16 November 2014


Last night it snowed.

It's amazing how waking up to snow, with an overcast sky, can make a difference in your mood. A not so good difference...

This is my first winter with my new car, so it's like riding without training wheels for the first time.

Last night it snowed enough to be slippery. The salters didn't get out before I had to pick up my son from work so I was very cautious. Even a sheriff was wondering. Nope, no texting, no talking, not even any singing... Just watching the road and getting a feel for the new car. 

Too much stress... Burned me. It's amazing how concentrating so hard can make you melt down.

I was exhausted by the time I got home last night.

This morning it had kind of froze so stress day 2. Ugh. Not impressed.

Then woke up late, ran late, had to be in three places at once, doing 2 things at a time, keeping track of three people, and trying not to melt down... I did, tears fell... Quietly... Softly... I dried them as they fell so no one would notice.

I could use a hug about this time. Just to know that things will be alright.

11 November 2014

Special someone

He came into my life around 7 years ago.

We met online and hit it off.

He is someone very special and makes me feel complete.

Have you ever had someone like that in your life?

When you find someone who makes you feel complete, cherish them and enjoy every moment.

07 November 2014


Went to work out tonight.

There is a guy there who is a sweetheart... And cute.

When I left, he asked if I'd be there tomorrow. I told him "no but maybe Monday". He then replied with "Tuesday. See you Tuesday".

Sweet!!! Made my night!!!!! 😋

06 November 2014

Fat day clothes

Woke up feeling bloated. Which is soooo not cool.

Wearing my "fat day" clothes.

Anyone else have those?

04 November 2014

Things Mama Always Taught Me...


DO NOT discuss MONEY


Apparently people have forgotten that.
I haven't, so don't ask me....

31 October 2014

Happy Halloween

It's Friday, October 31.....



28 October 2014

Rough start

Today is my bday and I should be happy, but I feel meh. I don't like birthdays, I don't like dreary weather, and the holidays get me down. I'm in a funk and just want to go back to bed. I don't want to deal with anyone. I am truly not feeling happy and I want to cry.
I know I need to suck it up and put on my game face but I am so not in the mood.
Today is going to be a long day. Maybe everyone will leave me alone.

27 October 2014

Too much at one time

Feel like hell
weather has changed and feels dreary
Dark in the morning
My birthday
All alone
Feel fat
Feel sad
Suffer from OCD and anxiety
Introvert who overextends myself
Hard on myself
Can't keep doing this
Something's gotta give...

New Weather ... Old Demons

I love autumn. My favorite season. So pretty. So fresh. So crisp.

But my depression seems to act up about the same time. It's great outside but I get lost in my own mind. Trapped. A victim. 

I'm struggling with this right now.

22 October 2014

That one person

Ever had that one person in your life who turns you on?

They make you laugh and smile. With them, you step outside your comfort zone, knowing you're safe.

They bring out a side of you that people don't expect... Or maybe understand.

20 October 2014

Pencil thin Barbie dolls

My family is made up of pencil-thin, pretty Barbie dolls. They have had two kids and four kids. And they are still a size 4-6. What's up with that?

It's depressing. So they are pretty... And thin... Have nice houses... And are happily married.

How do they stay so thin? I an envious of them and how they look.

If only I could be even thin and pretty...

Work and Marriage

How do you work with your spouse when you are separated?

It just seems like it would be tough. 

I guess it is possible unless you are the only two employees. In my ex-husband's case.... That was us. It was us... And it was hard enough when we were married.

I know a couple going through it right now... They work in different departments but the interaction between the two represented departments can be either all or nothing... Depending.

She is fairly high maintenance. She would rather socialize than do actual work. She would be better as a volunteer doing socialization than doing her job.

It's frustrating. I can see why companies frown on hiring couples.... Since there are more separated and divorced than getting along. No need to add more stress and drama to the workplace!

I guess we will see but I don't think it's going to work. She does not do her job, she loves to socialize, she likes being around the guys in the department, and her dress is less than professional.

If only we can see where it's going to go... 

This should be interesting...

15 October 2014

Bad day

My day has been rough
Not really happy
Want to disappear
How about another glass of wine
Hate myself
Not happy

07 September 2014


Right now I'm struggling and really do hate myself. I am in a funk and can't shake it. I am a miserable piece of shit and want to disappear!!!

26 August 2014

Hitting this fall hard

Never did anything but one of the walks for breast cancer. Just did a 5k mud run (kinda). And have signed up for 2 more 5k walks, a 10k, and next years 5k mud run.

My trainer went off to school so I am on my own. Need to get my ass in gear and JUST DO IT!!!!

24 August 2014

Makeup and dress up

I have a dinner to attend tonight. I'm dressed up (new dress), with makeup , my hair is down, and I got dressed, feeling pretty.

In the last hour, I suddenly don't feel as pretty. I look at myself in the mirror and am not happy with who I am. I feel like I suddenly am fat and ugly. I'm alone DND sad.

I hard events where I feel alone. All by myself.

