I Just Suffered a Loss

My kitty cat died in her sleep last night - she was almost 20 and just finally passed on. I woke to find her this morning and it's been tear-central since that time. I feel sick to my stomach and have a splitting headache. I also had to tell my son that his buddy is gone, to heaven. That didn't go well either. I just want to curl up and cry.

Climbing Up and Crashing Down

I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, which seems to go really well with the whole eating disorder and cutting thing, but that's a whole other issue at this time.

Anyway - I live my life day to day, in a calm level state... I try not to get too excited because I come down way too hard.

This past weekend was exciting and I had a blast - I seemed to float on cloud 9 for hours, but then my mind started cranking and I started assuming the worst... even the logical didn't make sense. I assumed the worst, assumed it was me, assumed it was my fault, figured it was too good to be true and somehow, I totally fucked things up. I didn't come down slowly - I plummeted down - to the concrete below, where I am laying now, in a messy pile, too exhausted and depressed to want to pull myself together.

I hate feeling like this. Maybe it's easier to stay a messy pile of goo on the ground than fear falling so fast and hard again. Maybe that's why I try to not be too happy...

I want to cry... I hate feeling like this...

I Am Having a Guy-Issue

There is this guy in my life, who has been here for what seems like forever. We are close and can talk about anything... and I mean ANYTHING! We talk shopping, we talk work, we talk kids, we talk sex, we talk erotica. I mean ANYTHING! We have a bond that we share deep inside. He makes my tummy do loops and makes me excited. I love being around him and just the smell of his cologne takes me to the edge of reality. He is soft and gentle. He is caring and passionate. He is patient and kind. What we share is incredible. I am able to share with him, what I don't trust anyone else with... my heart, my soul, my deepest secrets, my strongest desires. And now I have met someone. He is quiet and shy, but strong and supportive. His hugs make me feel secure and his kisses make me melt. I long to feel his kisses as he holds me close. But he doesn't excite me inside like I feel with A. Is this wrong? Am I just confused? Is it possible to have a caring and supportive bond with one person, but feel such a strong physical attraction to another?

What Next?

Remember when I had the meltdown because the scale readout said I was somewhere between overweight and obese? Well, now they came back and told me that I need to lose between 45 & 50 pounds. Oh sure, no problem... last time I got that low, I was anorexic... but if they insist...

Okay, I so feel miserable enough as it is... and then this... and then I am standing up in a wedding in a few weeks... oh, life sucks right now!

Betrayed...

Have you ever gotten depressed because you suddenly felt betrayed?

You think maybe it's all in your head, but it keeps coming back around...

Maybe I am unimportant... maybe I am useless... maybe I am worthless...

OVERWHELMED!!!!!!

Have you ever had that time where you start to wonder if you will ever catch up, if you will ever get everything done, if you will ever be able to think straight in the sea of confusion?

It started yesterday when I felt like I was still buried alive and really wasn't sure which direction to go in, as everything has a priority and everything needs to be done yesterday.

I go to bed at night thinking about everything I need to do, my mind won't shut down thinking of everything that is waiting for me, and then I walk in in the morning and hit the sea of "stuff" with no idea what to do first. I need to do everything, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to do a damn thing!!!!!

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay then, they tell me I'm OBESE!!

Having a melt-down here... which is not good, from my point of view...

We had a wellness meeting and they took all the bad things... weight, height, body fat, BMI, you name it... all those things that the people with eating disorders despise.

Well, my day went to hell in a handbasket at that point... I did go down in weight... yippee skippee!!!! That's good... right? But then they said my BMI is less than 30 - so I am still "clinically" overweight. But then there is the ever popular Body Fat!!! The scale says I'm 42%, the book says I should be 33%, so I am now... "clinically obese"... If the overweight wasn't bad enough, the obese thing has just kicked my ass......

I Hate the Feeling of Not Knowing

I hate the feeling of not knowing what is coming next. Have you ever known that something was going on and something was going to happen, but you're left in the dark? Looking over your shoulder? Waiting on that fateful moment?

I hate the feeling of not knowing...

Yes, but...

Oh, right now rationale is out of the question... I have experienced a few side effects and health issues and no one seems to understand my rationalization.

My blood sugar has been running really low... because I haven't been eating enough... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat...so I don't really eat...

My iron count has dropped to a low and I have been drained with a major headache for 3 days and it has a lot to do with not eating right... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't really eat.

I can wear short skirts and show off my body... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I change to something big and baggy.

I am so hungry and really need to eat because my body feels like I have been hit by a semi... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't...

Yes, but...

Real Life "what NOT to wear"

I am a people-watcher. I am very self-conscious of what I wear and how I look. If I feel I look fat or the clothes look too tight, or whatever, I change. If I am uncomfortable, I won’t wear it. It may also depend on my mood. And then there are some places that certain outfits are not appropriate.

But then there are people out there who wear things that I would not be caught dead in, unless I knew I could pull it off… kinda like a “what not to wear” episode.

There is one person in our office who tries to wear things that she SHOULD NOT wear – she doesn’t have the body or the grace to wear some of these outfits.

Recently she wore an outfit that concerns me… her body is not proportioned and she has little or no grace. Her body is “thick” and some outfits don’t do it for her… she actually looks trampy.

Her legs are short and thick, she has no muscle tone, she is pasty white and the dress she is wearing only comes down about 6 inches below her butt. She doesn’t wear panty hose, she wears sloppy flats (or goes barefoot), and the dress is a bright color, which draws more attention to the “not to wear” part. She sounds like a horse walking down the hall, especially when she is barefoot. And then she flops in her chair and rattles the whole place. Taking no concern to her dress being too short to do that.

Obviously gracefulness is not in her vocabulary… and neither is professionalism.

She always looks like she has just rolled out of bed or she got dressed in the dark.

If you don’t have the body, some outfits were not meant to be worn… especially in public!!!!!