27 December 2013


I have a question...
Do people pick out and focus on other peoples flaws because they, themselves, are insecure?

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26 December 2013

pain to power... good or bad

I have a problem.
I take something that has caused me pain and hurt, stewed on it, dwelled over it, and then used the festered anger to drive a power.
I use it to make myself do things. To force me to suck it up. To push myself to limits... healthy, safe, or not.
I can't explain it but its pain that lingers inside with nowhere to go. I use it to drive me, to push me, to fuel me.
Am I the only one who has these driving forces?

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I want to be happy
but sometimes its hard.
I feel lost and alone
Not sure where to turn.
Sometimes you just can't
seem to trust anyone
Because when its good for them
They will turn on you in a heartbeat.
So much for happy...

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wind from your sails

Have you ever felt like things are going well but suddenly....woosh.... things are not what they seemed. Why is it that its more than okay for one person but not for someone else? Its amazing how seniority can cause the winds of change. I guess in business it happens. But really? I guess I can just sit quietly and mind my own business... but I will catch hell for that too.

Just stressed. Sorry. Had to vent!

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09 December 2013

wanna be a kitty cat

I just ate lunch. I've got a snuggly sweater on... now give me a spot where the sun is pouring through the window and I am all over this "curl up in a ball and take a nap" thing!!!!

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01 December 2013

holiday anxieties.... again

Thanksgiving has come and gone and, once again, my mood is down.

I have trouble with these holidays and they seem to bring me down.

I am confused.

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16 November 2013

personality issues

Have you ever been around people with personality defects? The kinds that are never happy, never have anything positive to say, never offer compliments/ please/ thank you, feel people should do for them before they do for others...

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abusive behavior

Just random. I had a good friend tell me that my mom is abusive to me, verbally and mentally. It caught me off guard. I guess I never really thought about it. I guess she is but since I've lived this way for so long that I don't see anything wrong. Just goes to show how people get so comfortable with what is going in around them that they don't really know what's "right" or "wrong".

The more I think about it, the more I see her point. My mom treats me like I'm 20, she still tells me what to do, she lays guilt trips on me, and other stuff.

I don't know if I will ever find a happy point with her because  with everything I've done, I don't think she's ever said "good job" or "congratulations". Other people seem to come before family.

This whole conversation has me know thinking...

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13 November 2013


When I'm tired, I'm crabby. When I'm cold, I'm crabby. When I'm late, I get crabby. When I have to wait, I'm crabby. When he raises his voice, I get crabby.

And, like the saying goes... "when momma ain't happy, no one is happy"... too bad people just don't get it!!!

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argue... or not....

I pick my battles. I know when I want to argue but its not worth it. I get so mad when people don't pay attention. It pisses me off. I want to slap someone. I know if I yell, it escalates. Then he yells. I get mad and it all goes south. I have learned that I need to calm down in moments like those but its hard. Just totally hate it!

27 October 2013

a dilemma

I have a close friend who decided to move out of her house and separate from her husband of 8 years. They have a 6 year old child.

She "needs her space" but there is s guy (who just got divorced) who is a lost puppy and had set his sights on her.

Problem is... he doesn't know when to stop, stay away, or listen. His presence is causing much awkwardness, along with tension from her husband, in front of their child.

I am close with her but I don't like how she's handling this whole situation since both herself and the guy are trying so hard to find something they feel has been missing.

I don't want to be s bitch, but its awkward.

I don't know what to do or say.

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15 October 2013


My day has totally sucked. I'm pissed and frustrated. Things went from bad to worse.

Want to crawl under the covers and hide.

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Today is name-dropping, talking loud, and talking on the phone with a mouthful of food.

Its very difficult for an obsessive compulsive to work for a micro manager.

Long day!!!!!

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11 October 2013

uhhhhhh.... ummmmm...

Back in school, I remember when teachers would measure how many times you used these words in a conversation

How professional is it NOT when a person calls a customer and uses those words 15 times (I counted) in a 5 minute voice mail message????

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04 October 2013


How does someone chew gum and talk at the same damn time? Do that not understand its not meant to be done?

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15 September 2013


My BFF and I got together today for grilling out, sipping good wine, and catching up on the last two months of busy lives. We both had so much to talk about but I let her run with the day. There were so many things I wanted to talk about and bounce off her, but I didn't.

Here I am, still thinking, trying to make sense of things, but oh well... I am not one to steal the show of dominate a conversation, so I guess I'm used to it.

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08 September 2013


Yelled at my son and started crying.

I am so mentally burnt I'm not sure which end is up... and then not feeling good only makes it worse.

