Too much at one time

Feel like hell

weather has changed and feels dreary

Dark in the morning

My birthday

All alone

Feel fat

Feel sad

Suffer from OCD and anxiety

Introvert who overextends myself

Hard on myself

Can't keep doing this

Something's gotta give...

E.D. Or D.E.?

I know I have issues with food. Wouldn't necessarily say I have an ED (eating disorder).... I have more of DE (disordered eating).... Which, in my opinion, are different!

Anyone lead out there fighting head demons?

wind from your sails

Have you ever felt like things are going well but suddenly....woosh.... things are not what they seemed. Why is it that its more than okay for one person but not for someone else? Its amazing how seniority can cause the winds of change. I guess in business it happens. But really? I guess I can just sit quietly and mind my own business... but I will catch hell for that too.

Just stressed. Sorry. Had to vent!

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

holiday anxieties.... again

Thanksgiving has come and gone and, once again, my mood is down.

I have trouble with these holidays and they seem to bring me down.

I am confused.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

long weekends... not for me...

Three day weekends are NOT my thing!

I am going crazy. I hate sitting still. I hate not being busy. Cooped up in the house, on a holiday, with no where to go. Aarrgghh!

I feel like my hands are tied and I don't like feeling this way. I want to work on homework, but mom is in the living room. Long story... abbreviated.... mom's house...so I feel bound with what I do and where I go. Anyway....

My mood today kind of sucks. I need to get things done, but its tough. There are so many things that feel "off" today.

I need to work on thinking positive and being upbeat. That is the only way I will get things to change.

Ask
Believe
Receive

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

this is hard

Im having a rough one today....lost alone stressed fat and overwhelmed. Its been a long time but feeling like making a cut would release the anxiety........

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.10

Damned if you do....

Okay, tomorrow they post the top 15 in each age group. I have come to realize...

Damned if I do... damned if I don't...

I am not holding my breath. I doubt if I will qualify.... which means I will need to get my ass in gear and do better next time. If I do, then I have to keep it up.... no slacking.

Pretty much screwed either way! DAMN!!!!

Thanksgiving Day... Another day

Wishing everyone a happy thanksgiving!

Got up this morning and was up 0.2#

Not happy, but guess I will live.

Got up and went to the gym. Worked out and it felt good. I am truly not sure who I am or what I feel, but it will all get clearer, I'm sure.

I will need to watch my intake tonight and not overdo it. Maybe a day of eating a little more won't kill me. In my mind, yes, but in reality, probably not!

The Hardest Thing I Ever Did…

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had to do a very difficult thing.

After over six years at my job, and making many friends, I decided it was time to give my notice and move on to bigger and better things.

I grew so close to those in my world, my friends, my coworkers, my confidants, my support system. I felt so close to everyone and there were times when they were there to support me when my world seemed to drop down. I felt so close to them, but things had changed. I started feel more threatened, in my own mind, and left hung out to dry, that I felt it was time to do something because the miserableness I felt started to never let up. I even had to have my medicines regulated to add an additional depression med, to bring me out of days that seemed to truly take the lift out of me. It was hard getting to that point and difficult to function when feeling that way. I would spend hours at work and then be so beat by the time I got home that I could barely function, not to mention, I couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't shut down. It was all adding up... in the negative. It has been a while and I had been looking for other options, but nothing would show up. I continued to live with my stress and anxiety, hoping that something would come along. I lived my life and continued to do what needed to be done. 

Finally, all things suddenly happened and my world changed in a matter of a week. From 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. It moved so fast and I caught the ride. I took it on. Something new, something exciting. I gave my notice, stressed myself out, cried myself to sleep, worried, wondered, doubted myself, questioned my ability to handle change, and all the other anxiety-based actions.

This past week was my first week in my new routine. So many changes, so many differences. I made it through the week, it was great. Several people told me I seemed more happy and less stressed. I was smiling, I enjoyed going in, I didn't stress too much about the new stuff because they are training me.

The most difficult thing I had to do was make the decision to start a new chapter in my life, at age 42, as a single full-time mom, while going back to school to get my Bachelor's Degree.

I hate change.... hate it, hate it, hate it. Nope, can't make me... uh uh... no way...  but I did it. I sucked it up and did it... and lived!

And am finally happy!!!!!!

ewwwwwwww....

 

I linked up...

Ok. Today is rough. It was a long weekend and then I overslept this morning, leading me to feel like hell. So, today is the first day of my last week of this job. I am excited, yet stressed. I feel like I have do much to do, but that's just me... 110% until the 25th hour. But the stress and anxiety of change... And a new school class.... And bills... And then emotionally feeling like a blimp.... This has not been a good day. I don't like it when my routine is screwed up before it starts! I am a mental and emotional mess. I'm going to miss "my boys" at work. They care and believe in me. I'm noticing a pattern... Those that will be doing the job don't do it the way I do. I ask after exhausting efforts, they ask to avoid having to work. I have heard, more than once, that things are gonna go south... But you can't tell those who are "always right" that they are wrong.  Oh well... Four days to go.... But I still feel fat!

