ugh

When I'm tired, I'm crabby. When I'm cold, I'm crabby. When I'm late, I get crabby. When I have to wait, I'm crabby. When he raises his voice, I get crabby.

And, like the saying goes... "when momma ain't happy, no one is happy"... too bad people just don't get it!!!

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Taking a break

It's been a time since I have done any substantial postings. There has been so much going on.

The weather here has been unbearably hot... and I HATE hot weather. I would much rather have it sub-zero and wearings 40 layers of clothes. When I get warm and uncomfortable, I become... to be completely honest... a TOTAL BITCH!!! Heat and I do not see eye-to-eye and it is NOT my friend. I can only take so many clothes off and I still hate it.

I have been doing school work, so I am stressed. My son is on a trip, so I am lonely. I have a cat going through separation anxiety, so he has my sleep pattern is totally screwed up because he wants attention and then lays there and "cries" to me (at 2:30am, 3:30am, etc). The heat is taking it's toll on my mom, so I worry about her because she is stubborn and bullheaded (no idea where I get those traits from). I am still "in search of..." and that is still a slow and painful process... and I am getting frustrated there too. It's like everything thing. AARRGGHH!!!

I just haven't felt like me and don't feel like doing anything. So I am on a mental break... and a physical exhaustion. With the heat this past week, hitting the 90s and 100s, I have been to the gym twice and that was it... it is too damn hot to do that. The small pool in our backyard is even registering at 95-deg, so to hell with that being comfortable either.

Thank goodness it's Friday... I am ready to curl up and sleep the weekend away.

Hope everyone has had a good week. I will see you soon... with a better attitude... as soon as this heat breaks...

 

Does this tell you how my day is starting??????

I love my son... but...

Tonight has been melt-down city since I got home.

I went to the grocery store, and dropped almost $100 with only 3 small bags. I went for 5 things and walked out with the small bags. I got home, the roads suck, we are dealing with snow and slipper roads. My 15 minute drive from work to home took me almost a 1/2 hour. And then there was the grocery store... Anyway, I got home.

My son brought in 2 bags and I had the rest of the shit. I can only carry so much, including locking the car and closing the garage door. I ran out of fingers to carry, so I put the 5lb bag of grapefruit in my purse, as I was NOT going to make another trip. I got to the house and my son is in the kitchen and my hands are full. I put something down to open the door and half-way open he yells at me because I didn't let him open the door.

Then it was just a variety of issues rolling downhill. I asked him to put something away, he snapped and said "I will". I turned away. He then wouldn't move when I opened the fridge, so my fingers got pinched. He then apologized for pinching my fingers. Then I dropped a piece of meat on the floor, he apologized.

This kid is sweet, but I could fall off a cliff, 400 miles from him, and he would be the one apologizing it happened. That absolutely drives me nuts!

Then if I don't answer him in the correct tone of voice, so he thinks I'm mad or upset. If I talk loud, he tells me I'm yelling. Then his voice increases.

I love my child to death... but he might be the death of one of us by the time this is over.

Today he had no school, finals are over, he was up and under my feet at 5am (in my serenity space I crave in the morning) and then my mom got up. Let's add to it that, since it was cold and snowing, I don't think either of them got dressed or went outside. My parking spot, in the driveway, was still full of snow. My mom and son have been stranded together, in one house, all day... and that never means anything good will come out of it. That just adds to the stress and pain.

I left for work 20 minutes earlier than usual. And mind you, I already leave home an hour before my day starts (flash back to my statement that my commute is 15 minutes). I get my "me" time. No one looks for me at work that early, I don't have to answer phones. I take the time to group, regroup, and ease my way into my day. No one else in the department shows up for another hour after I start.

I love my son to death and wouldn't trade him for the world... except maybe this morning... and maybe tonight... I love him when he is sleeping (does that count?) I think I need a glass of wine... and some ear plugs.

So ready to lose it!!!

Have you ever had a day where people just push you to the limit? Why is it that if someone else does something wrong, it's never really wrong, but if I miss dotting an "i" or crossing a "t", then all hell breaks loose and I am sloppy? I get so F'n sick of the "SIGHHHHHHH" I get when people get snotty. Back off and go to hell! If you want to do my job - then take it! Don't ask me for help and don't expect me to be pleasant... oh, and by the way... good luck on that! You think you know it all, then you can have it!!!!!

Feel threatened...

What happens to you when you feel as though you are being threatened? Not necessarily physically, but emotionally, or intellectually? When I feel as though someone is invading my space, or moving in on "my turf", I tend to get kinda weird. I don't like it. I feel like they are trying to take things away from me, as if I am not doing a good enough job, or they are trying to get rid of me, or that I am losing something.

It then leads to me feeling down about myself and hating myself. It is a spiral that keeps spinning.  It goes downward, then I pick myself up and it happens again.

Right now, I am feeling threatened in my space, like they are trying to eliminate me or take over what I am doing. I hate feeling like this because then I just get cranky.

It then leads to hating how I feel, how I look, how I dress, etc etc etc.  I am such a basket case over things like this. I am not sure why, but I am.

