30 January 2012

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Join the Mom Blog Monday

The Not-So-Secret Confessions of a First Time Mom

Do You MIngle?

Tough Cookie Mommy hosts the Monday Mingle Blog Hop.
I have the link below.
Check it out...


It's Monday... another Monday... same shit, different Monday.
Yea, it's been one of those already. I woke up late and that throws me totally for a loop. Feel like I got hit by a truck this weekend, but that seems to be nothing new.
Have the final exam in my management class tonight, so it it gonna be a long damn day... Happy Monday, ya know.

Anyway. I am alive... I think. Physically I'm here... mentally, I think I am still curled up in bed.

It'll get better... I hope... either way, life goes on.

Happy Monday Everyone!

25 January 2012

Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.
There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

24 January 2012

Maybe change is on the wind...

For any of you people who follow me, you notice that occasionally (okay, so recently more occasionally that not), work has been a major stressor in my life. The whole situation, the attitudes, the stress, the tension, the stupidity, the lack of money, the lack of appreciation, the inability for people to say "please", "thank you", and "good job", yadda yadda yadda....

Okay, well, I have done some checking and have a meeting coming up.

Part of me is scared shitless, and the other part is nervous, yet excited.

I have a possible opportunity, but I am so used to my comfort zone that it's stressing me out just as much as the current stress.

I know it might be a big change, if it goes through, yet I don't want to leave anyone hanging, so I probably should look at dotting my I's and crossing my t's right away, in case...

Wish me luck, I'll keep you posted... but I wanted to share this with someone... and you are it!!!!

23 January 2012

My mom - like having another child

In 2007, my mom had hip surgery. She has a heart arythmia and she is on blood thinners, along with high cholesterol... and I am part of all this, thanks to the wonder family gene pool.

Anyway... she went in for a test today and her doctor just called. Her blood count is way off. Anyway, she obviously has not paid attention to her "what not to eat" which just goes to show that we all get too comfortable with our routines and habits and tend to "forget" what we need to remember. Apparently, 3 salads a day will fuck with the blood thinner. Hello? Even I knew that... apparently she "forgot", until I reminded her that the bad mix can cause blood clots, stroke, etc.

The color left her face. I have a hard enough time keeping track of myself, why do I need to watch an 80-year old who acts like she knows it all???


Sunday Stealing 1.22.12

Sunday Stealing: The Never Ending Meme, Ends
Cheers to all of us thieves!

36. Have you watched American Horror Story? no

37. Baseball hat or toque? Baseball hat

38. Do you shampoo or soap up first in the shower? shampoo

39. Wet the toothbrush or brush dry with the toothpaste? Wet the toothbrush

40. Pen or pencil? Pen

41. Have you ever gambled at a casino? Yes, once

42. Have you thrown up on a plane? No

43. Have you thrown up in a car? Yes

44. Have you thrown up at work? Yes

45. Do you scream on roller coasters? Yes

46. How many shoes do you have? over 3 dozen pairs

47. Who was your first roommate? my ex-husband

48. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk for the first time? malibu

49. What was your first job? papergirl

50. What was your first car? Maverick

51. When did you go to your first funeral? When I was really little

52. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown? I still live here

53. Who was your first grade teacher? Mrs. Sherman

54. Where did you go on your first airplane ride? South Dakota

55. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with? Dunno

56. Who was your first best friend and are you still friends with them? Lisa... yes

57. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents’ house? Milwaukee

58. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Coco

59. Whose wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen? Alisa's

60. What is the first thing you do in the morning? Feed the cats

61. What was the first concert you attended? Motley Crue

62. First tattoo or piercing? Tattoo (i was 16 and did it myself)

63. First celebrity crush? Andy Gibb

21 January 2012

Until the meltdown...

I feel like support and friends are around...  Until the meltdown... I'm having one. I can't explain it. It suddenly feels like i am so alone. No one is here. No one cares.  I cry in my pillow and wonder what is next, until I wake in the morning. I pour a glass of wine and turn off my light. I guess I'm alone. I will be that way. I will ask God for guidance as I fight my feelings. I'm not sure what comes next, but this linliness and anxiety are beating me down. I am fighting the voices in my head and the feelings in my heart.

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Inner girl talking

The girl with an ED is talking now. I am stressed and angry. Frustrated and scared. I feel like hell and want to disappear. Can you make me understand? What is going on? What is happening? I am so full of stress and anxiety. I want to cry. I want to scream. I don't want to eat. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want anyone to look at me. I want to remain behind the computer and stay solo. You don't care. You don't seem to care. Why me? You have no idea why I feel this way. I wish people understood, I wish I could explain it, but I can't. No one gets it unless they have been there.

I am so stressed and frustrated right now.

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20 January 2012

What happened?

