Little About Me

I have decided to tell you a little more about me. I know in my posts, I talk about the demons I face...

I have gone back to the doctor this week and things are piling up. Several years ago, I started seeing a doctor because my esteem was lower than dirt. As I started to build that back up, she moved me to a doctor to work more indepth - way back when, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (one of the worst levels), anxiety disorder, and OCD. I have been working on taming those skeletons in my closet, but do not seem to be succeeding. With the meds and the diagnosis, I am also compounding my eating disorder (which never went away), my occasional cutting, and my lower than low self-esteem.

Each day I have been struggling - I don't eat, some days I just want to sleep, my mind tells me that people are against me, everything that goes wrong is my fault, I can't do anything right... The past month has been hard for me and I truly appreciate the people that give me their input and insite...

I just felt it was time to be open and honest about the demons that I face everyday from sun up to sun down... Thank you.

I Know I've Said It Before, but the Maternal Instincts...

I know I have mentioned this topic before, but it has surfaced again and has me beside myself. My son has been accused of being mean to another child, who is younger than him and smaller in size. My son is a good kid and spends a lot of time with younger kids and helps look after them, but this one kid has a history of being "difficult". He is a tattle-tale and whines to get his way. They have blamed my son for doing mean things to him. My son ends up in tears and pleading with me that he did not do those things. I feel bad because I can tell, in my heart, that he is telling me the honest truth that he did NOT do this stuff, but other kids are saying different (then again, what boy wants to get in trouble when there are 20 others who make good scape goats?) I have gone through the emotions of being angry, frustrated, hurt, confused, betrayed, lied to, and upset. I am probably taking it worse than him because my Maternal Instinct is kicking in... which is what is truly pissing me off!!! I guess it's my saying... you can mess with me and I will defend myself, but DO NOT mess with my mom or my son... then you're treading on thin ice and have to mess with me. I have one person telling me that the others are blaming my son, but no one is coming forward and telling me, to my face, that my son is the culprit. If they are good parents and, if they know my son and myself, then I would expect the common courtesy of them telling me of the trouble to my face and letting me deal with it on my own terms... unless it's all hear-say and no one has made a positive ID. Like I said, you can mess with me and I will fight my battles, but DO NOT mess with my mom or my child because then I will get upset...

I'm So Bummed Out....

I don't know what it is, but my mind starts to play tricks on me and I suddenly feel as if I have done or said something wrong. I have learned, over the past year, that it is usually just a figment of my imagination and my anxiety is kicking up and rearing it's head.... I know I shouldn't let my mind get the best of me, but I am so used to be shot down and torn apart, that when something seems off, I just go ahead an accept the blame... I hate feeling this way because it is really hard to deal with and live with. I have suffered from anxiety for several years and, it seems like, lately it has been getting worse. Maybe it's a cause of my low self-esteem... maybe my low self-esteem is the cause of my anxiety... I wish I knew. I wish I could understand it. I guess I need to work this problem out... Everyone is starting to think I am a nut-case (which, depending on the day of the week, may be a valid evaluation!). I get frustrated and angry. I shut down and my introvert personality starts to build walls.. unfortunately the walls seem to close... in on me... HELP ME... PLEASE!!!