Have you ever been disappointed?

Have you ever had a time when you did something awesome? Something you worked hard on? Something that was a huge accomplishment?

One of those things that you want to scream and shout and put on a billboard, saying “I DID IT”? But you are one of those people who don’t like to blow your own horn, or draw attention to yourself?

You know that there are people that know you succeeded. But, of all the people who know, the one person who you would like to get a “congratulations” from, is one that doesn’t say a word.

I am so disappointed. It hurts inside. I spent so much time and effort to come this far, and that one person can’t even tell me “good job”.

I am wondering… could it be jealousy? Could it be concern?

Why can’t they just tell me I did good?

I am even that important to them?

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

Have you been in a situation where, no matter what you do or how you do it, someone is gonna be pissed, and somehow, you will be the one who ends up getting busted for it?

I am in a predicament. I need to work, everyday, to keep my sanity. But damn, there are days when I really wish I didn’t have to have contact with the outside world, as they drive me crazy!

I am one of these obsessive types who take what is handed to me and bust my ass until it’s done. I absolutely hate asking for help and sometimes, it’s just easier to do it myself than to try to delegate it.

I get yelled at when I don’t delegate because I am too busy and am already spread too thin. But then when I do delegate, I get in trouble because I get all the initial contacts.

WTF?

I can’t seem to win and some days, I just want to scream, but that is not appropriate for a lady, nor is it professionally politically-correct.

I do my job. I love my job. I need to keep busy. I hate asking for help. I strive to be the best. I need to do the best I can. I don’t try to dump on others. I don’t rely on others (as I always get let down). And I don’t expect anything from anyone else (because I am one of those strange people who don’t want to impose by asking for help).

Some people

Have you ever encountered someone who just doesn't know how to keep their mouth shut and their nose out of things that don't include them? It bids the hell out of me when people open their mouth when they should just keep it shut. Piss me off!!!!

people....

Have you ever experienced one of those people who seem to already know everything? And then they add their two cents on things that don't concern them... It bugs the hell out of me. Stay out of my conversations and back off.

Jealousy and Anger

Why do I let jealousy and anger consume and destroy my life?
It is because I have been hurt so many times that my ability to trust... ANYONE... is shot to hell? Everyone I have encountered has some how managed to hurt me, physically, mentally, and/or emotionally. I can't take it anymore. I am so angry and hurt that I can't deal with anyone. I take so much personally, especially when I know that if I say anything, I will be told I am jumping to conclusions, or I am over-reacting, or I am being stupid. I really do hate it when people say that. It really just pisses me off even more. And now, now, I find out that a group went out together. Nothing like truly feeling like dog shit. I hate being the last man out. I wish I could honestly say that it doesn't bother me and I can get over it, but I can't see that happening any time soon.

I am so sick of excuses

Poor baby... so tired... awwww... tough shit!
Did you hang out with her last night? Is that why? Do you take advantage of the situation? She is wearing awful pretty panties today. Did you notice those? As she leans over by you and moves in? Do you notice her tight shirt? Her low-cut jeans? He lacy panties? Anything else? Do you know what is under all that? What is inside all that? Did she make you happy? I know what you have done with me. Did you do that with her also? Am I just jumping to conclusions? Or did you decide that young and tight is the way you want it?

The Hand that Feeds You

I am off today and tomorrow it's over.
I am sure you will think it is all back to normal. Right now, you both probably think I am a total bitch because of my mood and tone, but it has never occurred to you that it is a product of your own actions. You have no flipping idea that you created this monster that has been here the last 2 days. You are totally blind and ignorant. I am a piece of shit and she is young, thin, pretty, and obviously smitten on you.

When this week is over and we are back to our schedule, please realize that things have changed. Next week, you will need me and need my help. But I am warning you ahead of time that you need to think REALLY CAREFULLY about this. Just remember who's hand you bit when this was all happening. Just remember, I am wounded and angry. Your best bet is to just turn around and walk away. Remember, I am not pretty and sexy to you anymore. There is obviously someone else and you were not afraid to hurt me in the process.

Back away, stay away, and go to hell!

Bad Day Yesterday

He took the two of them to lunch and left me alone behind - without saying a word. Glad I am so invisible.

I was sooooooo angry when they left, I started to cry. I wanted to scream and hollar. I literally wanted to punch something, really really hard!!!! I was so enraged that I was ready to explode. So angry that I was shaking. I don't normally get like that... and I haven't been that way for a LONG time, but it scares me because I know I can do some major damage to anyone who gets in my way!

The crying helped, but the anger and jealousy is still there.

Not getting better!

I can almost guess he is taking her to lunch. If he does, I will lose it!

Aarrgghh!

Now he's making a point of talking to me. I think he knows I am pissed!

VENT

When she's here, I am dogshit!

Crabby Old Lady

At what point do you become a crabby old lady, hellbent on pissing off everyone around you? I don't want to be like her.

First u don't even notice and then I feel like I'm 4. WTF?

I know I made a comment I shouldn't have, but you laughed because you know it was eating at me.