Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.

There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

What happened?

Do you have any idea what you are doing to me? To my mind? To my heart?

We used to have the best between us. I was under the impression that we still do but you make me feel like shit. You walk by me without speaking. You don't include me in conversations. And the list goes on. I wish you could see what you are doing to me. You have no idea how I interpret this. I already have a body image that is down the tubes and then, when you seem to not see me, I feel like hell. I feel like I am no longer pretty or attractive. I don't feel like you miss me when we are apart. Do you still think about me? Do you still miss me? You tell me you do, but how true are you? Why do I not believe you? You have crushed my heart and messed up my brain. I thought I was someone but when you suddenly change your attitude, it hits me right in the heart. I feel even fatter, uglier, lonlier, depressed. You don't understand that, what I have suffered with every day of my life, comes back to haunt me with each of these motions you make. You can't seem to see that you are tearing me apart and tearing everything about me apart. I don't feel like I can ever trust what people, or do. I can only say that they are fronts, to keep from hurting my feelings.

Another day... another Catch 22

Sunday, I got kinda "dolled up". I actually put makeup on (yes, I do own it). My son told me I was pretty. Yesterday, I got dressed, felt I looked nice, did my hair, put on makeup, and went to work. The one person I hoped would notice did not say a thing. He had time to stop and talk with everyone else, but me. So, I guess even though I thought that I felt pretty, obviously no one else thought so. So today, screw it. I didn't put on makeup, I dressed nice and pulled my hair back, but no makeup. After yesterday, makeup wouldn't even help me feel pretty today. I get so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel that way. Maybe I wasn't meant to be pretty.

Stacy and Clinton - I can't help but love them.

Last night was no different. I was flipping through channels because there was NOTHING on! I found WNTW and was stuck. The episode I caught was about a mom who was so busy doing everything for everyone else, that she did not take the time or effort to do something for herself. Some of her outfits, and many of her reasons and statements hit notes within me. I understand how she felt and understood why she did what she did... I find myself doing the same thing. I can only feel better, knowing that I am not alone, especially with the mom thing, and the esteem thing, and the busy thing, and the not taking time for me thing. I watched all the rest of the episodes. They touched something in me.

fat and depressed

Yep, another day feeling like this. Today's episode was brought on while sitting in church. She was so thin and muscular. I wish I could look like her. Yes, she does have a smaller frame than me... and she is shorter.... she is a runner... and she is younger... but I would love to have a body like hers. I am depressed.

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