Weather

Last night it snowed.

It's amazing how waking up to snow, with an overcast sky, can make a difference in your mood. A not so good difference...

This is my first winter with my new car, so it's like riding without training wheels for the first time.

Last night it snowed enough to be slippery. The salters didn't get out before I had to pick up my son from work so I was very cautious. Even a sheriff was wondering. Nope, no texting, no talking, not even any singing... Just watching the road and getting a feel for the new car. 

Too much stress... Burned me. It's amazing how concentrating so hard can make you melt down.

I was exhausted by the time I got home last night.

This morning it had kind of froze so stress day 2. Ugh. Not impressed.

Then woke up late, ran late, had to be in three places at once, doing 2 things at a time, keeping track of three people, and trying not to melt down... I did, tears fell... Quietly... Softly... I dried them as they fell so no one would notice.

I could use a hug about this time. Just to know that things will be alright.

E.D. Or D.E.?

I know I have issues with food. Wouldn't necessarily say I have an ED (eating disorder).... I have more of DE (disordered eating).... Which, in my opinion, are different!

Anyone lead out there fighting head demons?

Saturday

Today is a day that has been tough. I woke up feeling like hell. I'm not hungry. My weight is still down. I journal my food on line but there are days when I don't post because I don't want anyone to see what I ate because I know it's not enough. I know, in mind, what's right and wrong but it's tough to overcome. Today I was snacking on some lunch meat. Mom didn't say a word because she knew I hadn't eaten much so she didn't complain. I am mentally and emotionally torn... 

wind from your sails

Have you ever felt like things are going well but suddenly....woosh.... things are not what they seemed. Why is it that its more than okay for one person but not for someone else? Its amazing how seniority can cause the winds of change. I guess in business it happens. But really? I guess I can just sit quietly and mind my own business... but I will catch hell for that too.

Just stressed. Sorry. Had to vent!

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a dilemma

I have a close friend who decided to move out of her house and separate from her husband of 8 years. They have a 6 year old child.

She "needs her space" but there is s guy (who just got divorced) who is a lost puppy and had set his sights on her.

Problem is... he doesn't know when to stop, stay away, or listen. His presence is causing much awkwardness, along with tension from her husband, in front of their child.

I am close with her but I don't like how she's handling this whole situation since both herself and the guy are trying so hard to find something they feel has been missing.

I don't want to be s bitch, but its awkward.

I don't know what to do or say.

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grrrrrrrr

My day has totally sucked. I'm pissed and frustrated. Things went from bad to worse.

Want to crawl under the covers and hide.

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today

Today is name-dropping, talking loud, and talking on the phone with a mouthful of food.

Its very difficult for an obsessive compulsive to work for a micro manager.

Long day!!!!!

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blech!

One of those days. And one of those weeks. been under the weather since Thursday. Lots of things going through my head. Overwhelmed and exhausted. Mentally burnt. Feeling lost. Want to talk to someone but no one to talk to send not sure what to say. Wish I could understand these feelings.

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long weekends... not for me...

Three day weekends are NOT my thing!

I am going crazy. I hate sitting still. I hate not being busy. Cooped up in the house, on a holiday, with no where to go. Aarrgghh!

I feel like my hands are tied and I don't like feeling this way. I want to work on homework, but mom is in the living room. Long story... abbreviated.... mom's house...so I feel bound with what I do and where I go. Anyway....

My mood today kind of sucks. I need to get things done, but its tough. There are so many things that feel "off" today.

I need to work on thinking positive and being upbeat. That is the only way I will get things to change.

Ask
Believe
Receive

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bad day

Eve had a day start good at 5am and by 7am my mind is racing and I want to die?

Its going to be bad today. Actually in 20 minutes it went down.... yelling screaming crying shaking.    I hate this feeling.

Fuck this! I want to quit!!!!

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this is hard

Im having a rough one today....lost alone stressed fat and overwhelmed. Its been a long time but feeling like making a cut would release the anxiety........

