30 November 2011

Working out

I went to the gym after work. I had to clear my mind. My son didn't join me, so it was my "me" time. I put my earbuds in and did the treadmill, bike, and some weights. I feel relieved. Last night I was going thru another "down" period. I have hated so much about myself lately. I need to start working out more, it feels good. I will sleep good tonight.

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Stacy and Clinton - I can't help but love them.
Last night was no different. I was flipping through channels because there was NOTHING on! I found WNTW and was stuck. The episode I caught was about a mom who was so busy doing everything for everyone else, that she did not take the time or effort to do something for herself. Some of her outfits, and many of her reasons and statements hit notes within me. I understand how she felt and understood why she did what she did... I find myself doing the same thing. I can only feel better, knowing that I am not alone, especially with the mom thing, and the esteem thing, and the busy thing, and the not taking time for me thing. I watched all the rest of the episodes. They touched something in me.

Wordless Wednesday 11.30.11

Annoying Mommies

Annoying Mommies

This is an awesome post by a fellow blogger.
Check her out.

28 November 2011

The holidays are hard - I am a survivor - I need to confess

The amount of stress I deal with in my daily life is enough to send me over the edge some days.

It is times like this that my eating disorders and depression get the best of me. During the holidays, there is always so much food. That is how our family is... food, food, food... Yes, some may be healthy, but none is that good for you, in excess.

I live in this spiral. My family has always been heavy and, as a child, I can still remember my mom and dad both telling me, point blank, "if you keep eating like that, you are going to look like a horse". Okay, that those were my first memories of feeling that way.

I then dated a guy who, to be honest, was my first boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah, what little did I know was how toxic that would be for me. He worked in a bar, with another female. She was large and thought she was "all that".

I started working out because I was afraid that I would lose him to her if I got fat. I worked out religiously and even cut my eating down to 1500 calories (or less) per day, with no more than 10 grams of fat. If I couldn't count it, I didn't eat it. I did it, I lost weight. I felt like I looked absolutely fabulous. I got attention and felt "pretty", for the first time in my life.

Everybody in my family even thought I looked good. I worked so hard to be this way.

My mom was proud of me and so was my family, until they realized how I was doing it. I was anorexic. My world was in a different spin and it is so hard to break free.

There is so much more to this story that it is hard to include all the details, but I think the thing that pushed me to living in this world of darkness was that after he was protective and suspicious of me all the time, thinking I was going out on him, and doing things I shouldn't... it was him... he had been cheating on me... with the girl from the bar... who was, like, twice my size. What the hell am I missing here?

He will never know that what he did to me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally will always be the main root of what happens in my mind today.

I don't go a day without looking at myself and hating myself.

No one can understand how something that seems to simple can be so toxic, and possibly deadly.

I have been down this road (many, many times) and down several other roads, which I will share over time. I will share this, not only to help others, but to help get myself through the destructive behavior I experience over the holidays. These destructive ways do not stop at anorexia... it leads into bulimia, and even more extreme, such a cutting.

The stress and anxiety of the holidays cause many of us to suffer over and over...



25 November 2011

The last day & a half

Okay, so I have wanted to do blog updates and bring over my "other" blogs from a different platform. I have not been up to it. I have been busy with work and school. By the time I get home, I am wiped!!

Since yesterday morning, I have done more on my blogs in a day and a half than in the past 2 weeks. The best laid plans always take forever to accomplish. And, for me... with my lack of spare time... the word "forever" is probably pretty literal!

But I've done it - I have made progress! I am so excited...

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving... and didn't spend too much money on Black Friday.

24 November 2011

Something to call my own

I am a mom and I work hard. I don't take time for myself and don't do anything for me. Writing is my outlet, writing is my escape, my expression. I created my blog to keep me sane. I write for me and write about me. It is something for me. This is my time, to empty my mind, and express myself.

It's all about me!

Can you believe?

I started this blog back in 2006. It has been so long. It hasn't been until recently that I have actually gotten more info blogging, but it's fun, I have meet new people, and I have found there are a lot of us out in this world that are very similar.

23 November 2011

I am SUCH a dork!

This whole situation for finally getting my badge made (& working) has left me incredibly happy.

The small things in life make me happy. Yup, I'm a DORK!

OMG!!! I am sooooo flippin' happy!

Can you believe it?
After, like, 2 years of fighting with these stupid blog badges...
I FINALLY got mine to work! Check it dudes!!!! AWESOME!!!

Tere’s World

Wordless Wednesday - Sedona, AZ

22 November 2011


Why do we name our children and pets formal names and then only use their nicknames to talk to them... unless they are in trouble?

Body episode

Maybe it's the holidays, maybe its the weather but the past two days I am heading to body-funk central.

I hate how I look. I hate how I feel. Clothes don't feel right. I'm sad. I think I'm fat. I think I'm ugly. And yet the list goes on.

Its hard to snap out of this, but it depresses me even more to feel this way.

Random Thought...

I love crinkle cut fries...
and I love ketchup...

Do I eat the fries, so I can have the ketchup?
Or do I have the ketchup, so I can have fries?


21 November 2011

Surviving is hard

There are so many types of surviving. Physical,  mental, emotional... abusive... self-destructive... it's out there... it is real... and everyone lives with some type. Me... it was more than I care to remember... physical, mental, verbal, self-inflicted. No one can even come close to understanding if they haven't been there. I guess the hardest is self-inflicted because it's you... against yourself. Trust me, I know... I still fight those enemies everyday!

Meet me on Monday 11.21.11


1.  I wish I had more time to _________? myself
2.  What is your favorite kind of soup? Tomato Soup (with grilled cheese sandwiches)

3.  Where will you eat Thanksgiving dinner? At home
4.  What is your favorite time of day? morning

5.  Did you start Christmas shopping yet? nope

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