Gotta wonder... is this right... or am I just mistaken?

I am confused... help me here...

I work full-time. I have been back with this company over six years. I have not once been given an actual review... which is normally required for performance and raises... right?

Anyway, last week, I finally got my review... or should I say a Review"? Then again, maybe my first review? Okay, so... mind you, it's the middle of July... the year is 2012. My review covered January to December... the year 2011. Are we behind or what?

I am not sure about this, but since we have a new owner, we are all expected to have reviews. And then, the meeting started with "this review is for 2011... and you have come a long way since then... the statements in these areas are stock, based on the job... I did not write these... I give a rating of 1 to 5 and the system puts in the statements, so they do not accurately reflect what I want you to see..."  Okay, one more time here... is this wrong... or am I just really confused?

How do you honestly work this way... and keep staff morale up to a level where they don't want to tell you to go to hell?????

mixed signals

I know you shouldn't want me... And I shouldn't want you. But it's mutual. We both care, but I get so mad. You don't talk to me, you seem to ignore me. I get so angry. You don't include me. You seem to have others who mean more to you. Can't you see I am frustrated and angry? I know we can't discuss it, but please... Give me hope... Even a smile

Tired...

Have you ever hit the point where you are physically and mentally exhausted and there seems to be no relief? At what point do you throw in the towel and say "wake me in a week?" I am beat and exhausted. No idea which way I am going. Can't even think straight. Just want to curl up in bed and forget the world.

Today

I am having such a hard time concentrating today. My mind is racing and I am cold. I am normally warm, but here I sit, in a sweater and a cardigan. I can't seem to concentrate or focus. My head is jumping all over and I can look at something and it isn't making any sense. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. This has been a long week. I think it's the fact that my body is finally having a meltdown from the stress of this week. There is too much going on in my mind to keep me moving forward without tripping over my own feet.

Truth - depression sucks!

In several of my past posts, you might have noticed that I haven't really been myself. Well, I haven't. I have been diagnosed, and have suffered, with clinical depression for over 10 years. Then throw panic/anxiety attacks on top of that, and you have me... one rather slightly disturbed, messed up lady. The holidays always seem to really push the envelope for me. I don't really enjoy them like I used to. I feel bad because my son loves them. I just can't seem to get into them.

Anyway, I went to my doctor yesterday and we had a nice discussion. It is time to change up my meds. The ones I have been on have seemed to work for quite a while, but things are changing and the meds just aren't doing it for me at this point.

I start my new meds tomorrow, once I get them filled. I am hoping these help because I hate feeling so dark. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to socialize, I just want to be a hermit and stay in my pajamas. I don't have the energy and I don't like the way I feel, the way I look, the way I am, who I am... and the list could go on for pages, if I let it.

I guess, what I want to say is that if there seems like something is not quite right, don't be afraid to look into it. It took me several years to get an accurate diagnosis and it helped me move forward and be who I am. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you are divine, it probably won't get better without therapy and meds. It doesn't hurt to check.

Moving on...

I am a mom. I am a head-strong woman. I am a hard-worker. I am a college graduate. I am smart. I am conscientious.

I am stressed. I am struggling...

How do we know when it might be time to move on with our job? I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the people I work for. But I just don't know anymore. I feel like I am being left out of the loop. I am so damn busy, but no one offers to help. It's like I am the fall guy... dump it on me, it'll get done. I also answer the reception desk, do customer service, work with our guys in the field, work with our engineers, make sure there is coffee for the office, and the list goes on. When all else fails, give it to me... it'll get done. I am one that takes on work and doesn't ask for help. I don't like to delegate because it's easier to do it myself... do it right the first time... than to fix someone else's mess. And then there are the salesmen and customers who have my name... they come to me because they know they will get it done. And since I have been doing this for so long, they have faith that I know what I am doing.

I am frustrated. I feel like I am getting dumped on, in the corner, while others do only what they want to do. No one seems to understand that someone has to do this stuff.

How do you know when it might be time to look at moving on?

angry and hurt

I hate feeling like this. It consumes me and destroys me. I have to keep my mouth shut or else I will truly say something that I will regret. I already lost it completely last time and I am trying to avoid it happening all over again.

WTF is wrong with me?

A Pain in my heart

Do you even think of me or know I exist while she is around?
Why do I feel so threatened by her and her presence? She many not know anything about me, but just everything about her threatens my existence and my being.
I hate how this feels. My heart races and my mind spins. It's like he doesn't even acknowledge me when she is here.
Hope she will be gone soon... so our paths will not cross again.

I am my own worst enemy

The more I think, the worse I get, the more my mind wanders and the more I start to kill myself inside. I am at fault no matter what. Why did I do this myself? Why do you tear me apart like this?

I'm sure she's sitting close, smelling your cologne, her hand on your leg. You can smell her too. Does she make you happy? Do you want her instead of me?

The topic of her

I know we have something, but it bothers me and I get so insecure. I used to wonder about her looks. And then I saw her. I am so insecure. I feel like I cannot compare. Why?

Why do I live in a spin

I am so tired of living in this spin.

Fighting with myself

I feel like shit when I eat something I shouldn't. I feel gross when the scale shifts. I know salt kills me. Part of me gets frustrated and angry. I hate myself. I want to cry. I hate everything that goes on around me and in my mind.

A missed opportunity

Have you ever gone back and wondered if you missed something that might have been?

Maybe I get so frustrated because you're here and then you're gone. My heart and mind can keep this up.

Is the exercise for her or me?

Happy New Year

It's a new year and I am confused. The love of my life has come home and I want to be happy. First, I MUST LOSE WEIGHT!!