grrrrrrrr

My day has totally sucked. I'm pissed and frustrated. Things went from bad to worse.

Want to crawl under the covers and hide.

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mental meltdown

Competed in the challenge. Qualified locally. Did not qualify nationally. Need to amp it up. Feel like a failure. Need to work out, work harder, and lose more weight. I feel fat and disgusting.

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mixed signals

I know you shouldn't want me... And I shouldn't want you. But it's mutual. We both care, but I get so mad. You don't talk to me, you seem to ignore me. I get so angry. You don't include me. You seem to have others who mean more to you. Can't you see I am frustrated and angry? I know we can't discuss it, but please... Give me hope... Even a smile

Food Obsessed

I have come to the conclusion that I am obsessed with food and what I eat.

Although I don't always feel that way, like when I sit and have a couple glasses of wine, or a few small pieces of chocolate, but it's been getting pretty weird lately.

Yesterday, I was hungry for something for lunch, but not quite sure what. My brain started this conversation with myself about 10:30 or so... I take lunch at 11am. Anyway, I had to think about it because I knew we wouldn't be eating dinner until later because my son and I had doctor appointments right after work. By the time we would get home, it would be after 6:30 and then we would eat.  Typically we eat at 4:30 or 5pm, depending on when I get home from work.

Okay, so I thought about it and thought about it... couldn't decide on lunch. Ended up at the local grocery store, where I bought a salad and a turkey sandwich.

Mind you, it's not like I work in the boonies... where there is no where to go for lunch... I have a variety of food around here, all within 10 minutes of my office - McDonald's, Subway, Cousins, Culvers, 3 chinese places, Buffalo Wild Wings, Taco Bell, Arby's, Sonic, Wendy's, Applebees, Panera, a vegetarian restaurant, 5 guys, and the list goes on and on and on... So it's not like there is nothing to eat... because that is NOT the problem here.

Today the same thing happened. Started around 10:30 or so. Yesterday I thought about splurging on a hamburger and fries, but since I wasn't sure what was for dinner, I passed. I then figured, maybe tonight (Friday). Tonight I work all day and then I have to go right to my second job. No real time to eat, so the burger would be good - filling... something in me.

I thought about it today... burger? chinese? fries with ketchup sounds good. yum. Well, maybe... I don't know... do I really want to eat that? I am sooooo confused.... 

I got in the car, if I turn one direction, it's chinese, burgers, sushi. The other direction is... EVERYTHING else.

Anyway, I could not, COULD NOT, for the life of me... bring myself to get a burger... once again, even with my evening work and busy-ness, I ended up with a salad and fruit. It is driving me nuts. I cannot justify the junk, the fat, the calories, any of it.

It's like I'm obsessed and I cannot get past it. My mind won't let me. I can't justify it in my mind... 

Seriously, I ask... is there something wrong with me? Does this seem just really wrong? Or just not right?

Another day...

It has been a long week. I have felt like crap and have been running nonstop. I don't have time to be sick or time for me.

I have done a few things though. My son and I have been a part of a local gym, unfortunately, it's on the far side of town, amidst road construction and railroad tracks. Timing has totally sucked and I can't make it to work out and then get to work in the morning without stressing myself out. By the time I get done with work, I do not want to face more traffic to work out. Okay, so I am spending money (I really don't have) on something I don't use... or something that causes me more stress.

Anyway, this past week, I visited a new gym about 2 miles from our house (strategically-located between home and work) and signed us up. I didn't have to think twice. I just did it. My son was excited. We went back that night and worked out. We went yesterday. This is good.

I have felt like hell since Wednesday, so Thursday night, I did an excessive amount of sleeping. Yesterday I did a lot too.

Totally threw my body off by not taking my meds... especially my anti-depressants and my secondary meds.

I need to get back on track. I hate feeling like hell. I hate stress. I hate being depressed. I hate feeling messed up.

Today, I am working to get back on track...

 

Does this tell you how my day is starting??????

I love my son... but...

Tonight has been melt-down city since I got home.

I went to the grocery store, and dropped almost $100 with only 3 small bags. I went for 5 things and walked out with the small bags. I got home, the roads suck, we are dealing with snow and slipper roads. My 15 minute drive from work to home took me almost a 1/2 hour. And then there was the grocery store... Anyway, I got home.