Do you have any idea what you are doing to me? To my mind? To my heart?

We used to have the best between us. I was under the impression that we still do but you make me feel like shit. You walk by me without speaking. You don't include me in conversations. And the list goes on. I wish you could see what you are doing to me. You have no idea how I interpret this. I already have a body image that is down the tubes and then, when you seem to not see me, I feel like hell. I feel like I am no longer pretty or attractive. I don't feel like you miss me when we are apart. Do you still think about me? Do you still miss me? You tell me you do, but how true are you? Why do I not believe you? You have crushed my heart and messed up my brain. I thought I was someone but when you suddenly change your attitude, it hits me right in the heart. I feel even fatter, uglier, lonlier, depressed. You don't understand that, what I have suffered with every day of my life, comes back to haunt me with each of these motions you make. You can't seem to see that you are tearing me apart and tearing everything about me apart. I don't feel like I can ever trust what people, or do. I can only say that they are fronts, to keep from hurting my feelings.

I love my son... but...

Tonight has been melt-down city since I got home.

I went to the grocery store, and dropped almost $100 with only 3 small bags. I went for 5 things and walked out with the small bags. I got home, the roads suck, we are dealing with snow and slipper roads. My 15 minute drive from work to home took me almost a 1/2 hour. And then there was the grocery store... Anyway, I got home.

My son brought in 2 bags and I had the rest of the shit. I can only carry so much, including locking the car and closing the garage door. I ran out of fingers to carry, so I put the 5lb bag of grapefruit in my purse, as I was NOT going to make another trip. I got to the house and my son is in the kitchen and my hands are full. I put something down to open the door and half-way open he yells at me because I didn't let him open the door.

Then it was just a variety of issues rolling downhill. I asked him to put something away, he snapped and said "I will". I turned away. He then wouldn't move when I opened the fridge, so my fingers got pinched. He then apologized for pinching my fingers. Then I dropped a piece of meat on the floor, he apologized.

This kid is sweet, but I could fall off a cliff, 400 miles from him, and he would be the one apologizing it happened. That absolutely drives me nuts!

Then if I don't answer him in the correct tone of voice, so he thinks I'm mad or upset. If I talk loud, he tells me I'm yelling. Then his voice increases.

I love my child to death... but he might be the death of one of us by the time this is over.

Today he had no school, finals are over, he was up and under my feet at 5am (in my serenity space I crave in the morning) and then my mom got up. Let's add to it that, since it was cold and snowing, I don't think either of them got dressed or went outside. My parking spot, in the driveway, was still full of snow. My mom and son have been stranded together, in one house, all day... and that never means anything good will come out of it. That just adds to the stress and pain.

I left for work 20 minutes earlier than usual. And mind you, I already leave home an hour before my day starts (flash back to my statement that my commute is 15 minutes). I get my "me" time. No one looks for me at work that early, I don't have to answer phones. I take the time to group, regroup, and ease my way into my day. No one else in the department shows up for another hour after I start.

I love my son to death and wouldn't trade him for the world... except maybe this morning... and maybe tonight... I love him when he is sleeping (does that count?) I think I need a glass of wine... and some ear plugs.

A new Friday hop I'm following

Feature Me Friday

Freaky Friday Follow

Join the...

FFF 1 Freaky Friday

I Confess... I can be obsessive


I confess...
I hate it when the bath towels are thrown on the rack. I have to straighten them up.

I confess...
I hate it when crumbs are left on the counter. I have to clean them up.

I confess...
I hate it when my socks don't match. I have to have one right and one left.

I confess...
I hate odd change. When get gas, I pump to the round dollar.

I confess...
I hate my desk being messy. I need to make sure it's clean every night when I leave work.

I confess...
I can't drink one bag tea. I always steep at least two per cup.

19 January 2012

We Want to Know Wednesday


This week's questions are from our awesome co-hostess Queso and she wants to know...

{1} Which of the following phrases characterizes how you live your life?
a. You only live once
b. test the water before jumping in
c. stability is the key to life
C. I am not that spontaneous!

{2} What were you doing the last time you had a really good laugh?
At dinner with the crew...
{3} Who is the last person you hugged?
My son
{4} What song always makes you happy when you hear it?
The Muppets 12 days of Christmas
{5} What's the first thing you thought about this morning?
Why does the cat think 4:45am is a good time to eat breakfast????????


I am having such a hard time concentrating today. My mind is racing and I am cold. I am normally warm, but here I sit, in a sweater and a cardigan. I can't seem to concentrate or focus. My head is jumping all over and I can look at something and it isn't making any sense. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. This has been a long week. I think it's the fact that my body is finally having a meltdown from the stress of this week. There is too much going on in my mind to keep me moving forward without tripping over my own feet.

