to slide my hands under the sweater and enjoy the softness of the sweater, the feel of him warm lean body, and the smell of his cologne, that takes me away to a place of no stress.
09 October 2006
It seems as though a person in the Customer Service field is one that can handle being yelled at, blamed, accused, and NEVER right. Remember, everyone else is right - customer service people are always wrong. (no matter what, no matter how right we are).
Why are we always the bad people? Customers don't like our answers, our buyers don't like our demands, the manufacturing floor think we're being asses, just because we can. (I really wish I could be a bitch "just because" and make obnoxious demands "for the fun of it" and be this way because "I have nothing better to do".) Yeah, good luck on that - hell, I can't even get out of the office on time because everyone else has something critical that has to be handled.
Tell you what... take my job for a day (if you're lucky to last that long), and see why any person in customer service has the temperment they do... just deal with the people I deal with on a daily basis (maybe even more than once or twice a day) and you try to be pleasant and polite to those around you as they wonder why you haven't gotten the other 15 tasks done that have no definite critical need. Talk to the customers who have people yelling at them, or talk to people who have broken things that need replacement so they don't lose money, or talk to me and ask me WHY THE HELL AM I IN CUSTOMER SERVICE, by choice, taking daily abuse...
I haven't found ONE person who would do my job - they think I am absolutely nuts to have done this for so long... maybe I am and that's why I do it...
Go figure!!!!! It's the nature of the business, the nature of the position, and the nature of the beast.
It was disturbing to realize how many people suffer and try to get help. It's even more-so on how many suffer day-by-day in silence because people do not understand. In today's society, it's easier to deny the problem than trying to find a way to fix something like this.
I have to say, I have been there. I have been anorexic and I still fall into the self-starvation mode when I feel the numbers on the scale are not being nice. I may get a craving and then eat, after which I feel like absolute shit, so I head to the bathroom, lock the door and purge. Otherwise, laxatives work well, except for the cramping that doubles me over. I have also been known to get totally stressed and numb, which is where the cutting disorder rears it's head. Feeling the blade pierce the skin makes me feel like I am truly still human - waking me from a scary dark fog that clouds my mind. The sharp pain is a reminder. It's scary and kinda gross, but not much worse than starving or purging.
Disorders are bad and can do some serious damage. As I have mentioned previously, I have been a closet sufferer for so many years. My parents and friends would never understand, so it is much easier to keep it quiet. Although, admitting it is the first step, getting help is the big one. It won't go away on it's own - it's a skeleton that hangs in your closet, no matter how well you feel you have confonted it. Unless you get professional help, that skeleton will keep swinging the door open and showing itself.
If you don't do it for yourself, do it for those you love and those who love you. They may not understand the disorder, but they would understand even less if you end up dying from something they don't know how to explain.
06 October 2006
I want to just watch him all day long - his walk, his manners, his voice, his smile, his laugh, his cute smirk when he knows I know.
He looks good no matter what. I want to taste the sweetness of his tender lips. I want to feel his body against mine.
Just had to share...
Everything that I have done, attempted to do, thought about doing, touched, or encountered since I woke up this morning has gone wrong, or, even worse, blown up in my face. I feel like I’m continually reliving a real-life nightmare!
I do not like it when people have closed-door meetings. I feel like they are talking about me. I feel like I have done something wrong and people are afraid to tell me. If I have, please be polite and talk to me. Tell me what is going on. I will fix the problem, but if you shoot me down behind my back, then you are giving me every possible reason to be nasty right out of the gate. (And man, this chic can be NASTY!)
If you are going to start out on the defensive and pick a fight with me without knowing both sides, please be advised that you have given yourself an open invitation to be meeting with the horns of the bull, head on, smack dab in your face! I will not pull rank and I will let the world slide by, but if you decide to start out with an attitude, be prepared to meet Miss Attitude Back At Cha!Overall, I am a passive person, who really lets people do what they want, including, on many occasions, walk all over me and take advantage of my mild demeanor. I don’t try to rock the boat. I try to do what is right. I will accept responsibility and I will admit when I am wrong. Like they have always told me, you learn from your mistakes and move on. If you don’t make mistakes, then something is wrong because no one is perfect. And if you don’t learn from the mistakes you have made, then you are just plain stupid. Like I said, I am passive and don’t get upset very easy or very often. Most likely you will find me stressing out or playing mind games with myself, or getting all bent about things I cannot control… but being an obsessive compulsive personality, that’s my nature and something I have yet to learn to control or ignore…
05 October 2006
Is it intuition or instinct?
I'm sure it isn't personal (at least I hope it isn't), but I still get a feeling of my position being threatened, I still get me a strange feeling deep down in my tummy.
Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. Maybe I am just insecure in this situation. Maybe I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about, but something just doesn't feel right.
I hate feeling threatened, especially mentally and emotionally, by someone who doesn't belong. Physical threatening I can work with, and defend myself against. But mentally throws me into a spin I can't seem to stop. I feel like I'm losing control.
Has anyone else ever felt this way????
They are so cool - they have multitude of colors, shapes, sizes, and formats. Pastels, brights, ocean, pastels, round, square, rectangle, flower, heart, 1 x 1-1/2, 2 x 2, 3 x 3, regular, pop-up, lined, notecards.
What more can a person ask for? I look at the desk in front of me and find a muti-color small tablet, a larger yellow pile, some pop-ups, and a standard pad of plain. Like I said before, what more could a person ask for?
04 October 2006
I really feel that those people out there with any type of eating disorder, borderline or full-blown... get help because, speaking from over 10 years of suffering, it won't go away by itself...
I so want to be able to fit into my jeans that don't make me look like a kangaroo.
I want to put on my thong underwear and not have my pouch in tow. I am depressed with my body... is plastic surgery right?
03 October 2006
Have you ever fallen for someone that you know is totally wrong?
I know I tend to find myself doing stupid things like that - either they're rebels, they're much older, they're so much younger, they're bad influences, or they're just plain taken...
I have found myself in that predicament as we speak... I am totally taken in by someone my own age, who just happens to be in a relationship.
He is unhappy where he is, but with so many people in that situation, you stick it out for the kids. He is such a sweetheart and I have known him for so many years. He is such a sweet man with a heart of gold. He is relaxed and understanding. He is talented and smart. He is sexy in all possible means of the word - his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his personality.
We can talk and laugh, like old friends. We can even communicate like soul mates. There is something very special about him and I am so glad he is here for me to lean on... Maybe it's wrong, but being around him feels so right... I wish that maybe, some day, all the glitches can work out and maybe I have truly found my soul mate - it's just that he is in the wrong place right now... Maybe someday... I'm going to keep my fingers crossed...
02 October 2006
The world is so obsessed with beauty and outside appearances. What has driven us to this? Has it been the athletes we idolize? The stars we wish we could be like? The superstars who are constantly in the spotlight? I can honestly say that if you have never had to battle an eating disorder, no matter what kind, you CANNOT say that you understand. An eating disorder is the way for an obsessive compulsive personality to have just a little more control over things. I can speak from experience. At around 23 years old, I got totally into working out and getting fit. The world wanted women to be sexy and thin… so I started spending many days a week at the gym… and then combining it with not eating and drinking lots of water… I lost weight. It was awesome. I felt sexy… I felt great. At 5’9”, I was weighing in at around 140-lbs… which was well under the ideal weight for my height and frame… but the standards showed it being an ideal weight.