02 September 2008


You ask me to help. I do the job, I take pride in it. The next time it needs to be done, you ask someone else... you never said I did anything wrong, and never told me I was bad at it, but when you decide to let someone else do it, that bothers me, I feel like shit. But I guess what really takes the cake is when you then tell me to talk to that person and offer my assistance.

I DON'T think so!

16 August 2008

Here I am and I look around..

I look around at where I am and realize that I am unhappy.

Where I am now, I am alone and feeling very much the same way. As I walk into this house, I see two people who love each other and so much around them. I feel like, from what I can see, they live in a perfect world. They are both "pretty" and so damn perfect, it makes me sick. I would give anything some days to be this way.

Instead I see myself as fat, ugly, alone, miserable, and not one of the pretty, and lucky people.

Have you ever known people who seem to just have things land in their laps? I do, but not me... I am not one of the lucky few. I seem to have to work my ass off for what I have and still feel like a miserable piece of shit.

I am sad and lonely... just need to talk... no one else to turn to when I need to cry or vent... just me...

11 August 2008

Okay - It's been a while, but time to vent

I guess I just don't understand. Maybe I am just too sensitive, maybe I just care too much, maybe I just take too much to heart.

I just feel like I am taken for granted and taken advantage of. It seems like I can be trusted with so much, but when it comes to something that is so "secure", I don't have access, but it seems like everyone else around me does... although no one is supposed to. The worst part is that they won't do anything about it, but so many people continue to rub it in that I don't have access.

I guess maybe I am not worth it, not trusting enough, or they just don't care. Why do I? Why does it bother me so damn much? It totally pisses me off - and makes me feel like shit!

11 June 2008

I just have to vent - Sorry

I work with this girl, Jill. She seems to believe she is mightier than thou and that basic jobs are beneath her. She doesn't like to answer the phone, she can't seem to multi-task, she doesn't handle stress well, she doesn't know how to prioritize. Everyone else suffers because of her "mightier than thou" attitude. And then she has the guts to tell people off-site that she is overworked and needs help. She doesn't understand that by trashing her co-workers, she is making us look like shit. She is one of those that seems to need to be validated. She needs people to be there to hold her hand and help her because she won't take the responsibility when something goes wrong... and in words... SHE doesn't make any mistakes... she has found ways to blame everyone else... She even blames her parents for how she raises her own kids. WHATEVER!!!!!!

Had to vent, feel better, thank you.

31 March 2008

What Next?????

I woke with a knot in my neck/shoulder the size of a grapefruit. How many people wake up in the morning with a stress knot????

I feel fat and ugly. As if that has been anything unusual lately.

I have my class reunion coming up. Nothing like feeling like a failure... still.

The guy in my life has gone MIA and has left me in the air, unsure of what's going on.

What's gonna happen next????

20 March 2008

Lost, Love, Destiny, and Sadness

My life was on a path, sad but straight, yet alone. I would live each day and do what needed to be done, nothing special, nothing unusual, just the norm.

One day, it seems that destiny intervened and found me. He was a special guy with a big heart. He could make me smile and laugh, we could hold hands and talk, we could cuddle and not say a word. I believe in destiny and the power it holds. I would not have gone looking for this and did not expect to ever feel this way.

I am in love and my heart loves him. We share so much and feel the same, but right now there seems to be potholes. I am sad and lonely - he is busy and works hard. For so many years, he has only lived his own life and has never had anyone to share with, no one to spend time with, no one who would be there for him.

I understand that because I went a long time the same way. Sometimes it's easier to shut everyone out, to avoid being hurt and having to worry about others. Especially if you've been hurt before. You let someone in, trust them, get close, and then they bail when they can't handle the world you live in. When they don't come first, they leave. They only look at themselves as being the victims, they don't see what is going on in the other's life - they are selfish and don't want to see that.

I want to tell him I care and love him. I am going to be there for him, waiting, with open arms. I the beginning, we discussed this and I chose to accept this - and I won't turn back, I don't want to turn back, I can't turn back - I care too much, which seems to be why I am so sad and lonely right now.

18 March 2008

I Hate Feeling This Way

I know I just made a post, but my head is pounding, my eyes hurt from crying, my heart aches and I am miserable.

I want to eat - I want to sit down and gorge myself, feeling that the reason that life sucks is because I am not pretty, not a model, not sexy, not worthy of anyone or anything. The only thing I AM worthy of is being miserable, lost and alone.

Maybe eating is wrong - maybe I should see how long I can go without eating. I don't need food. I don't need to eat. I am depressed and still want to die. Maybe starving myself would be a good idea...


I am sitting here, with tears in my eyes, not sure which end is up right now.

I want to ask questions, but I'm scare to death of the answers. I want to know, but I don't. I am so afraid I can't handle it. I am so scared and worried. This is making me sick and I want to die.

I can't handle being hurt - I would rather die than be hurt again.

What have I done? Why me? Is it just that I deserve this? Am I a bad person?

07 March 2008

I'm Losing Control and I Can't Recover...

Have you ever had a series of days, where things seemed to go from good, to bad, leveling off occasionally in between, to catch your breath, before it seems to keep going downhill?

This week has been bad for me. It was a rough start - stressed from day one. Things progressively seemed to get worse... which made me start to get sick... so now add stress, lack of sleep and feeling like shit together and the incline gets steeper.

I got a call from school and my child is getting worse with past due assignments and I can't seem to reason with him or deal with him. I am so confused.