18 January 2012


I have been watching what I have been eating and have even looked into the Blood Type Diet. It makes sense and I am starting to feel better. It takes some mindset and thinking, especially since everything I love is on the naughty list. But I have notice a slight weight decrease since I started.

This is good!!!!


Last night, after yesterday's insanity, I couldn't think straight. My brain was swimming and my eyes were swimming in the sockets. I got home, tried to do homework, but that failed... I couldn't comprehend anything. I had a glass of Chardonnay and was in bed, sound asleep my 7:30pm.

Me and stress don't always see eye-to-eye. It kicks my ass and then takes me down.

There comes a time when things have to change... and I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and possible change on the horizon. Keeping my fingers crossed.

17 January 2012

Random Thought

One person - get in line!!!!

Today is one of those type of days.
I am one person. I cannot be everywhere at once. I have two ears... only one if I'm on the phone. I know your voice over the phone when you say hello, but I am really hoping you aren't calling to ask for help. I can only finish one thing at a time... Right now I have at least a dozen going and NOTHING done. I understand it's an emergency... but it'll have to wait. You really need to ask WHY I am on anxiety and stress meds??? I know you asked me for that... it's on my desk... somewhere. When I find it, I'll get to it, and then I'll let you know. Yes, I am working on it. No, I don't know when it will be done. No, I don't have any idea. I know you need it NOW. It'll have to wait until I get done with yesterday's emergencies. Yes, I got your email, it's about 20 down in my inbox. I can only do one thing at a time... and do it right.

Jan 17 Blog Dare Blog Prompt

Tuesday, January 17, 2012 - The first time I saw...

In 2010, I took my son to see professional bull riding for the first time. It was awesome. He had a blast. We both got to meet a few of the riders. We drove to Iowa, but it was a weekend for us!!!

a mom blog community

16 January 2012

Congrats (and Thank you) to a Fellow Blogger

Please stop by Susi's blog and say Hi. She was just bestowed with the Liebster Award.

Her blog is awesome... and she even put me on her list of top 5 blog picks.

I want to thank her for linking to me.

I want to congratulate her on all her hard work and blogging!!!

Rock on Boca Frau!!!!

Take The Pledge Campaign

The Mom Pledge is about women standing up, speaking out, and coming together to eradicate online bullying among moms. The time has come for us to take the power back and own this issue.

BWS tips button

The Mom Pledge

I am a proud to be a mom. I will conduct myself with integrity in all my online activities. I can lead by example.

I pledge to treat my fellow moms with respect. I will acknowledge that there is no one, "right" way to be a good Mom. Each woman makes the choices best for her family.

I believe a healthy dialogue on important issues is a good thing. I will welcome differing opinions when offered in a respectful, non-judgmental manner. And will treat those who do so in kind.

I stand up against cyber bullying. My online space reflects who I am and what I believe in. I will not tolerate comments that are defamatory, hateful or threatening.

I refuse to give those who attack a platform. I will remove their remarks with no mention or response. I can take control.

I want to see moms work together to build one another up, not tear each other down. Words can be used as weapons. I will not engage in that behavior.

I affirm that we are a community. As a member, I will strive to foster goodwill among moms. Together, we can make a difference.

I have taken the Mom Pledge and placed the button on my sidebar. It is important, that as moms, we set good examples and treat those around us, with respect. We all come from different backgrounds and religions. We have different situation and beliefs. It is important that we respect each other's opinions, no matter how different from our own. We need to act like responsible, respectable moms.

01.16.12 - today is Monday Mingle with Tough Cookie Mommy

15 January 2012

My Blog

This may not be anything impressive, but I guess I am amazed at how far I have come.
I started this blog, as a trial, in October 2006. It has now been over 5 years and I have posted over 350 posts. Many of which have been in the past year or so, when I decided to use this as a tool to meet people and share.

Thanks to all my followers and those who visit and comment.

I love you all!

13 January 2012

Feeling Beachie - Friday Fill-in 1.13.12

Each week, Feeling Beachie does a blog hot, listing four statements with a blank for you to fill in on your own blogs. If you want to join the fun and come up with four fill in’s of your own, please email them to me at feelingbeachie@gmail.com. If I use them, I will add you as co-host to the hop! This week’s co-host is Tami from Empty Nest in IL she came up with the last two statements

I would LOVE it if you could please help me spread the word about this hop…. So, please tweet, FaceBook share, and add the linky to your post…

This week’s statements:

1. I have never eaten _shark_

2. I like to _sing_ in _my car, to the radio__

3. If I could go back and change one thing, it would be _to stick with my hobbies_.

4. My greatest _wish_ for my _son_ is _to be the best he can be_.


11 January 2012

The voices in my head

This week has been constant running. I have not had time to think and stop. Monday, I worked all day and then had a meeting that night. Tuesday, I worked all day and then had a dinner event.

