31 March 2008

What Next?????

I woke with a knot in my neck/shoulder the size of a grapefruit. How many people wake up in the morning with a stress knot????

I feel fat and ugly. As if that has been anything unusual lately.

I have my class reunion coming up. Nothing like feeling like a failure... still.

The guy in my life has gone MIA and has left me in the air, unsure of what's going on.

What's gonna happen next????

20 March 2008

Lost, Love, Destiny, and Sadness

My life was on a path, sad but straight, yet alone. I would live each day and do what needed to be done, nothing special, nothing unusual, just the norm.

One day, it seems that destiny intervened and found me. He was a special guy with a big heart. He could make me smile and laugh, we could hold hands and talk, we could cuddle and not say a word. I believe in destiny and the power it holds. I would not have gone looking for this and did not expect to ever feel this way.

I am in love and my heart loves him. We share so much and feel the same, but right now there seems to be potholes. I am sad and lonely - he is busy and works hard. For so many years, he has only lived his own life and has never had anyone to share with, no one to spend time with, no one who would be there for him.

I understand that because I went a long time the same way. Sometimes it's easier to shut everyone out, to avoid being hurt and having to worry about others. Especially if you've been hurt before. You let someone in, trust them, get close, and then they bail when they can't handle the world you live in. When they don't come first, they leave. They only look at themselves as being the victims, they don't see what is going on in the other's life - they are selfish and don't want to see that.

I want to tell him I care and love him. I am going to be there for him, waiting, with open arms. I the beginning, we discussed this and I chose to accept this - and I won't turn back, I don't want to turn back, I can't turn back - I care too much, which seems to be why I am so sad and lonely right now.

18 March 2008

I Hate Feeling This Way

I know I just made a post, but my head is pounding, my eyes hurt from crying, my heart aches and I am miserable.

I want to eat - I want to sit down and gorge myself, feeling that the reason that life sucks is because I am not pretty, not a model, not sexy, not worthy of anyone or anything. The only thing I AM worthy of is being miserable, lost and alone.

Maybe eating is wrong - maybe I should see how long I can go without eating. I don't need food. I don't need to eat. I am depressed and still want to die. Maybe starving myself would be a good idea...


I am sitting here, with tears in my eyes, not sure which end is up right now.

I want to ask questions, but I'm scare to death of the answers. I want to know, but I don't. I am so afraid I can't handle it. I am so scared and worried. This is making me sick and I want to die.

I can't handle being hurt - I would rather die than be hurt again.

What have I done? Why me? Is it just that I deserve this? Am I a bad person?

07 March 2008

I'm Losing Control and I Can't Recover...

Have you ever had a series of days, where things seemed to go from good, to bad, leveling off occasionally in between, to catch your breath, before it seems to keep going downhill?

This week has been bad for me. It was a rough start - stressed from day one. Things progressively seemed to get worse... which made me start to get sick... so now add stress, lack of sleep and feeling like shit together and the incline gets steeper.

I got a call from school and my child is getting worse with past due assignments and I can't seem to reason with him or deal with him. I am so confused.

Then, my boyfriend has been so busy with work, being sick, and traveling, that I haven't seem him for forever. Then my mind starts to crank and I wonder if he's ignoring me... does he have someone else... did I do something wrong... or am I just letting my mind play tricks on me? He has promised that he would tell me if something is said or done wrong and I believe him. He is busy... and for so many years, he has been alone, with no one to be accountable to, that me being in his life slips his mind. I know, in my heart that nothing is wrong, but my head is pounding and the world is spinning.

On my way home from work, I couldn't help but wonder how to make this pain stop. Drink until I pass out? Just give up and say goodbye? End it all to end the stress? Would anyone miss me? Would they even notice? Would they even care?

I can't seem to shake this overwhelmingly scary feeling going through me...
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