Then, my boyfriend has been so busy with work, being sick, and traveling, that I haven't seem him for forever. Then my mind starts to crank and I wonder if he's ignoring me... does he have someone else... did I do something wrong... or am I just letting my mind play tricks on me? He has promised that he would tell me if something is said or done wrong and I believe him. He is busy... and for so many years, he has been alone, with no one to be accountable to, that me being in his life slips his mind. I know, in my heart that nothing is wrong, but my head is pounding and the world is spinning.

On my way home from work, I couldn't help but wonder how to make this pain stop. Drink until I pass out? Just give up and say goodbye? End it all to end the stress? Would anyone miss me? Would they even notice? Would they even care?

I can't seem to shake this overwhelmingly scary feeling going through me...

18 February 2008

Valentine's Day

Yep, guess what... spent Valentine's Day alone... he had school and I spent the night alone... so much for that holiday!!! I sent him his card because I just had that feeling... guess I should be used to it by now... :(

15 February 2008

I Should Know... and Understand

Several months back, we discussed his work and he told me right then and there that he works a lot and the job takes him away. He also admitted that the job (which is his career) is the main reason he is still single... and he has had his heart broken. I guess, back at that time, I had to make the conscious decision that either I understand and accept his career or else I might as well throw up my hands at that point... I don't want to be like the one who broke his heart. He is a terrific guy... special... caring... sensitive... and has grown a very intense part in my heart. I told him that I made the decision and I CHOSE to accept what he brought with him, but there are days I doubt myself... wondering if I am actually capable of handling this lifestyle. I care about him and love him... I guess I should just trust my instincts, trust my heart, and let God hold my hand and guide me where he wants me to go... we have agreed that everything happens for a reason and destiny is possible... Please hold my hand and I am here...

13 February 2008

Am I A "Worry Wart"?

I'm worrying about things that I have no control over. I worry about things that aren't even wrong, I just assume they are (yes, I know "assume" is a strong word, but it's true). I worry about what will happen next, what's going through their minds, what I might have done wrong, what I might have said wrong... Am I a Worry Wart?

11 February 2008

Why Does It Drive Me Nuts?

Okay... so, we are all adults and should act like it. Correct? But she drives me nuts!!!! Quit your whining and complaining. If you don't like it, you know where the door is! No one is keeping you here... just leave... or GROW UP! And then, she comes in and brings her usual fast food breakfast... we are several cubicles away from each other... and I can still hear her chewing and eating... she makes more noise than a cow on a farm. What the hell?

Why Does All This Drive Me Nuts??????????

Will I Be a Secret Forever?

I miss him so bad... and I wonder if maybe someday I won't feel like a secret. Is he ashamed of me? Am I fat? Am I ugly? Or is he just afraid to tell people about me and then get hurt by me?

Maybe someday I won't be such a secret anymore...

10 February 2008

Okay... now what....

Just when I have thought it couldn't get any worse... here we go again...

I am having "fat" issues since I met this new guy in my life. My biggest fear was that he would take one look at me and never call me again. Which seems to be the norm.

I made it through our first meeting and several more dates... but I still get worried that he is going to think I'm fat... if my rings are too tight (due to water retention, or whatever), I avoid the scale because I know I'll end up in a downward spiral. But I have my weight logged in the calendar on my phone, just to remind me how fat I am...

And now, I have to get into my 2-pc suit in less than 2 months... and man, do I feel sick about it...

Now what?

09 February 2008

New Guy...

Back to the norm... get up and get on the scale... life sucks... can't help it... don't want to be fat, don't want to gain weight. CAN'T gain weight... don't want the new guy in my life to think I'm fat... talk about unnerving... how gross... quickest way to lose a guy is to gain weight... so afraid, so scared... HELP!

01 February 2008

February... and Valentine's Day...

Will I spend this Valentine's Day alone... AGAIN...


will I finally be able to celebrate this holiday?

Getting Past Mental Roadblocks

In the past, I have been hurt. I am so afraid of getting hurt again. My mind is set to believe that if he doesn't call, then I have said something wrong. If he doesn't answer the phone, he is with someone else. If we don't talk, then he doesn't want anything to do with me. I am so accustomed to getting hurt that I figure I just deserve it and that's life... my life... alone... solitude... Maybe I do deserve it, maybe I don't. I'm a good person with a big heart. I put everyone first and then, if I have time, find time for me. I don't feel I'm pretty or look like a model - I don't wear high fashion, I don't wear makeup, I'm not a size 4, maybe I'm just too horrible to be happy. I'm hurting right now and I can't get past these roadblocks...

31 January 2008

Life on Auto Pilot

Lately, I've been living my life day by day, moving along as if I am on auto-pilot - no idea how I get where I'm going, but I get there. Not sure why my body feels numb and why I feel like everything I do is wrong. It's been a ride and part of me wants to get off - my chest hurts, my head hurts, my inner being hurts. I want to curl up in a corner and let the world go on without me. I am not sure what I think or feel anymore. I feel numb... and numb is the word for it. As I sit here and type, my arms feel heavy and my chest feels tight. I am not sure who I am right now, or what comes next? Is it time to break away? Should I make a change? Am I taking too much to heart? Taking too much personally? Do I give too much of myself? Do I expect too much of me? This numb heaviness won't go away and I am scared and confused...

The Rollercoaster

This week has been an emotional roller coaster for me and I am not sure which way is good anymore - should I be flying backwards at warp speed, not seeing where I am going? Should I be climbing the highest hill, scared to death? Should I be tearing downward, toward earth, screaming? Should I be standing on the platform, not sure what to expect? Should I be standing on the ground, just an observer?
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