I Just Suffered a Loss

My kitty cat died in her sleep last night - she was almost 20 and just finally passed on. I woke to find her this morning and it's been tear-central since that time. I feel sick to my stomach and have a splitting headache. I also had to tell my son that his buddy is gone, to heaven. That didn't go well either. I just want to curl up and cry.

Climbing Up and Crashing Down

I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, which seems to go really well with the whole eating disorder and cutting thing, but that's a whole other issue at this time.

Anyway - I live my life day to day, in a calm level state... I try not to get too excited because I come down way too hard.

This past weekend was exciting and I had a blast - I seemed to float on cloud 9 for hours, but then my mind started cranking and I started assuming the worst... even the logical didn't make sense. I assumed the worst, assumed it was me, assumed it was my fault, figured it was too good to be true and somehow, I totally fucked things up. I didn't come down slowly - I plummeted down - to the concrete below, where I am laying now, in a messy pile, too exhausted and depressed to want to pull myself together.

I hate feeling like this. Maybe it's easier to stay a messy pile of goo on the ground than fear falling so fast and hard again. Maybe that's why I try to not be too happy...

I want to cry... I hate feeling like this...

I Am Having a Guy-Issue

There is this guy in my life, who has been here for what seems like forever. We are close and can talk about anything... and I mean ANYTHING! We talk shopping, we talk work, we talk kids, we talk sex, we talk erotica. I mean ANYTHING! We have a bond that we share deep inside. He makes my tummy do loops and makes me excited. I love being around him and just the smell of his cologne takes me to the edge of reality. He is soft and gentle. He is caring and passionate. He is patient and kind. What we share is incredible. I am able to share with him, what I don't trust anyone else with... my heart, my soul, my deepest secrets, my strongest desires. And now I have met someone. He is quiet and shy, but strong and supportive. His hugs make me feel secure and his kisses make me melt. I long to feel his kisses as he holds me close. But he doesn't excite me inside like I feel with A. Is this wrong? Am I just confused? Is it possible to have a caring and supportive bond with one person, but feel such a strong physical attraction to another?