Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.

There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"

Need to think (out loud)

I just received a phone call, from a friend of mine. I met her close to 10 years ago and we hit it off. She was a pretty, bubbly, outgoing, special lady. 

When she gave up her life here to move down south with a southern gentleman, she left with me, a small hand made crystal, wrapped in silver, with other stones attached. Since that day, it has remained with me, in my wallet, always with me, at my side. I think about her often, as I look at it and touch it. Wondering how she is doing.

Anyway, the purpose of this post...

This southern gentleman, D, has always been softspoken and polite, but with the ability to be a growly, gruff, bear.

L has always been sweet and soft-spoken, with her occasional "get outta my face" attitude.

Lately she has been in a not-so-happy place. Her husband travels and they live in the middle of pretty-much nowhere. He does not feel she needs access to the internet. He monitors her cell phone minutes. If she goes over, he takes it away from her.

He has gone from being a loving, caring, romantic man, to Dr Jeckyll/Mr Hyde.

She calls me from his phone while he is busy, so he doesn't know she calls. She's afraid he will take the phone from her. He tells her she doesn't need email or internet access. When she does use the internet, it's only when he is home and when he stands over her shoulder.

I guess what triggered my frustration and fright today is that she called me, while he was in the shower, so she could talk to me. I could hear the fright and aloneness in her voice. She called to tell me she received my Christmas letter and it touched her and made her realize that we all have comforts... mine was telling everyone that I asked my son to bring me my teddy bear when I was in the hospital. Yes, I am 42 years old and still sleep with a teddy bear. He goes everywhere with me and he is my comfort.

I feel so bad. My heart goes out for her. She has lost her friends. Her family has been alienated. She is alone in that world. I understand her pain, as I have been there, but she is in no position to go anywhere. She has nothing of her own and no where to go.

I am glad that we are still close enough that we can talk, giving her a line of communication, with someone who knows both of them, and knows that type of living situation.

I feel so sad that people have to live like that... living in fear every day.

It's not right... and we shouldn't have to suffer like that...

but we do... we have... we will...

If you know anyone who is suffering like that, or at all, please help them get help. At least so they know they aren't alone in their struggles... We are never alone... we are not alone... and we should never be alone...

What ‘cha doin’?

Ok, so that is a routine question in my house… and it is not primarily from Phineas and Ferb… it is from my son – a teenager with obsessive tendencies. He has to be in the middle of things and can hear a conversation from across the room, but can’t seem to hear me from across the kitchen table when I ask him to use his fork, not his fingers, or to use his napkin, not his pants.

I spend all day at work, trying to get things down on the computer and answering the phone. I get enough interruptions and distractions. The last thing I want to do is come up, with good intentions of going on the computer and accomplishing something other than work, school, or church. I used to have a social life, I used to facebook, I used to tweet, I used to blog, but lately, distractions keep me sidetracked. I love my child, but it really bugs me when I am trying to do something and he is continually coming in and asking “What ‘cha doin’?” Or, even worse, stands over my shoulder to see what I am doing. I know that if I did that to him, he would flip a gasket! And when it isn’t him, it’s Grandma. Yes, she does the same thing. She has no clue on computers or the internet, but standing over my shoulder is her part-time job apparently.

Sometimes, I even wonder if the cats have the same thoughts? Especially as they stand on top of me and stare down at me, with that “look” on their face.  Can you imagine your cat staring down at you and suddenly saying “What ‘cha doin’?” Yep, I can!!!! (If you knew my cats, you would think so too.)

Why can’t a girl get some time alone? Oh yea, trust me, even the bathroom is not a sacred place… no one needs it until I am in there, nor does anyone want to talk to me until that same time. Maybe that is why the cats hang in the bathroom with me when I’m getting dressed or taking a bath? For the seclusion? Who knows… maybe.