I Guess I Can't Blame Him

I guess I can't really blame him... why would he want to come home to me?
I'm sure there are sexier, thinner, model-types out there that would kill for him...
why would he want me?

Reality Check... SUCKS

I've been avoiding the inevitable... stepping on the scale. I was afraid to see the results. When I don't feel good about myself, why get on the scale and send my esteem into a downward spiral? I did it today... and I guess it's just deserved... I got on the scale and wanted to cry. I did not like what I saw, I hate how my clothes feel, no wonder I am alone, I want to die. I have a hard enough time with myself, but this takes the cake... I feel like a whale and want to disappear. I guess it's time for the drastic measures again... no one understands that once an eating disorder victim, there are always those tendencies somewhere in the back of my mind.

Feel Miserable over the Holidays

The holidays come and go, and I feel worse now than I did before.
I have the time I don't need to focus on myself and find criticism. Today, my stomach is gross, my arms are fat (from the side), ewwww... ickkkkkk.... even after watching Dance Your Ass Off... I feel feel like a fat, ugly lump!

I Wish I Knew Where I Stand

One day, you have attention for me and you can make me smile and laugh. The next day, we barely get a chance to speak at all. I am never quite sure if I have, unknowingly, done or said something wrong. Or maybe your life at home has had some changes. Maybe you don't see me like you did. Maybe you are realizing that I am not what you want. I wish I knew. I guess, if I knew, I could address it, handle it, live with it. But the not knowing... that is what is killing me. I am the kind of person who assumes the worst (and yes, I know what Assume means!) and figure I am completely at fault... somehow, in some way, shape or form... whether I was anywhere around or not. I just wish I knew where I stand with you because you still hold a very special place in my heart and mind... and no one has been able to fill those spots but you. I wish I knew...

When at work... WORK!

when you are on the clock, do your work... it's not time to socialize and chit chat... and ignore what needs to be done... OMG!

Hate How I Feel

Like like crap this morning - feel fat and ugly. Want to crawl in a hole and never come out!

Summer is coming...

Last night, laying in bed, thinking that summer is right around the corner.
I do not like anything about me. I am sick of being alone. I am sick of being frustrated. I am sick of feeling like I am lost in the world. Then, I might as well add the fact that I am sick of the way I look. I have a friend, who has lost weight and she looks so good. The problem is - she has done it by not eating. I have talked to her about it, because I have been there, done that.... but, in a sick way, I am jealous of her. She is now thin, pretty, and even has a boyfriend, after her recent divorce. I feel like a fat ugly lump and need to do something about it.
Today is a new day and today I am starting back on the "habits" that will (hopefully) get me to where I need to be in the next couple weeks. I just need to stick with it... no matter what.

People in Control

Have you ever worked with someone who feels the need to be in control of everything - having the final say and making all the plans?

Should I Feel Bad?

We have been having meetings at work, with the CEO, financial directors, and even the Board.
The CEO is a great guy and very down to earth. I have not once had a problem with him. He treats me with respect and introduces me to others with the highest regards. Several other people have made comments that he is old-fashioned and does not want to see women succeed or work in management roles. I don't see that, but I guess we are all equal. I have never got that feeling from him. I am not afraid to say Hi to him as I pass him or even laugh with him. He does not act like he is above the rest of us, so I don't feel intimidated by him. Should I? A lot of the women around me seem to keep their distance from him, because of his position within the company. He approaches me and talks to me. He jokes with me and laughs with me. He acts like I'm a human. Is that wrong?

So, how should I feel?

I guess I would like to know... do you care or do you not?
I know we both have so much going on. You tell me that if I need anything, just call. Well, when I do, you seem to be busy with other stuff. You used to call to check on me, but now it suddenly seems as if it's not necessary to check on me. When I have my melt-down, then you get concerned. Does it not concern you to keep me from melting down? Look for signs that the edge is near?
I guess I would like to know...