Too much at one time

Feel like hell

weather has changed and feels dreary

Dark in the morning

My birthday

All alone

Feel fat

Feel sad

Suffer from OCD and anxiety

Introvert who overextends myself

Hard on myself

Can't keep doing this

Something's gotta give...

meltdown

Yelled at my son and started crying.

I am so mentally burnt I'm not sure which end is up... and then not feeling good only makes it worse.

Sad and lost right now. Unhappy.

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talking without anyone talking back... on purpose

Today is one with a tone of uncertainty and stress. It's been a long day and is not the way I had intended. Woke up early, didn't get to the gym, my boss wanted me to come in but I didn't (bed not on my "good list" right now so I was being "difficult". Grocery shopped, baked, took a nap, and then we went out for dinner. I ate, I felt miserable, I feel like hell, I decided to write because I need to vent. I am frustrated. I got an IM from a friend. I really don't want to talk. I want to talk... But not WITH someone! Ever have a day like that??

on-line dating

Has anyone out there tried on-line dating? I have tried with no luck. Anyone have good luck?

I tried at least 2 different ones more than once.

NOTHING!

Anyone have a different experience? I've been alone 10 years. Miss being held and hugged.

Anyone have luck out there?

What happened?

Do you have any idea what you are doing to me? To my mind? To my heart?

We used to have the best between us. I was under the impression that we still do but you make me feel like shit. You walk by me without speaking. You don't include me in conversations. And the list goes on. I wish you could see what you are doing to me. You have no idea how I interpret this. I already have a body image that is down the tubes and then, when you seem to not see me, I feel like hell. I feel like I am no longer pretty or attractive. I don't feel like you miss me when we are apart. Do you still think about me? Do you still miss me? You tell me you do, but how true are you? Why do I not believe you? You have crushed my heart and messed up my brain. I thought I was someone but when you suddenly change your attitude, it hits me right in the heart. I feel even fatter, uglier, lonlier, depressed. You don't understand that, what I have suffered with every day of my life, comes back to haunt me with each of these motions you make. You can't seem to see that you are tearing me apart and tearing everything about me apart. I don't feel like I can ever trust what people, or do. I can only say that they are fronts, to keep from hurting my feelings.

Truth - depression sucks!

In several of my past posts, you might have noticed that I haven't really been myself. Well, I haven't. I have been diagnosed, and have suffered, with clinical depression for over 10 years. Then throw panic/anxiety attacks on top of that, and you have me... one rather slightly disturbed, messed up lady. The holidays always seem to really push the envelope for me. I don't really enjoy them like I used to. I feel bad because my son loves them. I just can't seem to get into them.

Anyway, I went to my doctor yesterday and we had a nice discussion. It is time to change up my meds. The ones I have been on have seemed to work for quite a while, but things are changing and the meds just aren't doing it for me at this point.

I start my new meds tomorrow, once I get them filled. I am hoping these help because I hate feeling so dark. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to socialize, I just want to be a hermit and stay in my pajamas. I don't have the energy and I don't like the way I feel, the way I look, the way I am, who I am... and the list could go on for pages, if I let it.

I guess, what I want to say is that if there seems like something is not quite right, don't be afraid to look into it. It took me several years to get an accurate diagnosis and it helped me move forward and be who I am. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you are divine, it probably won't get better without therapy and meds. It doesn't hurt to check.

Depressed...

I am not sure what is going through my head. I am stressed, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am lonely, I am tired. I don't want to sing to the radio. I don't feel like laughing. I came home from work and quietly ate dinner. I then went and laid down with my cat and fell asleep. I don't have much to say. My son is worried. He doesn't understand what is wrong or why I am so quiet. I can't really explain this to him. I don't know what is wrong or why I feel like I do. Part of me feels lost inside, lonely, and sad. I don't want to socialize. If I could, I would curl up and stay in bed. I wish I didn't feel this way.

Need to think (out loud)

I just received a phone call, from a friend of mine. I met her close to 10 years ago and we hit it off. She was a pretty, bubbly, outgoing, special lady. 

When she gave up her life here to move down south with a southern gentleman, she left with me, a small hand made crystal, wrapped in silver, with other stones attached. Since that day, it has remained with me, in my wallet, always with me, at my side. I think about her often, as I look at it and touch it. Wondering how she is doing.

Anyway, the purpose of this post...

This southern gentleman, D, has always been softspoken and polite, but with the ability to be a growly, gruff, bear.

L has always been sweet and soft-spoken, with her occasional "get outta my face" attitude.

Lately she has been in a not-so-happy place. Her husband travels and they live in the middle of pretty-much nowhere. He does not feel she needs access to the internet. He monitors her cell phone minutes. If she goes over, he takes it away from her.

He has gone from being a loving, caring, romantic man, to Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde.

She calls me from his phone while he is busy, so he doesn't know she calls. She's afraid he will take the phone from her. He tells her she doesn't need email or internet access. When she does use the internet, it's only when he is home and when he stands over her shoulder.

I guess what triggered my frustration and fright today is that she called me, while he was in the shower, so she could talk to me. I could hear the fright and aloneness in her voice. She called to tell me she received my Christmas letter and it touched her and made her realize that we all have comforts... mine was telling everyone that I asked my son to bring me my teddy bear when I was in the hospital. Yes, I am 42 years old and still sleep with a teddy bear. He goes everywhere with me and he is my comfort.

I feel so bad. My heart goes out for her. She has lost her friends. Her family has been alienated. She is alone in that world. I understand her pain, as I have been there, but she is in no position to go anywhere. She has nothing of her own and no where to go.

I am glad that we are still close enough that we can talk, giving her a line of communication, with someone who knows both of them, and knows that type of living situation.

I feel so sad that people have to live like that... living in fear every day.

It's not right... and we shouldn't have to suffer like that...

but we do... we have... we will...

If you know anyone who is suffering like that, or at all, please help them get help. At least so they know they aren't alone in their struggles... We are never alone... we are not alone... and we should never be alone...

Body episode

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe its the weather but the past two days I am heading to body-funk central.

I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. Clothes don't feel right. I'm sad. I think I'm fat. I think I'm ugly. And yet the list goes on.

Its hard to snap out of this, but it depresses me even more to feel this way.

feel like hell

Not up to anything today. Feel like hell - fat, miserable and ugly. Hate myself and everything about me. What is wrong with me? I am so frustrated and confused. Why do I feel this way? I want to get a tattoo on my lower back but feel too gross and miserable to do it. I am determined this is my life...

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todays post

Feeling fat, ugly, and oh so gross! Just want to pull the covers back over my head and cry!

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stress and ugly

I feel fat and ugly. I am sick of being this way. I hate myself, my body, everything. I am so tired of being alone. I hate myself. I hate this. I want to find a way to lose weight. Any suggestions? I am at my wit's end!

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