Need to think (out loud)

I just received a phone call, from a friend of mine. I met her close to 10 years ago and we hit it off. She was a pretty, bubbly, outgoing, special lady. 

When she gave up her life here to move down south with a southern gentleman, she left with me, a small hand made crystal, wrapped in silver, with other stones attached. Since that day, it has remained with me, in my wallet, always with me, at my side. I think about her often, as I look at it and touch it. Wondering how she is doing.

Anyway, the purpose of this post...

This southern gentleman, D, has always been softspoken and polite, but with the ability to be a growly, gruff, bear.

L has always been sweet and soft-spoken, with her occasional "get outta my face" attitude.

Lately she has been in a not-so-happy place. Her husband travels and they live in the middle of pretty-much nowhere. He does not feel she needs access to the internet. He monitors her cell phone minutes. If she goes over, he takes it away from her.

He has gone from being a loving, caring, romantic man, to Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde.

She calls me from his phone while he is busy, so he doesn't know she calls. She's afraid he will take the phone from her. He tells her she doesn't need email or internet access. When she does use the internet, it's only when he is home and when he stands over her shoulder.

I guess what triggered my frustration and fright today is that she called me, while he was in the shower, so she could talk to me. I could hear the fright and aloneness in her voice. She called to tell me she received my Christmas letter and it touched her and made her realize that we all have comforts... mine was telling everyone that I asked my son to bring me my teddy bear when I was in the hospital. Yes, I am 42 years old and still sleep with a teddy bear. He goes everywhere with me and he is my comfort.

I feel so bad. My heart goes out for her. She has lost her friends. Her family has been alienated. She is alone in that world. I understand her pain, as I have been there, but she is in no position to go anywhere. She has nothing of her own and no where to go.

I am glad that we are still close enough that we can talk, giving her a line of communication, with someone who knows both of them, and knows that type of living situation.

I feel so sad that people have to live like that... living in fear every day.

It's not right... and we shouldn't have to suffer like that...

but we do... we have... we will...

If you know anyone who is suffering like that, or at all, please help them get help. At least so they know they aren't alone in their struggles... We are never alone... we are not alone... and we should never be alone...

On a more serious note...

What is the difference between a victim and a survivor?

Have you ever thought about that?

When you think of domestic violence, does it only make you think of the physical side of it, or do you think about the mental, emotional, and verbal sides?

The reason this post came up this morning is because I was getting ready for work this morning and my mom asked me if I remember this woman I only met a few times... D. Yes, I remember her. She is the wife of a friend of ours. D was always a quiet, smiling woman, who loved her daughters and dotted over her new grandbabies. Her husband was the same - but there was another side to him.

I guess, when you are around these "type of people", you tend to be more keen on the senses. You can sense the darkness in them. You notice the control side of them. You can just tell that there is something more, but you never can tell for sure. It's kind of an instinct. You don't mention it and you don't ask about it, but you do feel it... it kinda makes the hair on the back of your neck stand up.

Anyway, I have known D's husband several years and used to run into him often - his wife was either working or home. He was always in the public eye. I always felt something strange about him - like it's his way or no way... kind of a sense of control. I never knew why, but you gotta go with your gut.

Anyway, this morning my mom told me that D and her husband were getting a divorce, after just building a brand new house and she had received a huge promotion at work.

I guess it came down to serious physical violence. He beat her so bad that he broke several bones and busted her jaw. She is finally filing for divorce.

The discussion I had with my mom this morning made my skin crawl with goosebumps and it's amazing how these things happen.

I guess that is how you can tell a victim from a survivor.  We are all victims, no matter what type of abuse. Some of us remain victims, out of love, loyalty, or even fear. Those of us who are survivors are the ones who stand up and make a difference. We try to get out, we get out, we make the life-altering change, and some of the survivors we hear about are still survivors, even though they die trying to escape.

Domestic violence, no matter what kind, or what the extreme, is unhealthy. It will never go away and it will never get better.

