Had my meltdown the other day. Felt fat and gross. Then had cravings and the scale went up. Meltdown. I stressed and wanted to die. I wanted to purge. I was full of anger. Instead I stumbled and fell into an old anger release... but I feel better. It was too much salt. I don't like any of those feelings... anger. Frustration. Stress. Hopelessness. Sad.
29 May 2013
OK. I did finish in my age group on the challenge. Awesome. Lost weight. Lost inches. Toned up. Built up cardio. Doing well. Got the results for the national level. Didn't make it into the top 15 women for my age group (old). Bummed. Should be happy I made it local. Wasn't even trying. Should be happy. Now I need to try harder. Have to qualify in both levels next year. MUST! Need to find the next challenge to work toward. I will never completely be happy with me.... I can tell you that already....
28 May 2013
27 May 2013
Okay, tomorrow they post the top 15 in each age group. I have come to realize...
Damned if I do... damned if I don't...
I am not holding my breath. I doubt if I will qualify.... which means I will need to get my ass in gear and do better next time. If I do, then I have to keep it up.... no slacking.
Pretty much screwed either way! DAMN!!!!
Competed in the challenge. Qualified locally. Did not qualify nationally. Need to amp it up. Feel like a failure. Need to work out, work harder, and lose more weight. I feel fat and disgusting.
26 May 2013
I wish I could feel happy. Some days are better than others. I was okay this morning, but tonight I am struggling. I don't know why but I am not feeling up to anything tonight.
Not sure if I've shared this with you. I decided to join our local gyms "body challenge". For 12 weeks, I watched my food and focused on exercise. In 12 weeks, I was down over 40 pounds. I was shocked, but real happy. I did qualify for my own age group as a local finalist.
People kept asking me how I did it. Nothing exciting and nothing miraculous... instead just plain hard work and watching what I was eating.