I started taken my new medicine last Friday, so I have been working to get used to it. I haven't been hungry lately and I am not sure if it's the medicine. I guess that is a side effect... so I am not sure if it's truly the medicine or if it's a mind-thing. Either way, I haven't been eating. I am actually, not really hungry, and my body doesn't seem to be craving food, but the voices in my head tell me I should eat because it's something I do, but then the "other" voices tell me that if I'm not hungry, don't eat because not eating will help lose weight. I want to lose weight. I hate how I feel and how I look. I have been through this before. If I can get past the mental hunger, I will be fine. Just a couple days and I can feel better. I haven't eaten much today either. I have an aching head, but nothing I can't live with. I know that if I get over the initial bump in the road, I can cut my eating without going nuts.

I don't know if you understand what I am saying, and you might not, and I wouldn't expect you to, but I needed to write, to clear my head.

These are the types of "discussions" I find happening within me all the time. I have these "battles of good and evil" or should I say "evil and just-plain-bad" in my head almost constantly. I know the difference between right and wrong, but then there is the "well, it's not COMPLETELY wrong if..."

I hate these struggles and I wish I could overcome these, but some days are worse than others. Today, I can't concentrate. I ate two oranges (only against my own protest) and those didn't do anything. I drink enough water to float the Titanic. I have lettuce in the fridge, but that would be food. I should have a protein bar, to curb my headache, but, once again, that is food... with even more calories.

I am not sure what brought me to this edge this time, but it's full-force, pulling and pushing me strong... which direction though? Thanks for listening to me... now if only I could get the voices in my head to listen...

Wednesday is Friends-Day

The MamaZone Button

Happy Wednesday

I'm sure this is a silly post, but after the time it took to decide on my "new look" yesterday, I came back to visit it today... and I think it is soooooo coooool! :)
I love the colors and think I did a good job (*pat* *pat*).

Hehe... Happy Wednesday!!!!

10 January 2012

My new look

Felt like it was time for a change...
Hope you like it.
I think it's a little catchier than it was before.
Thank you to all my followers.

Ever felt...

Have you ever felt like you don't get the credit you deserve?
How often do you accomplish something totally awesome and you are so happy you are flying, but no one seems as excited as you? You want to scream from the mountain tops and tell the world, but there is something inside you that doesn't crave for the attention, at least not outright. To have someone just say "good job" or "congratulations" would mean more than anything, but the ones you truly wish to hear it from never say it. And sometimes it seems like the more they DON'T say it, the more they take advantage of you?

Another day... another Catch 22

Sunday, I got kinda "dolled up". I actually put makeup on (yes, I do own it). My son told me I was pretty. Yesterday, I got dressed, felt I looked nice, did my hair, put on makeup, and went to work. The one person I hoped would notice did not say a thing. He had time to stop and talk with everyone else, but me. So, I guess even though I thought that I felt pretty, obviously no one else thought so. So today, screw it. I didn't put on makeup, I dressed nice and pulled my hair back, but no makeup. After yesterday, makeup wouldn't even help me feel pretty today. I get so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel that way. Maybe I wasn't meant to be pretty.

Motivation, I guess, but yet so true

09 January 2012

Mondays are tough

Today has been a rough day. I haven't felt like myself.
I kinda feel like I've been left hanging today.
One day you are there for me and then next you aren't.
I know you have bad days like I do, so I can understand if you are facing one of those.
I only wish I knew. But I won't. I am not going to ask.
I guess I will leave it like it is and hope tomorrow is better.
I miss you.

08 January 2012

16 and Pregnant on MTv

I am flipping channels and came across 16 and Pregnant show on MTv.

Kayla suffered from anorexia and now she is pregnant. She is having trouble with the weight issue.

I can (unfortunately) connect because I suffered from an eating disorder when I got pregnant.  I had been through anorexia and then bulimia.

I hated feeling fat when I wasn't pregnant. When I got pregnant, I had to eat. My husband (at the time) made sure I ate. I struggled. It killed me. I turned bulimic because I couldn't handle the weight gain.

It was hard. Having an eating disorder and being pregnant are a very tough combination!

The more of this I watch, the more I feel her struggle. I have been there, done that. It hurts. It's hard. I hated it. Food has always been a struggle.

This is seriously something that touches me and hits me hard. I totally understand. If you haven't been there, you can't even imagine how it feels.

I just really connected with her.

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07 January 2012

My Current Read

This book is awesome. I am one who has dealt with food issues. This book opened my eyes and made me realize that we all have situations we need to face.

If you get a chance, and have ever dealt with body image and weight issues, this book did it for me. I started reading it... and didn't put it down until I was finished. Jennifer Joyner's memoir is terrific.

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