Sad and lost right now. Unhappy.

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One of those days. And one of those weeks. been under the weather since Thursday. Lots of things going through my head. Overwhelmed and exhausted. Mentally burnt. Feeling lost. Want to talk to someone but no one to talk to send not sure what to say. Wish I could understand these feelings.

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02 September 2013

long weekends... not for me...

Three day weekends are NOT my thing!

I am going crazy. I hate sitting still. I hate not being busy. Cooped up in the house, on a holiday, with no where to go. Aarrgghh!

I feel like my hands are tied and I don't like feeling this way. I want to work on homework, but mom is in the living room. Long story... abbreviated.... mom's house...so I feel bound with what I do and where I go. Anyway....

My mood today kind of sucks. I need to get things done, but its tough. There are so many things that feel "off" today.

I need to work on thinking positive and being upbeat. That is the only way I will get things to change.


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17 August 2013

the universe answers

In The Secret, they talk about asking and receiving. Today I had three situations when I was in the right place at the right time and I was able to see doors open for me to approach.

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14 August 2013

life is good when....

My teenager is not afraid to be seen with me

My teenager still wants to hang out with "mom"

My son's friends randomly snap chat me

High school girls let me hang out while they read books out loud

And more... but at least I don't feel so old...

Life is good.

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13 August 2013

strange obsessions

I love shoes
Office supply stores
Disney movies
Guy fieri
Creamy peanut butter from the jar
Yellow jelly beans
And red jujyfruits...

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09 August 2013

Read The Secret

The Secret is awesome. I bought the DVD. So much info. So much logic and common sense. Check it out.

02 August 2013

bad day

Eve had a day start good at 5am and by 7am my mind is racing and I want to die?

Its going to be bad today. Actually in 20 minutes it went down.... yelling screaming crying shaking.    I hate this feeling.

Fuck this! I want to quit!!!!

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30 July 2013

this is hard

Im having a rough one today....lost alone stressed fat and overwhelmed. Its been a long time but feeling like making a cut would release the anxiety........

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29 July 2013

Has anyone read The Secret?

Tell me what you think...

mama claws come out

You can mess with me... but DO NOT... I repeat "Do not" mess with my son... or any other family. I might forgive... I do not forget... I might not get mad, but trust me... getting even might be on the horizon. I am a mom, I am protective, I am bullheaded... and I do not always play well with others... just saying...

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hardest thing

The hardest thing to do is to keep negative thoughts out of your head....

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25 July 2013


The past few days, since I've been back from my trip, I haven't slept well because my brain won't shut off. Its killing me!

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29 June 2013

Anna Nicole Smith

Tonight I was flipping through the TV channels when I got to E!  The had a show about "The Life and Death of Anna Nicole". It was a good documentary and I was hooked. She was eccentric but I liked her. She had beauty and guts. She went from nothing to everything. There is so much about her.

Sometimes you wonder... what do they really think and feel? Behind closed doors? Out of the spotlight?

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27 June 2013

24 June 2013

really? how annoying...

Doesn't anyone understand how obnoxious it is to sit next to someone and either crunch hard candy constantly... or snap gum!?!?!?
Really? Were ya born in a barn?

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23 June 2013

What to do?

Okay, down 60+ pounds. Hitting a plateau. Fighting it. Hating myself. Struggling. Stressing. Sad. Lost. Even a little unhappy.

02 June 2013

lazy tired

Dreary day. Cooler out. Want just to go take a nap. Don't want to do anything.

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31 May 2013


Had my meltdown the other day. Felt fat and gross. Then had cravings and the scale went up. Meltdown. I stressed and wanted to die. I wanted to purge. I was full of anger. Instead I stumbled and fell into an old anger release... but I feel better. It was too much salt. I don't like any of those feelings... anger. Frustration. Stress. Hopelessness. Sad.

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29 May 2013

Setting standards for myself

OK. I did finish in my age group on the challenge. Awesome. Lost weight. Lost inches. Toned up. Built up cardio. Doing well. Got the results for the national level. Didn't make it into the top 15 women for my age group (old). Bummed. Should be happy I made it local. Wasn't even trying. Should be happy. Now I need to try harder. Have to qualify in both levels next year. MUST! Need to find the next challenge to work toward. I will never completely be happy with me.... I can tell you that already....

When i am paying....

For a 4pm appt.... get me in at 4pm.

And then... when you are in the doctors waiting room, turn off the phone volume and the clicking keyboard....DAMMIT!!!!

Rude people drive me crazy!!!