Pushing past insecurity... writing... and Insecurities

Pushing Past Insecurity... and Writing...

I received the regular email feed in my box and the post title caught my eye.

I love to write. I used to write all the time. My world (as I used to know it...when I had time) was written down in journals... of all shapes and sizes. I have notebooks filled with scribbles and doodles, tears and joys, hurt and love. All different writing styles, all different writing instruments, all different ink colors... all kind of dependent on my mood of the moment.

I used to write in my journal, that I kept tucked under my pillow on the bed. (By the way, I still do have one under there... along with a set of tarot cards wrapped in black silk material)... anyway...  I love to write. I write poetry, I journal, I now blog... When I did my poetry, I won awards and had them published. When I journaled, it was for me... my ups and downs, my frustration and happiness, yadda yadda yadda.

Many things I write are for my eyes only... but then here I am, in the cyber world, blogging... about a lot of stuff. I vent, I rant, I admit defeat, I open to insecurities, all to a world of people I really don't know.

My child does not know I have this blog. He does know I hang out with "mommy blogs" (where else would I come up with the totally health-conscious recipe of baking chocolate chip cookies on top of double-stuff oreos??? Check out 2 Little Birds!!!!) But he doesn't know I ACTUALLY blog! (probably a good thing... considering that there seem to be many mommies who are getting busted by their kids finding their "secret hiding spot" (i.e. blog)

Okay, anyway, back to the topic... I love to write and used to fill notebooks with all sorts of things... from my crushes, to my stress, to my eating disorder cycles, to whatever came to mind. It was my outlet, my release, my therapy... and I was pretty damn good at it... not to mention I would never run out of notebooks or writing instruments because I consider one of my "other homes" the office supply store down the street!

But then, one day, it was compromised and I could no longer trust people. What happened was that my (now ex) husband would go through my stuff, including my car, and be nosy, when I wasn't around or when I was sleeping. He did not seem to understand the meaning of "privacy" which lead of much of my distress. He confronted me about my journals and what was written in them... and then to make it worse, he photocopied them to keep readily handy. When I found out, I went psycho! OMG! I am not sure if, at that point, I was more in disbelief that he did it, betrayed that he would think about it, pissed that he went through my personal stuff, or wanting to bitch slap him for just all of the above!

At that point, it became VERY difficult to write... anything... I was upset, angry, distraught, frustrated, beside myself... you name it, I was there. I still, even after all these years, have difficulty putting words physically on to paper. I am afraid it will lead me to hurt and betrayal, yet again. Now, I still have a sense of anonymity but I can "talk" and "chat" with people who only know me for who I am and understand that not everyone is alone and that we all have some type of insecurities.

I would love to write again. I want to. But I can't bring myself to do it. My heart and my mind can't agree on actually doing it. Maybe someday... maybe not... who knows...

"Do as I say... NOT as I do..." Yeah right!

Remember that saying "Do as I say and not as I do"? Well, that is getting pretty old... and still over-used.

I am constantly reminded that I must follow what he says, and not what he does. Too bad he taught me bad habits oh so many years ago! Anyway, right now, I am struggling with this "identity" thing. Today something came in and there was no information on it. We just went through this whole pile of BS about making sure that everyone is in the loop so we all know what is going on in case anyone is out. Well, two are out, nothing has been said, but one said "they do it that way all the time" and then said "well, check with this person, as she was talking with them". Okay, so where does that fit into the outline of keeping everyone in the loop?? Trust me, the minute I don't keep everyone informed, I get my hands slapped. WTF? This is truly a two way street... too bad I'm kicked to the curb and everyone else gets the passing lane!

body image... or lack of it... and you're the cause

I have kept in touch with my first ex-boyfriend.

We were talking and I mentioned I had been at the gym.

He asked me "why" and then told me I "don't need to because he thinks I look good".

It doesn't click that part of the body image issue stems from him cheating on my with someone over twice my size.

No clue... And I'm not going to explain!

Friday

It's Friday - I made it... wooo hooo.... it has been a long one and the road had really gone up and down this week.

My son has been dealing with allergies, so he has been a beast (to put it nicely), mom is another year older... so that just goes to speak for itself... work has been busy... I am still waiting on the the golden chariot to pull up and take me away... 

and for them to call the winning lottery ticket... or even Willy Wonka's Golden Ticket... who wouldn't be able to live in a world filled with lots of candy, giant eggs, and a chocolate stream??? 

Anyway... off track... kinda... but not too far...

I am feeling out of sorts... the doctor has me on a second anti-d med, to help balance out the one the FDA was nice enough to lower the available dosage on. This new one helps to keep me focused and keep dep from going through my head.  I am also on the occasional anxiety dose, to keep me from panic-attack mode... when my chest gets tight and I can't breath. (Serious dude, I am SUCH a mess!!!)

I missed my second anti-d this morning, due to a series of not-typical-routine snafus. I finally took my lunch dose... but focus suck right now... I am working at doing about 12 things. My desk looks like Dorothy & Toto's trip OUT of Kansas... and my mind feels like it is going down the rabbit hole with Alice and the White Rabbit. Wow. What an F'd up day!  I don't understand it... and now that I am flipping all over like ... well, Flipper... my chest is getting tight and I can't see straight.

