OCD & Self-Confidence

Were you aware that when you suffer from OCD, anxiety & an eating-disorder... it's REALLY hard to have a high level of Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem?????? I was told, this week, that I need to work on my self-confidence... by the same person who told me that anxiety & depression are "all in the mind". I am frustrated... and kinda angry and hurt... no one seems to understand. I feel so alone in this situation. I would love to be more confident, but where do I start? My body image sucks, I feel fat & ugly, I am angry & hurt, I feel betrayed & misunderstood... I don't know where to start...

More "Perfect" People

I hate pool parties. This weekend was one of those. I went, but didn't feel very social. All the girls had flat tummies (only a few have had kids) and all of them were in two-piece suits. Talk about feeling like shit. And then there are the guys. They don't have to shave their legs, they don't have to have a flat stomach, and THEY DON'T CARE... and no one looks at them like they should lose weight or cover up!!!! I hate my body and I really want a tummy tuck so I can fit in and be happier. Maybe it would even boost my self-esteem and self-confidence. I went to be social, but I sat and watched from the sidelines, trying to soak up the relaxation aspect... but, instead, was getting stressed over my body image.

I Want To Say Thanks

After my last post, it may not make sense, but I just want to say Thank You to everyone who visits my blog and those who have supported me. Thank you. :)

I'm having a "dark" day

Today has been rough. I feel like a miserable piece of shit who is worthless. I'm not sure why, but I suddenly have this feeling. Every so often I get like this. I have been on my meds, so that's not it. I just can't understand what's wrong with me. Everyone tells me I'm pretty and have a great smile. Why am I so lonely and miserable? Obviously there is something more... a good friend of mine just had a birthday and I told him we would grab some dinner - my treat. He agreed, but always seems to have an excuse. Is he ashamed to be seen with me? Am I really that ugly and gross? I can't help but figure it's ME with the problem... which makes me feel fat and gross... thus leading to me not eating because, god forbid, I'll get fat (ter). I automatically figure there is something wrong with me... because it can't possibly be anyone else's fault or flaw. I feel so fat & gross, but I know I'm not THAT fat... I have tried numerous weight loss pills... is that bad??? I am so depressed and hurt... what should I do?????

I have a dilemma

I have a dilemma at work and I'm getting frustrated. I have worked for our director for several years and we basically have the same value and view our jobs the same - work hard, get it done, don't let people down, and do it right the first time. I am working on the "don't take it personal" aspect... but that's just me. And then there is the "ask for help" segment... I hate asking for help because I can do it all... it might kill me... but it'll get done... which is another "value" I inherited from my director. (Wasn't that nice of him to share????)

Anyway, there is a manager between me and him. He is a nice guy and does know his stuff, but lately, his attitude has really sucked. All I hear is "I don't care anymore" "Why bother?" "I don't give a rat's ass about this guy". This attitude is really starting to piss me off. I get very frustrated.

And then, to add insult to injury, both our internal people and those at remote locations do not like to call in and talk to him because he has made several mistakes and they are not that forgiving. So he gets mad when they call and talk to me. (Is this childish or what?) So many people have given me tasks because he lets them slip through.

So, I am doing the work of two or more people, my director says to ask for help, but the only person to ask is the one with the bad attitude who doesn't follow through.

I am frustrated and not sure what to do. I am not going to quit because my director made a special effort to bring me on board and be "someone he can trust and count on to get things done right". I'm sure he sees it, but I am not going to be a tattle-tale.

There are so many mixed signals. Maybe I'll just sit quietly at my desk, in my office, do my work, and dismiss the world... I am caught in a Catch-22.

Technology Sucks!

I tried to update my son's computer... it didn't work. So, I decided to reformat the whole damn thing because it was mine and I had things on and off it. Files were bad... he only plays games... I figured "what the hell?" I had the disk and the code, so away I went. I hit start and reformatted everything... no turning back... everything was gone. I tried to get back in and the code they gave me doesn't fit in the registration, so I was totally screwed. Now it didn't work at all. I had to call the company and find out what to do... but that was after I swore like a truck driver and had a few tantrums...

Rule of thumb... stay away from technology unless you absolutely HAVE to deal with it!!!!!!

I hate being sick!

Here I am, suffering from my yearly sinus infection. I am too damn stubborn to see a doctor. And I feel like my head is going to explode... and I am on the phones all day at work. I just am in the mood to complain because I hate being sick! I don't have time...

Shoes

Do I really need ANOTHER pair of shoes? Went to the store to buy one pair of dress shoes... walked out with 4 pair... 2 styles, each in a different color. My rational... they look cool. I will wear them and I do have outfits to go with my shoes. Is this just a woman thing or am I just crazy? I guess you can say I have a shoe fetish. Oh well, I'm a woman and it's my perogative!!!!!

One More Day

Yesterday I struggled and I managed to eat very little. I knew that the scale was taunting me and I had to get the numbers back down. I drank a lot of water and an occasional piece of candy, but nothing with too much substanance. I listened to my stomach growl and my head was pounding, but having been through it all before, the first day is the worst and it can only get better. No one was home last night so I didn't have to worry about sitting down for a meal. (Whew!)

This morning I woke up and knew I had to eat, so made a fried egg - not spectacular - but it was food - on my way out the door to class. Class was a lot of training - I was tired... I drank plenty of water, but I survived on the small "breakfast" I ate (if that's what you want to call it).

My son and I came home and I took a nap - I was exhausted. I took him to a halloween party and then I went to dinner with my mom. I had a stomach ache and felt nausious, maybe because I hadn't eaten. I ate my salad and had a few bites of my meal, and brought the rest home. It was hard - I love mexican food, but I didn't want to eat it... I need to control my intake.

When I dropped my son off, I got to see more "perfect" people with "perfect" bodies looking "perfect" to all the guys. I get so frustrated. I hate my tummy from the baby. I can't get it to go away. I still want plastic surgery. I wish I could be pretty, thin, etc, etc, etc. I get so angry. I'm not sure who I'm mad at - I'm not sure who to blame - but if I can get my thinking on track, I can be the one in control. That's what I need - I need to be in control...

Hope today is better

Last night was rough. My whole day was pretty much shot to hell. The day was just never-ending. I was convinced that everything that went wrong would inevitably come back to being blamed on me. I put on my big baggy lounge clothes and curled up in my bed. When that didn't help, I tried to blog, but that didn't do much for me either. I just have not felt entirely myself. Maybe it has a lot to do with my meds - I know I need to stay on them because I can run about 2 weeks without taking them before my body goes through a complete mental, physical & emotional breakdown. And when that day comes, it's not a pretty site. I woke up this morning with my mind still spinning - not sure of who's mad at me or what I did wrong. I only have a short drive to work, so I took the long way- went from 10 minutes to almost 20 - just enough for me to listen to my tunes and try to gather my thoughts. I hate it when my mind is going in so many directions. It's just as bad as hearing voices... I think. I want everyone to be better and happy. I even apologized to several people for my "attitude deficiency" yesterday. I was told I didn't have to apologize and that everyone has those days. I just always feel like I need to apologize... just in case I did something wrong without knowing.