I just have to vent - Sorry

I work with this girl, Jill. She seems to believe she is mightier than thou and that basic jobs are beneath her. She doesn't like to answer the phone, she can't seem to multi-task, she doesn't handle stress well, she doesn't know how to prioritize. Everyone else suffers because of her "mightier than thou" attitude. And then she has the guts to tell people off-site that she is overworked and needs help. She doesn't understand that by trashing her co-workers, she is making us look like shit. She is one of those that seems to need to be validated. She needs people to be there to hold her hand and help her because she won't take the responsibility when something goes wrong... and in words... SHE doesn't make any mistakes... she has found ways to blame everyone else... She even blames her parents for how she raises her own kids. WHATEVER!!!!!!

Had to vent, feel better, thank you.

What Next?????

I woke with a knot in my neck/shoulder the size of a grapefruit. How many people wake up in the morning with a stress knot????

I feel fat and ugly. As if that has been anything unusual lately.

I have my class reunion coming up. Nothing like feeling like a failure... still.

The guy in my life has gone MIA and has left me in the air, unsure of what's going on.

What's gonna happen next????

Lost, Love, Destiny, and Sadness

My life was on a path, sad but straight, yet alone. I would live each day and do what needed to be done, nothing special, nothing unusual, just the norm.

One day, it seems that destiny intervened and found me. He was a special guy with a big heart. He could make me smile and laugh, we could hold hands and talk, we could cuddle and not say a word. I believe in destiny and the power it holds. I would not have gone looking for this and did not expect to ever feel this way.

I am in love and my heart loves him. We share so much and feel the same, but right now there seems to be potholes. I am sad and lonely - he is busy and works hard. For so many years, he has only lived his own life and has never had anyone to share with, no one to spend time with, no one who would be there for him.

I understand that because I went a long time the same way. Sometimes it's easier to shut everyone out, to avoid being hurt and having to worry about others. Especially if you've been hurt before. You let someone in, trust them, get close, and then they bail when they can't handle the world you live in. When they don't come first, they leave. They only look at themselves as being the victims, they don't see what is going on in the other's life - they are selfish and don't want to see that.

I want to tell him I care and love him. I am going to be there for him, waiting, with open arms. I the beginning, we discussed this and I chose to accept this - and I won't turn back, I don't want to turn back, I can't turn back - I care too much, which seems to be why I am so sad and lonely right now.

I Hate Feeling This Way

I know I just made a post, but my head is pounding, my eyes hurt from crying, my heart aches and I am miserable.

I want to eat - I want to sit down and gorge myself, feeling that the reason that life sucks is because I am not pretty, not a model, not sexy, not worthy of anyone or anything. The only thing I AM worthy of is being miserable, lost and alone.

Maybe eating is wrong - maybe I should see how long I can go without eating. I don't need food. I don't need to eat. I am depressed and still want to die. Maybe starving myself would be a good idea...

Depression

I am sitting here, with tears in my eyes, not sure which end is up right now.

I want to ask questions, but I'm scare to death of the answers. I want to know, but I don't. I am so afraid I can't handle it. I am so scared and worried. This is making me sick and I want to die.

I can't handle being hurt - I would rather die than be hurt again.

What have I done? Why me? Is it just that I deserve this? Am I a bad person?

I'm Losing Control and I Can't Recover...

Have you ever had a series of days, where things seemed to go from good, to bad, leveling off occasionally in between, to catch your breath, before it seems to keep going downhill?

This week has been bad for me. It was a rough start - stressed from day one. Things progressively seemed to get worse... which made me start to get sick... so now add stress, lack of sleep and feeling like shit together and the incline gets steeper.

I got a call from school and my child is getting worse with past due assignments and I can't seem to reason with him or deal with him. I am so confused.

Then, my boyfriend has been so busy with work, being sick, and traveling, that I haven't seem him for forever. Then my mind starts to crank and I wonder if he's ignoring me... does he have someone else... did I do something wrong... or am I just letting my mind play tricks on me? He has promised that he would tell me if something is said or done wrong and I believe him. He is busy... and for so many years, he has been alone, with no one to be accountable to, that me being in his life slips his mind. I know, in my heart that nothing is wrong, but my head is pounding and the world is spinning.

On my way home from work, I couldn't help but wonder how to make this pain stop. Drink until I pass out? Just give up and say goodbye? End it all to end the stress? Would anyone miss me? Would they even notice? Would they even care?

I can't seem to shake this overwhelmingly scary feeling going through me...

Valentine's Day

Yep, guess what... spent Valentine's Day alone... he had school and I spent the night alone... so much for that holiday!!! I sent him his card because I just had that feeling... guess I should be used to it by now... :(

I Should Know... and Understand

Several months back, we discussed his work and he told me right then and there that he works a lot and the job takes him away. He also admitted that the job (which is his career) is the main reason he is still single... and he has had his heart broken. I guess, back at that time, I had to make the conscious decision that either I understand and accept his career or else I might as well throw up my hands at that point... I don't want to be like the one who broke his heart. He is a terrific guy... special... caring... sensitive... and has grown a very intense part in my heart. I told him that I made the decision and I CHOSE to accept what he brought with him, but there are days I doubt myself... wondering if I am actually capable of handling this lifestyle. I care about him and love him... I guess I should just trust my instincts, trust my heart, and let God hold my hand and guide me where he wants me to go... we have agreed that everything happens for a reason and destiny is possible... Please hold my hand and I am here...

Am I A "Worry Wart"?

I'm worrying about things that I have no control over. I worry about things that aren't even wrong, I just assume they are (yes, I know "assume" is a strong word, but it's true). I worry about what will happen next, what's going through their minds, what I might have done wrong, what I might have said wrong... Am I a Worry Wart?

Why Does It Drive Me Nuts?

Okay... so, we are all adults and should act like it. Correct? But she drives me nuts!!!! Quit your whining and complaining. If you don't like it, you know where the door is! No one is keeping you here... just leave... or GROW UP! And then, she comes in and brings her usual fast food breakfast... we are several cubicles away from each other... and I can still hear her chewing and eating... she makes more noise than a cow on a farm. What the hell?

Why Does All This Drive Me Nuts??????????