Commitment vs obsession

At what point does the fitness commitment become an obsession?

I am working out and losing weight. I am counting my calories. and I love the fact my clothes are big, but I cannot see it in myself.

I get all hung up on calories and eat too few, even when I work out. I have a number I am aiming for, which is my IBW.

There is so much going through my mind that I am truly not sure any more.

When is the commitment I am making to myself become an obsession?

Control Freaks of the World Unite...

Twisted Domestic Goddess Posted and it caught my attention

Control freaks of the world unite. Just don't forget I'm in charge

Trust me, I understand the term "control freak"... I am obsessive, yes, but a freak... no... well... yea... maybe... kinda.... 

I guess you can say that I do have these type of tendencies. I have to have things planned. I am not a "spur of the moment" person. Unless it's planned and I know what is happening... IT AIN'T HAPPENING!

I know that I follow behind my family and pick up dirty laundry, put dirty dishes in the sink, wipe the crumbs off the counter and in to the sink, put the tie wraps on the bread loaf, and the list goes on.

I guess I could call it obsessive... but since it seems to completely interfere with those around me, and drive them insane, I am thinking it's a control thing.

I also need to make sure lights are off, and no one person needs three tv's on, in three rooms on the house, when no one is watching any of them.

Yeah well, I am a control freak, with obsessive tendencies...

and damn proud of it!!!!!

 

Food Obsessed

I have come to the conclusion that I am obsessed with food and what I eat.

Although I don't always feel that way, like when I sit and have a couple glasses of wine, or a few small pieces of chocolate, but it's been getting pretty weird lately.

Yesterday, I was hungry for something for lunch, but not quite sure what. My brain started this conversation with myself about 10:30 or so... I take lunch at 11am. Anyway, I had to think about it because I knew we wouldn't be eating dinner until later because my son and I had doctor appointments right after work. By the time we would get home, it would be after 6:30 and then we would eat.  Typically we eat at 4:30 or 5pm, depending on when I get home from work.

Okay, so I thought about it and thought about it... couldn't decide on lunch. Ended up at the local grocery store, where I bought a salad and a turkey sandwich.

Mind you, it's not like I work in the boonies... where there is no where to go for lunch... I have a variety of food around here, all within 10 minutes of my office - McDonald's, Subway, Cousins, Culvers, 3 chinese places, Buffalo Wild Wings, Taco Bell, Arby's, Sonic, Wendy's, Applebees, Panera, a vegetarian restaurant, 5 guys, and the list goes on and on and on... So it's not like there is nothing to eat... because that is NOT the problem here.

Today the same thing happened. Started around 10:30 or so. Yesterday I thought about splurging on a hamburger and fries, but since I wasn't sure what was for dinner, I passed. I then figured, maybe tonight (Friday). Tonight I work all day and then I have to go right to my second job. No real time to eat, so the burger would be good - filling... something in me.

I thought about it today... burger? chinese? fries with ketchup sounds good. yum. Well, maybe... I don't know... do I really want to eat that? I am sooooo confused.... 

I got in the car, if I turn one direction, it's chinese, burgers, sushi. The other direction is... EVERYTHING else.

Anyway, I could not, COULD NOT, for the life of me... bring myself to get a burger... once again, even with my evening work and busy-ness, I ended up with a salad and fruit. It is driving me nuts. I cannot justify the junk, the fat, the calories, any of it.

It's like I'm obsessed and I cannot get past it. My mind won't let me. I can't justify it in my mind... 

Seriously, I ask... is there something wrong with me? Does this seem just really wrong? Or just not right?

Today... a new day...

I have figured that since my son and I started the new gym, I have been there more in the past two weeks than I was at the other one in the past 6 months. I have been there at least every other day since we started. This is good because I truly need to get back into working out.

There is a girl at the gym who is training for a fitness competition and she is really shaping up. It makes me envious and kinda jealous. I wish her all the best of luck - she has come a long way in just a few months... and competition is around the corner.

I worked with the trainer last night and that has totally inspired me. I ache and hurt today... I used muscles I forgot I had, or guess I never knew I owned. He helped me work my upper body, as my legs are good, but the rest of me needs help (well not that much, but still).

I have found that the feeling of the sore muscles and being able to feel them flex is kind of a rush. I want to tone them and build them. I want to work on them.

And then there are other reasons... summer is coming... I sooooo do not want to be fat and ugly. I don't want to go into summer feeling gross. Yes, I do wear a two-piece suit, but I find my flaws... even in my own eyes. Although I people watch and there are other people out there that should be more aware of what they wear in public... but that is another issue... or story... or whatever!

Anyway. Another big thing is that "Mr. J" is leaving for vacation. I am going to miss him, I will admit it, but there are days that I won't... Anyway, for a long time, he has told me he thought I was pretty and that I looked sexy. I loved how that made me feel. I always loved to dress up because I felt good about myself and felt pretty. He would compliment me, and I would receive other compliments also. But lately, I haven't felt that way. I haven't felt like dressing up. I feel like it wouldn't matter anyway.  His personality has changed and it's like he suddenly doesn't notice me at all. That's fine, I guess. I shouldn't hold my breath. Who knows what the issue is? Oh well. I guess that is something else going through my mind. He will be gone for over a week. If I commit myself to the gym and start working on myself, I wonder if I will notice a difference by the time he gets back? Would he notice? I wonder? I guess I would like to be able to show him what (and who) he is missing my acting like a schmuck!! By the time he gets around to noticing, I should (if all goes well) be ready to tell him... kiss this... but then again, that is a whole other story..........