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mama claws come out

You can mess with me... but DO NOT... I repeat "Do not" mess with my son... or any other family. I might forgive... I do not forget... I might not get mad, but trust me... getting even might be on the horizon. I am a mom, I am protective, I am bullheaded... and I do not always play well with others... just saying...

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struggle

The past few days, since I've been back from my trip, I haven't slept well because my brain won't shut off. Its killing me!

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What to do?

Okay, down 60+ pounds. Hitting a plateau. Fighting it. Hating myself. Struggling. Stressing. Sad. Lost. Even a little unhappy.

Yesterday was rough

But today is better.
Thanks for your patience.

Damned if you do....

Okay, tomorrow they post the top 15 in each age group. I have come to realize...

Damned if I do... damned if I don't...

I am not holding my breath. I doubt if I will qualify.... which means I will need to get my ass in gear and do better next time. If I do, then I have to keep it up.... no slacking.

Pretty much screwed either way! DAMN!!!!

down 60 lbs

Since November, I'm down 60 pounds. I feel good. I need to keep it going. I have hit a plateau. I'm stressed. I need to lose more...

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My "new" phase and the struggles within

I have to admit that it's been 5 months since I started this "awakening" to become a better me... physically and mentally.

It's been tough. Physically, I have lost weight, I have cut down on the junk I'm eating, I have made valiant efforts to be at the gym regularly (including holidays).... Mentally, it's all a matter of mind over matter. I need to keep an eye on what I am doing and know what is right and wrong...

But I have to admit... I am struggling... every day I find myself battling my past demons. The demons of my ED, the demons of mind over matter, the demons of what I need to do. It hurts and it's a struggle.

I thought I had this licked, but not completely... obviously. I am enjoying this new part of me.

I just wanted to admit it.... I will post more later.

I hate the scale!!!!

I got on the scale this morning. Sucked! I hate the scale and everything it entails. I am starting Sensa today and figured I would weigh myself. Now I am freaking depressed! I knew I have felt like shit, but now I totally feel like it!

The Hardest Thing I Ever Did…

It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I had to do a very difficult thing.

After over six years at my job, and making many friends, I decided it was time to give my notice and move on to bigger and better things.

I grew so close to those in my world, my friends, my coworkers, my confidants, my support system. I felt so close to everyone and there were times when they were there to support me when my world seemed to drop down. I felt so close to them, but things had changed. I started feel more threatened, in my own mind, and left hung out to dry, that I felt it was time to do something because the miserableness I felt started to never let up. I even had to have my medicines regulated to add an additional depression med, to bring me out of days that seemed to truly take the lift out of me. It was hard getting to that point and difficult to function when feeling that way. I would spend hours at work and then be so beat by the time I got home that I could barely function, not to mention, I couldn't sleep because my mind wouldn't shut down. It was all adding up... in the negative. It has been a while and I had been looking for other options, but nothing would show up. I continued to live with my stress and anxiety, hoping that something would come along. I lived my life and continued to do what needed to be done. 

Finally, all things suddenly happened and my world changed in a matter of a week. From 0 to 60 in the blink of an eye. It moved so fast and I caught the ride. I took it on. Something new, something exciting. I gave my notice, stressed myself out, cried myself to sleep, worried, wondered, doubted myself, questioned my ability to handle change, and all the other anxiety-based actions.

This past week was my first week in my new routine. So many changes, so many differences. I made it through the week, it was great. Several people told me I seemed more happy and less stressed. I was smiling, I enjoyed going in, I didn't stress too much about the new stuff because they are training me.

The most difficult thing I had to do was make the decision to start a new chapter in my life, at age 42, as a single full-time mom, while going back to school to get my Bachelor's Degree.

I hate change.... hate it, hate it, hate it. Nope, can't make me... uh uh... no way...  but I did it. I sucked it up and did it... and lived!

And am finally happy!!!!!!