My son brought in 2 bags and I had the rest of the shit. I can only carry so much, including locking the car and closing the garage door. I ran out of fingers to carry, so I put the 5lb bag of grapefruit in my purse, as I was NOT going to make another trip. I got to the house and my son is in the kitchen and my hands are full. I put something down to open the door and half-way open he yells at me because I didn't let him open the door.

Then it was just a variety of issues rolling downhill. I asked him to put something away, he snapped and said "I will". I turned away. He then wouldn't move when I opened the fridge, so my fingers got pinched. He then apologized for pinching my fingers. Then I dropped a piece of meat on the floor, he apologized.

This kid is sweet, but I could fall off a cliff, 400 miles from him, and he would be the one apologizing it happened. That absolutely drives me nuts!

Then if I don't answer him in the correct tone of voice, so he thinks I'm mad or upset. If I talk loud, he tells me I'm yelling. Then his voice increases.

I love my child to death... but he might be the death of one of us by the time this is over.

Today he had no school, finals are over, he was up and under my feet at 5am (in my serenity space I crave in the morning) and then my mom got up. Let's add to it that, since it was cold and snowing, I don't think either of them got dressed or went outside. My parking spot, in the driveway, was still full of snow. My mom and son have been stranded together, in one house, all day... and that never means anything good will come out of it. That just adds to the stress and pain.

I left for work 20 minutes earlier than usual. And mind you, I already leave home an hour before my day starts (flash back to my statement that my commute is 15 minutes). I get my "me" time. No one looks for me at work that early, I don't have to answer phones. I take the time to group, regroup, and ease my way into my day. No one else in the department shows up for another hour after I start.

I love my son to death and wouldn't trade him for the world... except maybe this morning... and maybe tonight... I love him when he is sleeping (does that count?) I think I need a glass of wine... and some ear plugs.

Today

I am having such a hard time concentrating today. My mind is racing and I am cold. I am normally warm, but here I sit, in a sweater and a cardigan. I can't seem to concentrate or focus. My head is jumping all over and I can look at something and it isn't making any sense. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. This has been a long week. I think it's the fact that my body is finally having a meltdown from the stress of this week. There is too much going on in my mind to keep me moving forward without tripping over my own feet.

Exhausted

Last night, after yesterday's insanity, I couldn't think straight. My brain was swimming and my eyes were swimming in the sockets. I got home, tried to do homework, but that failed... I couldn't comprehend anything. I had a glass of Chardonnay and was in bed, sound asleep my 7:30pm.

Me and stress don't always see eye-to-eye. It kicks my ass and then takes me down.

There comes a time when things have to change... and I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel and possible change on the horizon. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Another day... another Catch 22

Sunday, I got kinda "dolled up". I actually put makeup on (yes, I do own it). My son told me I was pretty. Yesterday, I got dressed, felt I looked nice, did my hair, put on makeup, and went to work. The one person I hoped would notice did not say a thing. He had time to stop and talk with everyone else, but me. So, I guess even though I thought that I felt pretty, obviously no one else thought so. So today, screw it. I didn't put on makeup, I dressed nice and pulled my hair back, but no makeup. After yesterday, makeup wouldn't even help me feel pretty today. I get so frustrated. Maybe I wasn't meant to feel that way. Maybe I wasn't meant to be pretty.

Mondays are tough

Today has been a rough day. I haven't felt like myself.

I kinda feel like I've been left hanging today.

One day you are there for me and then next you aren't.

I know you have bad days like I do, so I can understand if you are facing one of those.

I only wish I knew. But I won't. I am not going to ask.

I guess I will leave it like it is and hope tomorrow is better.

I miss you.

Truth - depression sucks!

In several of my past posts, you might have noticed that I haven't really been myself. Well, I haven't. I have been diagnosed, and have suffered, with clinical depression for over 10 years. Then throw panic/anxiety attacks on top of that, and you have me... one rather slightly disturbed, messed up lady. The holidays always seem to really push the envelope for me. I don't really enjoy them like I used to. I feel bad because my son loves them. I just can't seem to get into them.

Anyway, I went to my doctor yesterday and we had a nice discussion. It is time to change up my meds. The ones I have been on have seemed to work for quite a while, but things are changing and the meds just aren't doing it for me at this point.

I start my new meds tomorrow, once I get them filled. I am hoping these help because I hate feeling so dark. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to socialize, I just want to be a hermit and stay in my pajamas. I don't have the energy and I don't like the way I feel, the way I look, the way I am, who I am... and the list could go on for pages, if I let it.

