10 December 2007
Please, before you make promises, think about if you can keep them... if you can't, then don't, if something comes up, please show courtesy... or Just Don't Bother! I don't need this disappointment... I have enough in my life... I don't need you to let me down too!
16 November 2007
I will trust people until they give me a reason not to and this is one person who has just blown the trust factor right out. She has turned things around to sound like she should have done the job because everyone wanted her to, not that someone asked why she wasn't the one doing it... Oh well, but just remember, the best person for the job gets the job done....
23 October 2007
17 October 2007
Anyway - I live my life day to day, in a calm level state... I try not to get too excited because I come down way too hard.
This past weekend was exciting and I had a blast - I seemed to float on cloud 9 for hours, but then my mind started cranking and I started assuming the worst... even the logical didn't make sense. I assumed the worst, assumed it was me, assumed it was my fault, figured it was too good to be true and somehow, I totally fucked things up. I didn't come down slowly - I plummeted down - to the concrete below, where I am laying now, in a messy pile, too exhausted and depressed to want to pull myself together.
I hate feeling like this. Maybe it's easier to stay a messy pile of goo on the ground than fear falling so fast and hard again. Maybe that's why I try to not be too happy...
I want to cry... I hate feeling like this...
16 October 2007
13 September 2007
Okay, I so feel miserable enough as it is... and then this... and then I am standing up in a wedding in a few weeks... oh, life sucks right now!
24 August 2007
It started yesterday when I felt like I was still buried alive and really wasn't sure which direction to go in, as everything has a priority and everything needs to be done yesterday.
I go to bed at night thinking about everything I need to do, my mind won't shut down thinking of everything that is waiting for me, and then I walk in in the morning and hit the sea of "stuff" with no idea what to do first. I need to do everything, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to do a damn thing!!!!!
15 August 2007
We had a wellness meeting and they took all the bad things... weight, height, body fat, BMI, you name it... all those things that the people with eating disorders despise.
Well, my day went to hell in a handbasket at that point... I did go down in weight... yippee skippee!!!! That's good... right? But then they said my BMI is less than 30 - so I am still "clinically" overweight. But then there is the ever popular Body Fat!!! The scale says I'm 42%, the book says I should be 33%, so I am now... "clinically obese"... If the overweight wasn't bad enough, the obese thing has just kicked my ass......
27 July 2007
I hate the feeling of not knowing...
24 July 2007
My blood sugar has been running really low... because I haven't been eating enough... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat...so I don't really eat...
My iron count has dropped to a low and I have been drained with a major headache for 3 days and it has a lot to do with not eating right... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't really eat.
I can wear short skirts and show off my body... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I change to something big and baggy.
I am so hungry and really need to eat because my body feels like I have been hit by a semi... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't...
23 July 2007
I am a people-watcher. I am very self-conscious of what I wear and how I look. If I feel I look fat or the clothes look too tight, or whatever, I change. If I am uncomfortable, I won’t wear it. It may also depend on my mood. And then there are some places that certain outfits are not appropriate.
But then there are people out there who wear things that I would not be caught dead in, unless I knew I could pull it off… kinda like a “what not to wear” episode.
There is one person in our office who tries to wear things that she SHOULD NOT wear – she doesn’t have the body or the grace to wear some of these outfits.
Recently she wore an outfit that concerns me… her body is not proportioned and she has little or no grace. Her body is “thick” and some outfits don’t do it for her… she actually looks trampy.
Her legs are short and thick, she has no muscle tone, she is pasty white and the dress she is wearing only comes down about 6 inches below her butt. She doesn’t wear panty hose, she wears sloppy flats (or goes barefoot), and the dress is a bright color, which draws more attention to the “not to wear” part. She sounds like a horse walking down the hall, especially when she is barefoot. And then she flops in her chair and rattles the whole place. Taking no concern to her dress being too short to do that.
Obviously gracefulness is not in her vocabulary… and neither is professionalism.
She always looks like she has just rolled out of bed or she got dressed in the dark.If you don’t have the body, some outfits were not meant to be worn… especially in public!!!!!
13 July 2007
He is a great guy, but has problems being responsible. Since he has moved in, he has changed jobs at least 5 times (because he doesn't like them), driven them deeply into financial debt, and has assisted her in gaining back every pound she has ever lost (and more). Now they look like each other, heavy-set and dependent on each other.
They still insist, even in their financial state, of going to the bar several nights a week, eating out frequently, and buying more things they don't truly need. I don't know if they realize that they need to pay back what they use the credit cards for?
Anyway, they are getting married and, from knowing her all these years, she wants someone in her life to help her not be alone. She is not good at being alone and I think that is why she is doing this. She just needs to have someone there. This wedding they are planning is extravagant and way over the top (and they are paying for it?????). The wedding party has to travel out of town and spend 3 nights in a hotel.
My problem is that she asked me to help, which is fine, but she has gotten an attitude with me because I don't have free time to be there when she needs me. I have a full-time job and work 11 hours a day. I have a family and I have responsibilities to them. I don't sit at home waiting for her to call and she is unhappy that I don't have a free schedule.
Part of me is so angry with her "mightier than tho" attitude, that I really would like to tell her to stick it in her ear, but I can't . Too bad she doesn't understand...
