Will I Be a Secret Forever?

I miss him so bad... and I wonder if maybe someday I won't feel like a secret. Is he ashamed of me? Am I fat? Am I ugly? Or is he just afraid to tell people about me and then get hurt by me?

Maybe someday I won't be such a secret anymore...

Okay... now what....

Just when I have thought it couldn't get any worse... here we go again...

I am having "fat" issues since I met this new guy in my life. My biggest fear was that he would take one look at me and never call me again. Which seems to be the norm.

I made it through our first meeting and several more dates... but I still get worried that he is going to think I'm fat... if my rings are too tight (due to water retention, or whatever), I avoid the scale because I know I'll end up in a downward spiral. But I have my weight logged in the calendar on my phone, just to remind me how fat I am...

And now, I have to get into my 2-pc suit in less than 2 months... and man, do I feel sick about it...

Now what?

New Guy...

Back to the norm... get up and get on the scale... life sucks... can't help it... don't want to be fat, don't want to gain weight. CAN'T gain weight... don't want the new guy in my life to think I'm fat... talk about unnerving... how gross... quickest way to lose a guy is to gain weight... so afraid, so scared... HELP!

February... and Valentine's Day...

Will I spend this Valentine's Day alone... AGAIN...

or

will I finally be able to celebrate this holiday?

Getting Past Mental Roadblocks

In the past, I have been hurt. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. My mind is set to believe that if he doesn't call, then I have said something wrong. If he doesn't answer the phone, he is with someone else. If we don't talk, then he doesn't want anything to do with me. I am so accustomed to getting hurt that I figure I just deserve it and that's life... my life... alone... solitude... Maybe I do deserve it, maybe I don't. I'm a good person with a big heart. I put everyone first and then, if I have time, find time for me. I don't feel I'm pretty or look like a model - I don't wear high fashion, I don't wear makeup, I'm not a size 4, maybe I'm just too horrible to be happy. I'm hurting right now and I can't get past these roadblocks...

Life on Auto Pilot

Lately, I've been living my life day by day, moving along as if I am on auto-pilot - no idea how I get where I'm going, but I get there. Not sure why my body feels numb and why I feel like everything I do is wrong. It's been a ride and part of me wants to get off - my chest hurts, my head hurts, my inner being hurts. I want to curl up in a corner and let the world go on without me. I am not sure what I think or feel anymore. I feel numb... and numb is the word for it. As I sit here and type, my arms feel heavy and my chest feels tight. I am not sure who I am right now, or what comes next? Is it time to break away? Should I make a change? Am I taking too much to heart? Taking too much personally? Do I give too much of myself? Do I expect too much of me? This numb heaviness won't go away and I am scared and confused...

The Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I am not sure which way is good anymore - should I be flying backwards at warp speed, not seeing where I am going? Should I be climbing the highest hill, scared to death? Should I be tearing downward, toward earth, screaming? Should I be standing on the platform, not sure what to expect? Should I be standing on the ground, just an observer?

Kinda Disappointed

I have had a long weekend and am feeling the after-effects this morning. This weekend was a big one for me, a lot of energy and much excitement. I pushed myself to a limit I never felt I would reach, but I did it. But I feel disappointed... not with myself... but with those who let me down. I guess, the way I see it, is... don't make promises you can't (or wont) keep, and don't bother saying it if you don't mean it. I had several people that made promises to my family this weekend and then they backed out on them... not even with so much as a sorry - more of an "I just got lazy and decided not to" and the "I suddenly got tied up and just couldn't do it". I am more upset and frustrated than angry... I want to cry... I feel like I am not worth it... like my family isn't worth it.

Please, before you make promises, think about if you can keep them... if you can't, then don't, if something comes up, please show courtesy... or Just Don't Bother! I don't need this disappointment... I have enough in my life... I don't need you to let me down too!

Trusting People

I have a question. Have you ever talked to someone about something in general and then had them talk to someone else, turning the words around to make it look like it was all in their favor? Making it seem like they were the one who should have been handling it all, instead of being asked why?

I will trust people until they give me a reason not to and this is one person who has just blown the trust factor right out. She has turned things around to sound like she should have done the job because everyone wanted her to, not that someone asked why she wasn't the one doing it... Oh well, but just remember, the best person for the job gets the job done....

I Just Suffered a Loss

My kitty cat died in her sleep last night - she was almost 20 and just finally passed on. I woke to find her this morning and it's been tear-central since that time. I feel sick to my stomach and have a splitting headache. I also had to tell my son that his buddy is gone, to heaven. That didn't go well either. I just want to curl up and cry.