And so the mind continues to turn...

I am thinking (yes, as dangerous as it might be) that I need to commit my mind and body to this. To get the motivation, to convince myself I can do it, to stick with it, to succeed, to feel good about myself, to love myself in my own skin again.

I used to feel comfortable in my own skin, but lately, it has been hard. There are days when that is the hardest thing to do.

I want to feel comfy again. I want to be able to smile when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to wear clothes I don't like myself in now. I want to be myself. It gets hard to get up and get dressed when you avoid looking in the mirror.

I think that, in combination, of the muscle pains, the summer coming, Mr. J's upcoming vacation, and the desire to move up in the world,  that is a good enough reason to kick myself in the ass and keep moving. Not to mention the money I spend on the gym membership.

 

Living with an ED... and re-joining the gym

My son and I have been members of a gym for several years and we just joined a new one, closer to our house, better hours, more options, and something we can do together... let me explain a little though...

I have always been into working out, which is where my whole ED thing seriously started to spiral. I was sick of being teased and picked on at school and my parents didn't do much to soften the blow... my mom did more more of rubbing salt in the wounds.

Anyway... my son is a big kid. Our family is not well known for it's petite delicate frames. He is taller than me, his feet are 11's and he definitely outweighs me... it is like a big teddy bear... or a bull in a china shop. Depending on the situation. He has also been teased and picked on. He is quiet, soft-spoken, and would rather be to himself... which he kinda gets from me. But... he has a martial arts belt and so do I. We did it together. But no one would guess it, from the type of person he is. He is most likely to be teased, most likely to not fight back, but most likely to scare the hell out of someone if the instincts kick in. That's my boy and I love him.

Okay, back on topic here. In my early 20's, I met a guy who was big into working out. We tried to cook (and eat) healthy, and that kinda rubbed off on me. I worked full-time and took care of my dad. I made time to go to the Athletic Club and work out. I worked with a personal trainer. I exercised, I watched my food. I lost weight. I loved it!!! I could wear clothes that I hadn't been able to wear. I got compliments. Considering I was the ugly duckling, I loved hearing people tell me I looked good... although I was never able to graciously accept a compliment.

I lost weight, I worked out. I was happy, I felt good, I felt sexy, I felt like people noticed me.

Until they found out I had established an ED. Yep, I did. Not afraid to admit it. All workout, lots of water, little food. But I FELT PRETTY! Okay, sad excuse, but when you are wrapped up in it, you don't see what is going on. Like with a diet, you know what works and that is how you base your structure.

My dad was heavy, he had diabetes, he died of congestive heart failure. My mom was always heavy, she couldn't stay away from the snacks, and she has health issues also. My one brother has diabetes and heart problems. My second brother had diabetes, several heart attacks, and passed away due to heart failure. This is not a real good scenario for living my life and keeping my son healthy.

Once everyone found out that my weight loss was not a healthy one, I was treated like I had the plague. My world started spinning out of control and I couldn't stop. The voices, or should I say "demons" in my head kept on me. I was at the weight that I was my lowest... I was at, what they tell me, is my "ideal weight", which is why I have a hard time wrapping my head around.

To this day, I struggle with that "ideal weight". I try to explain to those who do our health risk assessment and my own doctors that that last time I was at my ideal weight, I was anorexic. I stand over 5'8" tall, I am muscular, my hands  are large, my structure is large. I cannot be a healthy ideal weight.

When I got pregnant, I really lost it. I knew I had to eat and my ex-husband made me eat. I hated it. I couldn't do it. I felt gross and disgusting. My anorexia turned to bulimia. My body didn't know which was it was going anymore. And then, in the midst of all the stress and anxiety of gaining weight, having to eat, feeling fat & bloated, stressing out... I spun back into the other side of my darkness... cutting. There was (and still is) something about that. Many people can't imagine it. Many can't understand it. Just like binging and purging... no one really can grasp that either.

There are many things that live in our darkness. I have these demons that continue to haunt me, even after 20+ years, a marriage ending in divorce, a happy healthy son, and routine excessive stress.

Okay, so we are back to the new gym. There are all body types, ages, and athletic abilities there. I feel like I can fit in. I want my son to feel comfortable and find a happiness within him. The last thing I need is for him to suffer the way I did.

I am working to make things comfortable for him. My mom is retired, so she does the cooking and much of the shopping. She complains about his eating habits and his snacking, but... seriously... SHE buys the crap he snacks on... Neither of them need it!!! Neither of them need the gallon of ice cream, the cookies, the chocolate, the chips, the other junk. 

I go shopping and buy the diet stuff, fat free stuff, mildly healthy stuff. I told my son if there is anything he wants me to buy, let me know, I will. I have also told him that just because Grandma makes a big meal, you DON'T have to clean your plate or eat everything!  If she wants to complain, she can take it up with me.

