I Should Know... and Understand

Several months back, we discussed his work and he told me right then and there that he works a lot and the job takes him away. He also admitted that the job (which is his career) is the main reason he is still single... and he has had his heart broken. I guess, back at that time, I had to make the conscious decision that either I understand and accept his career or else I might as well throw up my hands at that point... I don't want to be like the one who broke his heart. He is a terrific guy... special... caring... sensitive... and has grown a very intense part in my heart. I told him that I made the decision and I CHOSE to accept what he brought with him, but there are days I doubt myself... wondering if I am actually capable of handling this lifestyle. I care about him and love him... I guess I should just trust my instincts, trust my heart, and let God hold my hand and guide me where he wants me to go... we have agreed that everything happens for a reason and destiny is possible... Please hold my hand and I am here...

Am I A "Worry Wart"?

I'm worrying about things that I have no control over. I worry about things that aren't even wrong, I just assume they are (yes, I know "assume" is a strong word, but it's true). I worry about what will happen next, what's going through their minds, what I might have done wrong, what I might have said wrong... Am I a Worry Wart?

Why Does It Drive Me Nuts?

Okay... so, we are all adults and should act like it. Correct? But she drives me nuts!!!! Quit your whining and complaining. If you don't like it, you know where the door is! No one is keeping you here... just leave... or GROW UP! And then, she comes in and brings her usual fast food breakfast... we are several cubicles away from each other... and I can still hear her chewing and eating... she makes more noise than a cow on a farm. What the hell?

Why Does All This Drive Me Nuts??????????

Will I Be a Secret Forever?

I miss him so bad... and I wonder if maybe someday I won't feel like a secret. Is he ashamed of me? Am I fat? Am I ugly? Or is he just afraid to tell people about me and then get hurt by me?

Maybe someday I won't be such a secret anymore...

Okay... now what....

Just when I have thought it couldn't get any worse... here we go again...

I am having "fat" issues since I met this new guy in my life. My biggest fear was that he would take one look at me and never call me again. Which seems to be the norm.

I made it through our first meeting and several more dates... but I still get worried that he is going to think I'm fat... if my rings are too tight (due to water retention, or whatever), I avoid the scale because I know I'll end up in a downward spiral. But I have my weight logged in the calendar on my phone, just to remind me how fat I am...

And now, I have to get into my 2-pc suit in less than 2 months... and man, do I feel sick about it...

Now what?

New Guy...

Back to the norm... get up and get on the scale... life sucks... can't help it... don't want to be fat, don't want to gain weight. CAN'T gain weight... don't want the new guy in my life to think I'm fat... talk about unnerving... how gross... quickest way to lose a guy is to gain weight... so afraid, so scared... HELP!

February... and Valentine's Day...

Will I spend this Valentine's Day alone... AGAIN...

or

will I finally be able to celebrate this holiday?

Getting Past Mental Roadblocks

In the past, I have been hurt. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. My mind is set to believe that if he doesn't call, then I have said something wrong. If he doesn't answer the phone, he is with someone else. If we don't talk, then he doesn't want anything to do with me. I am so accustomed to getting hurt that I figure I just deserve it and that's life... my life... alone... solitude... Maybe I do deserve it, maybe I don't. I'm a good person with a big heart. I put everyone first and then, if I have time, find time for me. I don't feel I'm pretty or look like a model - I don't wear high fashion, I don't wear makeup, I'm not a size 4, maybe I'm just too horrible to be happy. I'm hurting right now and I can't get past these roadblocks...

Life on Auto Pilot

Lately, I've been living my life day by day, moving along as if I am on auto-pilot - no idea how I get where I'm going, but I get there. Not sure why my body feels numb and why I feel like everything I do is wrong. It's been a ride and part of me wants to get off - my chest hurts, my head hurts, my inner being hurts. I want to curl up in a corner and let the world go on without me. I am not sure what I think or feel anymore. I feel numb... and numb is the word for it. As I sit here and type, my arms feel heavy and my chest feels tight. I am not sure who I am right now, or what comes next? Is it time to break away? Should I make a change? Am I taking too much to heart? Taking too much personally? Do I give too much of myself? Do I expect too much of me? This numb heaviness won't go away and I am scared and confused...

The Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I am not sure which way is good anymore - should I be flying backwards at warp speed, not seeing where I am going? Should I be climbing the highest hill, scared to death? Should I be tearing downward, toward earth, screaming? Should I be standing on the platform, not sure what to expect? Should I be standing on the ground, just an observer?