Makeup and dress up

I have a dinner to attend tonight. I'm dressed up (new dress), with makeup , my hair is down, and I got dressed, feeling pretty.

In the last hour, I suddenly don't feel as pretty. I look at myself in the mirror and am not happy with who I am. I feel like I suddenly am fat and ugly. I'm alone DND sad.

I hard events where I feel alone. All by myself.

All alone... And ugly....

Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.

There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Another day... another Catch 22

Sunday, I got kinda "dolled up". I actually put makeup on (yes, I do own it). My son told me I was pretty. Yesterday, I got dressed, felt I looked nice, did my hair, put on makeup, and went to work. The one person I hoped would notice did not say a thing. He had time to stop and talk with everyone else, but me. So, I guess even though I thought that I felt pretty, obviously no one else thought so. So today, screw it. I didn't put on makeup, I dressed nice and pulled my hair back, but no makeup. After yesterday, makeup wouldn't even help me feel pretty today. I get so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel that way. Maybe I wasn't meant to be pretty.

Today was hard

Went to my great niece's bday party. I felt gross. My niece is smaller than me, even at 6 months pregnant. Her two friends and both step sisters are at least size 1 or 2, after having kids. J has two, a has one, A2 in on @3. They make me sick.

I get so depressed. Then, this Christmas, I see my other niece, who is tall and rail thin also.

I guess this is yet another reason why I hate holidays... I feel fat against my family.

Body episode

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe its the weather but the past two days I am heading to body-funk central.

I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. Clothes don't feel right. I'm sad. I think I'm fat. I think I'm ugly. And yet the list goes on.

Its hard to snap out of this, but it depresses me even more to feel this way.

The Scale...

I got on the scale this morning. I knew I shouldn't but I haven't for a while. I had to have a reality check. The numbers were definitely not my friend, but they haven't gone up since the last time. That is a good thing, but it still makes me feel like hell. I hate my body, I hate myself, and how my clothes fit. I don't even like how I feel in my own body. ICK! I am too tired to really give a damn, but I hate myself so much that I truly don't give a damn. I am caught in a loop of madness and I don't know which way I am spinning.

fat and depressed

Yep, another day feeling like this. Today's episode was brought on while sitting in church. She was so thin and muscular. I wish I could look like her. Yes, she does have a smaller frame than me... and she is shorter.... she is a runner... and she is younger... but I would love to have a body like hers. I am depressed.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

todays post

Feeling fat, ugly, and oh so gross! Just want to pull the covers back over my head and cry!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.4

little black dress

Will I ever own one? Need I say more?

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2

stress and ugly

I feel fat and ugly. I am sick of being this way. I hate myself, my body, everything. I am so tired of being alone. I hate myself. I hate this. I want to find a way to lose weight. Any suggestions? I am at my wit's end!

Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.2