Okay, we have gone to the gym. I have hooked my son up with the personal trainer, to find out how to use the machines, what he wants to get out of this, and his whole nutrition/fitness thoughts. I think this has worked well. He is enjoying it.

Me, on the other hand, the demons still fill my head and make me think those thoughts. I see everyone working out. I want to be thin and feel pretty. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything about me, really. I want to feel sexy, but I struggle with that. I don't like looking in the mirror, I don't like my reflection, I don't like what (or who) I see. 

To be a good role model, I have to provide my son with guidance and good knowledge. I also have to battle my demons and fight with myself. I cannot let those thoughts fill his world, as his obsessive personality traits will lead him down the wrong path also. I learned from my mistakes, have to keep him from making those same ones, and still tell myself I can do it.

Struggling with any type of ED is difficult. To be honest, unless you have been through it, battled it, fought with it, you have no idea how hard it is or how strong the demons are. Those voices never seem to truly go away... they just get quieter.

 

Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.

There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

The voices in my head

This week has been constant running. I have not had time to think and stop. Monday, I worked all day and then had a meeting that night. Tuesday, I worked all day and then had a dinner event.

I started taken my new medicine last Friday, so I have been working to get used to it. I haven't been hungry lately and I am not sure if it's the medicine. I guess that is a side effect... so I am not sure if it's truly the medicine or if it's a mind-thing. Either way, I haven't been eating. I am actually, not really hungry, and my body doesn't seem to be craving food, but the voices in my head tell me I should eat because it's something I do, but then the "other" voices tell me that if I'm not hungry, don't eat because not eating will help lose weight. I want to lose weight. I hate how I feel and how I look. I have been through this before. If I can get past the mental hunger, I will be fine. Just a couple days and I can feel better. I haven't eaten much today either. I have an aching head, but nothing I can't live with. I know that if I get over the initial bump in the road, I can cut my eating without going nuts.

I don't know if you understand what I am saying, and you might not, and I wouldn't expect you to, but I needed to write, to clear my head.

These are the types of "discussions" I find happening within me all the time. I have these "battles of good and evil" or should I say "evil and just-plain-bad" in my head almost constantly. I know the difference between right and wrong, but then there is the "well, it's not COMPLETELY wrong if..."

I hate these struggles and I wish I could overcome these, but some days are worse than others. Today, I can't concentrate. I ate two oranges (only against my own protest) and those didn't do anything. I drink enough water to float the Titanic. I have lettuce in the fridge, but that would be food. I should have a protein bar, to curb my headache, but, once again, that is food... with even more calories.

I am not sure what brought me to this edge this time, but it's full-force, pulling and pushing me strong... which direction though? Thanks for listening to me... now if only I could get the voices in my head to listen...

Truth - depression sucks!

In several of my past posts, you might have noticed that I haven't really been myself. Well, I haven't. I have been diagnosed, and have suffered, with clinical depression for over 10 years. Then throw panic/anxiety attacks on top of that, and you have me... one rather slightly disturbed, messed up lady. The holidays always seem to really push the envelope for me. I don't really enjoy them like I used to. I feel bad because my son loves them. I just can't seem to get into them.

Anyway, I went to my doctor yesterday and we had a nice discussion. It is time to change up my meds. The ones I have been on have seemed to work for quite a while, but things are changing and the meds just aren't doing it for me at this point.

I start my new meds tomorrow, once I get them filled. I am hoping these help because I hate feeling so dark. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to socialize, I just want to be a hermit and stay in my pajamas. I don't have the energy and I don't like the way I feel, the way I look, the way I am, who I am... and the list could go on for pages, if I let it.

I guess, what I want to say is that if there seems like something is not quite right, don't be afraid to look into it. It took me several years to get an accurate diagnosis and it helped me move forward and be who I am. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you are divine, it probably won't get better without therapy and meds. It doesn't hurt to check.

Just when you think all is well

I have had a rough day - it started out rough and the day just keeps going that way. I don't know why I let things get to me, especially little things. I guess I am one of those who are obsessive about what I do. I don't want to do it wrong, otherwise I am a basket-case. I don't want to be late (for anything) because someone is waiting on me. I don't want to skip out on what I need to do, because someone will be effected. I am strangely consciencous of what I do and how I do it. Then ther are so many people who are out there who play the system. Give them an inch and take a mile. That really pisses me off because I don't have it in my heart to even try to get away with that. Also, I DO NOT have a good poker face, so I might as well tattoo "guilty" on my forehead in bright letters. Why do I let little things get to me, raise my blood pressure, and drive me nuts?????

Im officially a nut case!

I have done my own nails for many years. I do the acrylic, I Polish, I clear coat. I hate smudges. I hate lumps. I'm weird. I'm obsessive.

Anywayyyyyy... I bought some of that new trendy crackle nail polish. I applied it. It seemed cool. But... the more I look at it, the more it feels "messy" to me... Ms obsessive compulsive... lets see if I make it 24 hours without totally repolishing my nails!!! Wish me luck! Aarrgghh!!