07 June 2007
There is this very special man who has come into my life and he is my best friend, my confidant, and even more... but with the situation we have and the situations we are in, this is probably considered wrong.
I understand that maybe our current situations are us being (temporarily) in the wrong place at the wrong time... and soon everything will be right, but for now... it still feels so right.
08 May 2007
My problem is - he is married. No biggie... it's not that kinda "friendship". Him & I can talk and laugh about obscure things and, right now, his marriage is one of spite - his wife has threatened him if he leaves her, so he needs someone to talk to and I am apparently it. Which is fine - I'm a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. If he's comfortable talking to me - so be it.
Actually, the problem has nothing to do with his wife - it's his wife's friend (Tracy). She doesn't have many guy friends and she has been married for 15 years... during which her and her husband were the only ones - neither of them had dated others, they have even separated and gotten back together.
I would rather be friends with guys because they are not so judgemental and backstabbing - if they have a problem, they will say it to your face, not get an attitude.
ANYWAY... Tracy seems to get upset or jealous when Steve and I talk. I can tell by her attitude that she is having issues, and it bothers me because I am not doing anything wrong, but she is nasty when she is in that mood and I don't even bother. But it hurts me... Steve doesn't seem too concerned because he keeps in contact with me and we are still good friends.
I wonder if Tracy's mad at me, or if she's just jealous that I am "one of the guys" who doesn't get offended by sexual jokes, blonde jokes, inappropriate statements or comments... and she is just left to be in her own little world. The guys I hang out with are great - they buy me lunch, call me sweetheart, tell me I'm pretty, compliment me, include me, and all those things.
Is it possible that someone could actually be jealous of what I have?
And why should it concern her? It's not her life? In most cases, this whole thing wouldn't faze me, but her attitude is what throws me off guard.
15 April 2007
12 April 2007
24 March 2007
Mine, that I can think of right now, are:
* I have to eat all the curled over potato/nacho chips first - the folded over ones taste better
* Snickers bars - have to eat the nougat first and save the peanuts and caramel for last
* Jelly Beans - I pick through the whole bag and eat all the yellows first
* Jujifruit candies - eat all the yellow and red first, throw out the black
* Little Debbie Peanut Butter bars - separate the layers and eat them individually
* I have to have a right and left sock...
* If I get my socks on and feel a fuzzy, I have to take it out - can't live with a fuzzy in my sock.
Let's see, anything else?
12 March 2007
I needed to vent and get this off my chest before I stress myself out and totally lose it!!!!
It's none of her business!!!!!!! And it'll really piss me off if the other person feels the need to answer her because, being a manager, that's BAD!!!!!
03 February 2007
I am a single full-time mom, who works full time. I would like to have a life. I would like to find happiness. I would like to have enough time to myself to take a hot bubble bath without someone pounding on the door...
But it just isn't happening. I am happy with my life, as it is the one I chose. I divorced my ex because he was irresponsible and abusive. At that point, I figured, if I was going to be a single mom, I would do it myself!!!!
Anyway, where this is all coming from is that I just received an email from a friend who is upset with me because I don't have time for them. They are single, never-married, no children, and just one job.
This has upset me because, unless you have been in my shoes (or any single parent who works full time), you have no right or possible reason to feel the desire to judge who I am or what I am doing. As I have always said, to my friends and to my child, that my family and job comes first. My theory is that either you accept it and deal with it or get the hell away from me.
I am angry that a "friend" would turn on me like that, but then again, maybe they weren't really a friend to begin with. I am happy with the ones who seem to stand by me and feel I have come along way. I also have several that are married with kids who tell me that they admire me for all I do, because it's not easy.
I know I have many people who tell me how good I am doing and how strong of a person I am, but one person with a bad attitude really took the wind out of my sails... I can only try... My child is mine forever. I guess friends come and go... but true friends are there through thick and thin. I have so many true friends and I love them for being here for me.
My child has been sick with the cold that is going around, so he has been coughing, with a sore throat. I am still working full-time, and fighting the cold also. For the past week, I have worked all day and then come home to a hot bath and went to bed. I have probably slept more this past week than I normally do in a month. I am still fighting it, but people are starting to wonder if I still exist. Between work and sleep, I haven't even had the energy to log into the computer. I would come home, turn it on, lay down, doze off, get up, turn it off, and go back to bed.
This past week and a half have totally sucked... I can't wait until everyone is feeling better again...
19 January 2007
I have gone back to the doctor this week and things are piling up. Several years ago, I started seeing a doctor because my esteem was lower than dirt. As I started to build that back up, she moved me to a doctor to work more indepth - way back when, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (one of the worst levels), anxiety disorder, and OCD. I have been working on taming those skeletons in my closet, but do not seem to be succeeding. With the meds and the diagnosis, I am also compounding my eating disorder (which never went away), my occasional cutting, and my lower than low self-esteem.
Each day I have been struggling - I don't eat, some days I just want to sleep, my mind tells me that people are against me, everything that goes wrong is my fault, I can't do anything right... The past month has been hard for me and I truly appreciate the people that give me their input and insite...
I just felt it was time to be open and honest about the demons that I face everyday from sun up to sun down... Thank you.