When they say your appointment is at 4.... why are we not in at 4?

27 May 2013

Damned if you do....

Okay, tomorrow they post the top 15 in each age group. I have come to realize...

Damned if I do... damned if I don't...

I am not holding my breath. I doubt if I will qualify.... which means I will need to get my ass in gear and do better next time. If I do, then I have to keep it up.... no slacking.

Pretty much screwed either way! DAMN!!!!

mental meltdown

Competed in the challenge. Qualified locally. Did not qualify nationally. Need to amp it up. Feel like a failure. Need to work out, work harder, and lose more weight. I feel fat and disgusting.

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26 May 2013

I'm tired... mentally and emotionally

I wish I could feel happy. Some days are better than others. I was okay this morning, but tonight I am struggling. I don't know why but I am not feeling up to anything tonight.

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body challenge results

Not sure if I've shared this with you. I decided to join our local gyms "body challenge". For 12 weeks, I watched my food and focused on exercise. In 12 weeks, I was down over 40 pounds. I was shocked, but real happy. I did qualify for my own age group as a local finalist.

People kept asking me how I did it. Nothing exciting and nothing miraculous... instead just plain hard work and watching what I was eating.

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down 60 lbs

Since November, I'm down 60 pounds. I feel good. I need to keep it going. I have hit a plateau. I'm stressed. I need to lose more...

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25 April 2013


Weather sucks
Woke with a headache
Feel like shit.
Really just wanna disappear today.

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16 April 2013

My "new" phase and the struggles within

I have to admit that it's been 5 months since I started this "awakening" to become a better me... physically and mentally.

It's been tough. Physically, I have lost weight, I have cut down on the junk I'm eating, I have made valiant efforts to be at the gym regularly (including holidays).... Mentally, it's all a matter of mind over matter. I need to keep an eye on what I am doing and know what is right and wrong...

But I have to admit... I am struggling... every day I find myself battling my past demons. The demons of my ED, the demons of mind over matter, the demons of what I need to do. It hurts and it's a struggle.

I thought I had this licked, but not completely... obviously. I am enjoying this new part of me.

I just wanted to admit it.... I will post more later.

14 April 2013

losing weight and food for thought...

I have lost considerable weight since November and its been mainly due to hard work.
People keep asking how I'm doing it. I bet I would get more feedback by saying "I had plastic surgery" then I get by saying "by watching what I eat and cutting out a lot of carbs".
People seem more curious when it costs money... Not when it requires hard work.
Food for thought......

08 March 2013

steps of the journey

Well, I am still on the journey.
I have lost 40+ lbs since my "start" date of 11-16-12.
Nothing drastic, nothing dangerous, nothing expensive.
Cut down on most of the beads, etc. Which makes me not as hungry or bloated. I drink plenty of water... (I Think I'm starting to notice gills forming). I also watch.my calories (not obsessively) and sodium.
Simple eating habits help, along with 6 small meals/snacks.
I try to hit the gym several times a week, mixing it up.... Cardio, weights. And swimming.
If I can do it... Don't be afraid to try. You never know if you will succeed unless you try.

15 February 2013

My weight loss journey

In August I started a new job, where we have a path to walk at break and lunch.

In November we did a monitoring to keep everyone (who wanted) accountable over the holidays... I totally rocked those 3 months!! Woo hoo.

In January, my gym started a body challenge for 3 months so I am going with that.

I am feeling awesome and my clothes are getting big. I am down over 30 pounds and am thrilled! I want to lose another 30 to reach my ideal weight... So I'm going to keep plugging along.

For once in a long time, I feel good. I still can't say that I like my body, but I am working on accepting it. I guess thats a one day at a time thing.

I am learning to grow and growing by learning.

Another day

Here I sit, at lunch. Walked during break and had my salad for lunch.

This week I am wrapping up week 2 of my college Econ course and am doing okay.

My new job is still awesome (there are a few glitches, but that's to be expected). Everything is good and the people are totally cool.

My son got his braces off... So now we pray he doesn't lose the retainers!

I got back into working out and eating right. My weight is down and I am happy, although I know it's not low enough for my mind. My struggle is the weight, working out, and being thin... All while consciously trying not to fall back into my eating disorders. That is my struggle.

Anyway.... Things continue to move forward and that is good. One day at a time is all I can ask for.

Hope everything is well with each of you, as I apologize for being away, but I think of you often. It's just hard with the new routine. Oh we'll, that'll get easier also I guess, over time.

09 February 2013

but I DO eat..

I just eat differently than everyone else in my family.

I watch calories, fat, carbs, sodium, and protein. I know what I can/cannot have and I know what works for me.