Yep, just shoot me now. I guess if I'm gonna melt down... I might as well go all the way!!!!!!

Wow. That's all I can say!

Yesterday was burger day

 

Yes, I did it. Yesterday, I went and had my burger and fries. You would have thought I haven't had one for centuries, but it truly hasn't been that long.

Anyway, I left and decided to actually eat it there... instead of bringing it back, making a mess on my desk, and having to chew between the ringing of the phone.

I ordered my burger - sloppy, with cheese, and everything else... tomato, lettuce, onion... and fries... with ketchup... lots of ketchup...

I sat down and relaxed, even if it was only 20 minutes or so. The sandwich was messy, but the ketchup with the fries tasted good. I ate it... at least most of it. Okay, I admit - the burger was not as profound as I had it in my mind. It just didn't have the "wow" I was imagining... I was kinda sad. I blew the calories and fat on something that just didn't really fill my craving. Bummer dude!

Now I was stuffed, sad, and kinda miserable... so I decided to clean up my spot, refill my diet soda, and go back to work...

Food Obsessed

I have come to the conclusion that I am obsessed with food and what I eat.

Although I don't always feel that way, like when I sit and have a couple glasses of wine, or a few small pieces of chocolate, but it's been getting pretty weird lately.

Yesterday, I was hungry for something for lunch, but not quite sure what. My brain started this conversation with myself about 10:30 or so... I take lunch at 11am. Anyway, I had to think about it because I knew we wouldn't be eating dinner until later because my son and I had doctor appointments right after work. By the time we would get home, it would be after 6:30 and then we would eat.  Typically we eat at 4:30 or 5pm, depending on when I get home from work.

Okay, so I thought about it and thought about it... couldn't decide on lunch. Ended up at the local grocery store, where I bought a salad and a turkey sandwich.

Mind you, it's not like I work in the boonies... where there is no where to go for lunch... I have a variety of food around here, all within 10 minutes of my office - McDonald's, Subway, Cousins, Culvers, 3 chinese places, Buffalo Wild Wings, Taco Bell, Arby's, Sonic, Wendy's, Applebees, Panera, a vegetarian restaurant, 5 guys, and the list goes on and on and on... So it's not like there is nothing to eat... because that is NOT the problem here.

Today the same thing happened. Started around 10:30 or so. Yesterday I thought about splurging on a hamburger and fries, but since I wasn't sure what was for dinner, I passed. I then figured, maybe tonight (Friday). Tonight I work all day and then I have to go right to my second job. No real time to eat, so the burger would be good - filling... something in me.

I thought about it today... burger? chinese? fries with ketchup sounds good. yum. Well, maybe... I don't know... do I really want to eat that? I am sooooo confused.... 

I got in the car, if I turn one direction, it's chinese, burgers, sushi. The other direction is... EVERYTHING else.

Anyway, I could not, COULD NOT, for the life of me... bring myself to get a burger... once again, even with my evening work and busy-ness, I ended up with a salad and fruit. It is driving me nuts. I cannot justify the junk, the fat, the calories, any of it.

It's like I'm obsessed and I cannot get past it. My mind won't let me. I can't justify it in my mind... 

Seriously, I ask... is there something wrong with me? Does this seem just really wrong? Or just not right?

Another day...

It has been a long week. I have felt like crap and have been running nonstop. I don't have time to be sick or time for me.

I have done a few things though. My son and I have been a part of a local gym, unfortunately, it's on the far side of town, amidst road construction and railroad tracks. Timing has totally sucked and I can't make it to work out and then get to work in the morning without stressing myself out. By the time I get done with work, I do not want to face more traffic to work out. Okay, so I am spending money (I really don't have) on something I don't use... or something that causes me more stress.

Anyway, this past week, I visited a new gym about 2 miles from our house (strategically-located between home and work) and signed us up. I didn't have to think twice. I just did it. My son was excited. We went back that night and worked out. We went yesterday. This is good.

I have felt like hell since Wednesday, so Thursday night, I did an excessive amount of sleeping. Yesterday I did a lot too.

Totally threw my body off by not taking my meds... especially my anti-depressants and my secondary meds.

I need to get back on track. I hate feeling like hell. I hate stress. I hate being depressed. I hate feeling messed up.

Today, I am working to get back on track...

 

Meeting follow-up

All went well. Just figuring the final info and details. If all goes well, it should all go well...

I look at things different now, knowing things will change and I will feel better.

My physical and emotional well being has taken a serious hit over the past couple years and it's time to fix that. I cannot take care of anyone else, if I can't take care of myself.

Too bad it has to get so bad before we realize we have to make changes.

Better late than never I guess....

Does this tell you how my day is starting??????

I am here... I am alive... I think!?

I know I've been bad... I haven't done my routine hook-ups for the past few days.

Life is crazy... I know it... and it's pretty much no one else's fault but my own... I tend to be good at creating that type of situation. Oh Well!!! What can I say... at least I know how to do something!!!!