I guess, what I want to say is that if there seems like something is not quite right, don't be afraid to look into it. It took me several years to get an accurate diagnosis and it helped me move forward and be who I am. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you are divine, it probably won't get better without therapy and meds. It doesn't hurt to check.

Need to think (out loud)

I just received a phone call, from a friend of mine. I met her close to 10 years ago and we hit it off. She was a pretty, bubbly, outgoing, special lady. 

When she gave up her life here to move down south with a southern gentleman, she left with me, a small hand made crystal, wrapped in silver, with other stones attached. Since that day, it has remained with me, in my wallet, always with me, at my side. I think about her often, as I look at it and touch it. Wondering how she is doing.

Anyway, the purpose of this post...

This southern gentleman, D, has always been softspoken and polite, but with the ability to be a growly, gruff, bear.

L has always been sweet and soft-spoken, with her occasional "get outta my face" attitude.

Lately she has been in a not-so-happy place. Her husband travels and they live in the middle of pretty-much nowhere. He does not feel she needs access to the internet. He monitors her cell phone minutes. If she goes over, he takes it away from her.

He has gone from being a loving, caring, romantic man, to Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde.

She calls me from his phone while he is busy, so he doesn't know she calls. She's afraid he will take the phone from her. He tells her she doesn't need email or internet access. When she does use the internet, it's only when he is home and when he stands over her shoulder.

I guess what triggered my frustration and fright today is that she called me, while he was in the shower, so she could talk to me. I could hear the fright and aloneness in her voice. She called to tell me she received my Christmas letter and it touched her and made her realize that we all have comforts... mine was telling everyone that I asked my son to bring me my teddy bear when I was in the hospital. Yes, I am 42 years old and still sleep with a teddy bear. He goes everywhere with me and he is my comfort.

I feel so bad. My heart goes out for her. She has lost her friends. Her family has been alienated. She is alone in that world. I understand her pain, as I have been there, but she is in no position to go anywhere. She has nothing of her own and no where to go.

I am glad that we are still close enough that we can talk, giving her a line of communication, with someone who knows both of them, and knows that type of living situation.

I feel so sad that people have to live like that... living in fear every day.

It's not right... and we shouldn't have to suffer like that...

but we do... we have... we will...

If you know anyone who is suffering like that, or at all, please help them get help. At least so they know they aren't alone in their struggles... We are never alone... we are not alone... and we should never be alone...

Moving on...

I am a mom. I am a head-strong woman. I am a hard-worker. I am a college graduate. I am smart. I am conscientious.

I am stressed. I am struggling...

How do we know when it might be time to move on with our job? I love my job. I love the people I work with. I love the people I work for. But I just don't know anymore. I feel like I am being left out of the loop. I am so damn busy, but no one offers to help. It's like I am the fall guy... dump it on me, it'll get done. I also answer the reception desk, do customer service, work with our guys in the field, work with our engineers, make sure there is coffee for the office, and the list goes on. When all else fails, give it to me... it'll get done. I am one that takes on work and doesn't ask for help. I don't like to delegate because it's easier to do it myself... do it right the first time... than to fix someone else's mess. And then there are the salesmen and customers who have my name... they come to me because they know they will get it done. And since I have been doing this for so long, they have faith that I know what I am doing.

I am frustrated. I feel like I am getting dumped on, in the corner, while others do only what they want to do. No one seems to understand that someone has to do this stuff.

How do you know when it might be time to look at moving on?

Eating

My mom has been on my case... like last night, I didn't feel up to eating. I just was not in the mood for meatloaf. I don't have anything against it - I just wasn't hungry. She asked me "are you on a diet AGAIN? you aren't eating." She had THAT TONE in her voice... Whatever! I ate my baked potato... and part of the meatloaf. The way she asked the question, she implied that I am always on a diet. I am NOT, but I will not argue with her. I try to watch what I eat and I hate eating and feeling miserable. I hate it when I feel bloated. I hate it when my clothes are uncomfortable. Trust me, if I was on a diet... she would probably be the first to know... and then I would still catch hell! If people would just worry about themselves and not others, it would be great. And by the way Mom... it's not the bag of jellybeans that made you gain 10 pounds... it's the bag of chocolate candy in your drawer and the rest of the junk you eat while laying in bed at night... Hmpf. Go Figure!!!!

Can you tell I am having a rough day?