All alone... And ugly....

12 August 2014

Me and Food

I am hungry, but that is normal.

I look in the fridge.... We have a fridge (and freezer) full of food, but I can't bring myself to eat it.

It's not bad for me... It's just that I can't mentally get past calories, fat, and carbs. 

I feel as though I'm going back to a bad place with my eating habits. I can't get out of my own head.

I hate how this feels... And these demons have a strong hold on me. I can't seem to shake them.

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.

10 August 2014

E.D. Or D.E.?

I know I have issues with food. Wouldn't necessarily say I have an ED (eating disorder).... I have more of DE (disordered eating).... Which, in my opinion, are different!

Anyone lead out there fighting head demons?

23 July 2014

It's strange...

I dyed my hair... She died her hair

I am going back to school and earned my degree and and recognition... She decided to go back to school.,,

I work with a personal trainer at the gym... She started working with a trainer at her gym...

Is this just wierd or what?

16 June 2014


I look at photos of pretty girls. I look at photos of toned and muscular females. I look at women in bikinis.

I wish I could look like them. I hate how I look. I am not pretty or sexy.

I feel like a piece of shit.


15 June 2014


Holidays of any type are hard.
Next week will he 5 years since I list my brother. Today is Father's Day and I miss my dad  my ex has left my sons life so he doesn't get Father's Day. 
I look at photos of pretty, thin, sexy women and feel so entirely fat, ugly and disgusting. I want to disappear. I hate how I feel. I wish I could find happiness but I am struggling so hard.

07 June 2014

Body image

If you look at those I follow on Instagram, it's a lot if fitness and things like that.

I look at the photos and wish I could look like them. I wish I could be sexy. I wish I could be happy.

I am having struggles right now.

01 June 2014

Mentally stressed

I keep looking at photos of thin, pretty women and wishing I could look like them. I want to be thin and pretty, or at least thought of as kinda sexy. I wish I had someone to hold me and cuddle with me, but I'm having no luck. I'm depressed and lonely. My sister is coming up town and I haven't seen her for a couple years. I have lost a considerable amount of weight since I saw her last, but I am not where I wish I was. I need to lose more weight. I am not thin enough or pretty enough. I am so upset with myself right now. I feel fat and ugly, homely and alone. What is wrong with me?

06 May 2014

Hitting a wall

Mentally i am done.

I have hit the brick wall and am stuck.

Today is so... So.... UGH!!

05 March 2014


My eating habits suck! I haven't been eating much. I'm to the point where I'm not hungry. I do have a headache and my calorie count is down. I just am not hungry.

I don't like this feeling. 

18 February 2014

Swim suit season?

I received my first swimming suit catalog in the mail today. Granted, we have been in perpetual frozen tundra since December. Today we hit 40, saw the sun, and I got a catalog for swimming suits.... From Victorias Secret.

Guess I have to get my act in gear.

01 February 2014

Doing things

We all do things for a reason. Some times they are for good reason, some times for bad, some times for benefit, some time for spite. I have found that I do things because, in my mind, they make sense and I can justify them. But in the big picture... They aren't really WRONG or BAD... They just might not be the best choices at the moment or for the situation. I don't see anything with them but others might feel my choices are not the smartest. If they understood the situation or even my thinking, they might see it differently, but they might not. Every thing is different, every day is different, everything has a different purpose and meaning. Consider the thoughts before jumping to conclusions.


Today is a day that has been tough. I woke up feeling like hell. I'm not hungry. My weight is still down. I journal my food on line but there are days when I don't post because I don't want anyone to see what I ate because I know it's not enough. I know, in mind, what's right and wrong but it's tough to overcome. Today I was snacking on some lunch meat. Mom didn't say a word because she knew I hadn't eaten much so she didn't complain. I am mentally and emotionally torn... 

31 January 2014


I know I don't feel good because I really haven't eaten much.... But I haven't eatenuch because I don't feel good.


I m losing weight, which is good. That's my goal but I feel exhausted and my mood is really kinda low. Just not happy with everything and part of me doesn't feel like it cares. I hate this cold dreary weather too. It messes me up too. Thank goodness it's Friday. Tomorrow I can sleep in.... Wish me luck on that... Body will be awake by 6am. Oh well.

22 January 2014

Struggle today

I'm pacing and my mind is wandering.

This morning my son called me out on the calories I watch and that he is aware that I don't eat enough.

It's been hard. I am mentally struggling with do much right now. I don't feel good and that doesn't help.

I know I will be fine but I am having issues internally.

My mom called me out on the calories the other day and today my son did the same thing.

I don't feel like I'm starving but my family does. I wish I could understand all these feelings.

18 January 2014

Battling food again

Have a down slide. Not really hungry, don't feel like eating, even my mom is on my case. Not up to eating. Know I should but just not for it. Feeling fat. Although I am still down 50+ lbs since November 2012, I feel the need to lose more because I feel fat and depressed. Been battling a sinus infection so it's been hard to work out so I am missing the gym. I need to get back at it....
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