I limit breafs and pasta but might have a few crackers.

I limit alcohol... And don't really miss it.

My candy is sugar free and I eat frozen yogurt.

I do eat, but because I don't eat the way my mom cooks, it isn't right... But that's why I have lost weight and she now has a fatty lump.

I am going to continue eating my way. I get my vitamins, I get my veggies, I get my protein... I just don't take in excess fat, calories, or sodium....

Honest, I do eat....

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20 January 2013

Happy Sunday

I know my timing has been sporatic, but I am still here. I am reading more about cutting wheat out of my diet, learning how to eat healthy, and even considering doing a 5k run/walk (in my case it'll be more of a walk) but still...

My son goes to the gym with me and he prefers swimming. I enjoy it too, but I like lifting weights and doing cardio. I am kind of a toner at the gym.... I would rather turn on my ipod and enter my own world.

I guess if I do the 5k, it'll be on my own, but part of me knows its for the best, but another part if me wishes I had the support....

Anyway.... Sweet dreams my fellow peeps. Have a good evening.

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10 January 2013

parking ...

Yes, We all like front row parking... And if a spot is there, will grab it.... But I am not one to sit and wait for some poor soul to pull out, nor do I stalk innocent people walking to their car to find their soon-to-be-open spot. I am one who, if someone is sitting there waiting for me to get to my car, I will put my stuff in and go back toward the store!!

Anyway, where this us going....
I went to the gym tonight after the "new years resolution rush"... And there were at least a dozen spots open, but there were one or two people who insisted on waiting for front row people to leave!

Hellooooooo...... We are at the gym... What part of "walk" and "exercise" are We misunderstanding here??? Or maybe they are the ones just there to look pretty.... Who knows...

Just park the car and walk!!!! It ain't gonna kill ya!!!!!!!

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Working out...

Nothing beats the rush a person gets when they push themselves and exercise.... Except when your trainer, even on off-days, tells you that you are going well and keep up the great work.
Wow... Definitely an incentive to keep Working hard.

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Commitment vs obsession

At what point does the fitness commitment become an obsession?

I am working out and losing weight. I am counting my calories. and I love the fact my clothes are big, but I cannot see it in myself.

I get all hung up on calories and eat too few, even when I work out. I have a number I am aiming for, which is my IBW.

There is so much going through my mind that I am truly not sure any more.

When is the commitment I am making to myself become an obsession?

06 January 2013

Current Read

From a recommendation, I am reading...

Wheat Belly: Lose the Wheat, Lose the Weight, and Find Your Path Back to Health

I have always struggled with eating carbs and how they seem to make we crave more sweets. By reading this book, I have been enlightened about how this works and what it does. The sweets thing worries me, especially with diabetes regular in our family.

This is a good book and very interesting. After reading into it and then going to the store, I can see how this would be difficult to do, as it takes dedication.

If you are interested in more info, check out this book.


by OPI

Bottle look.

Only thing is the rough texture on the nails once dry.... But way cool!!!!

Liquid Sand polish

Steal the night

01 January 2013

My Trainer...

I have mentioned him earlier... maybe only once.... but I will mention him again...

He is a doll. I love him to death.... he pushes me to my limits, eggs me on, forces me to my limits, and is still there when I am not having a training session with him.

Okay, he is younger than me, but I can talk to him. We laugh and joke, even as he is pushing my body to the limit with extreme weights.

He is cute... love his smile... and his laugh...

Is it bad that I might have a crush on my trainer?

I can push myself when we work together... I feel like it's all good. When I am trying something I might struggle with, he is always there for me. He spots me, he guides, me, he helps me... even if he is pushing me beyond my comfort zone.

I have wanted to get toned for some time and wanted to lose weight... maybe this is my incentive. He has mentioned that I look like I have lost inches... my family hasn't even said anything.... maybe working out with him will help me keep on the right track to losing weight and getting trim.


New Years Day 2013

Long time coming - it's been a long year.

My new year is hopefully a little smoother.... but it will need to be proven.

Last year, I joined the gym and finally got back into it.

Yesterday, I signed up for the Body Challenge.... I want to get a body worth looking at...
I still want to lose weight... since Thanksgiving, I have lost close to 20#, but my "ideal body weight" is still 40 more pounds away.

I am going to set myself with my resolutions and will move from there. I know I can do it if I really want it bad enough... What about you?????

I have already been at the gym today and I feel good... Guess I should eat something though. Anyway.........

Wishing everyone a terrific New Years and may all your wishes and hopes come true!
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