If you are a victim, get help... before it's too late.

If you're a survivor... tell your story. Help others.

Don't be afraid to get help, because that could be the difference between life and death.

The holidays are hard - I am a survivor - I need to confess

The amount of stress I deal with in my daily life is enough to send me over the edge some days.

It is times like this that my eating disorders and depression get the best of me. During the holidays, there is always so much food. That is how our family is... food, food, food... Yes, some may be healthy, but none is that good for you, in excess.

I live in this spiral. My family has always been heavy and, as a child, I can still remember my mom and dad both telling me, point blank, "if you keep eating like that, you are going to look like a horse". Okay, that those were my first memories of feeling that way.

I then dated a guy who, to be honest, was my first boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah, what little did I know was how toxic that would be for me. He worked in a bar, with another female. She was large and thought she was "all that".

I started working out because I was afraid that I would lose him to her if I got fat. I worked out religiously and even cut my eating down to 1500 calories (or less) per day, with no more than 10 grams of fat. If I couldn't count it, I didn't eat it. I did it, I lost weight. I felt like I looked absolutely fabulous. I got attention and felt "pretty", for the first time in my life.

Everybody in my family even thought I looked good. I worked so hard to be this way.

My mom was proud of me and so was my family, until they realized how I was doing it. I was anorexic. My world was in a different spin and it is so hard to break free.

There is so much more to this story that it is hard to include all the details, but I think the thing that pushed me to living in this world of darkness was that after he was protective and suspicious of me all the time, thinking I was going out on him, and doing things I shouldn't... it was him... he had been cheating on me... with the girl from the bar... who was, like, twice my size. What the hell am I missing here?

He will never know that what he did to me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally will always be the main root of what happens in my mind today.

I don't go a day without looking at myself and hating myself.

No one can understand how something that seems to simple can be so toxic, and possibly deadly.

I have been down this road (many, many times) and down several other roads, which I will share over time. I will share this, not only to help others, but to help get myself through the destructive behavior I experience over the holidays. These destructive ways do not stop at anorexia... it leads into bulimia, and even more extreme, such a cutting.

The stress and anxiety of the holidays cause many of us to suffer over and over...

PLEASE, IF YOU SUFFER FROM ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GET HELP.

LETTING IT CONTINUE, WITHOUT A SUPPORT SYSTEM, CAN BE DEADLY.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM

AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

Surviving is hard

There are so many types of surviving. Physical,  mental, emotional... abusive... self-destructive... it's out there... it is real... and everyone lives with some type. Me... it was more than I care to remember... physical, mental, verbal, self-inflicted. No one can even come close to understanding if they haven't been there. I guess the hardest is self-inflicted because it's you... against yourself. Trust me, I know... I still fight those enemies everyday!

Surviving the story of abuse

Abuse seems to be something I am drawn to... or at least those type of people and relationships.

I was dating a guy who was very protective and very aggressive. He would need to know my every move and every whereabouts. If I didn't answer my phone, he assumed I was up to something (when in actuality, it was him who was up to something). I remember one night, I told him it was over. He snapped. First, he destroyed the bathroom door of our apartment, with his fists. He put holes in it and basically shredded it. We then went for a drive. At that time, he tried to pull the keys from the ignition and he grabbed my face and throat. I freaked. That was the end of it. I told him I could never trust him again.

It was during that relationship that I started to suffer from eating disorders and cutting. I was a lost, hurt soul that could not find happiness.

I then got married. That was both a huge mistake and a learning experience. My husband was into drugs, which I was not aware of. He had a jealous streak also and a mean streak to match. When he would drink he was nasty. He verbally abused me constantly, leaving myself crying and my son scarred, wondering why dad always made me cry. 

After 5 years of the abuse, I called it quits. I was mentally and emotionally beat. I was constantly looking over my shoulder.

I survived the abuse of those relationships, but there are so many people who don't...