28 December 2009

23 December 2009

I am feeling like crap! I feel fat and gross. I MUST lose weight. I hate how I feel. I really want to crawl in a hole.

24 November 2009

Holidays depress me and being alone doesn't help. There is one I barely see and one who has someone else. I hate how I feel right now.

18 November 2009

I Start to think too much and it all goes downhill

I am not sure of anything anymore. I am confused and lost. I am not sure who to believe or what to believe. Am I just making this all up in my mind or is it really happening? As if I don't have enough other things to worry about that are on my mind, I worry about what is around me... and you. You tell me not to worry, but I can't help it. Since that very first day, there is something about you. Something special. I can't help it because I care. You know that I do. I always have. I wish you could understand that. So many people use people and, like me, have a hard time trusting and believing when people are honest and caring. I guess we all have our demons, you have yours and I have mine. Mine are in my past, yours are in your present. Please understand that I care and always will. I know you may not trust others, but I understand the pain. And if you find that I am no longer attractive to you, I will do what it takes to get back to being pretty in your eyes.

12 November 2009

I know that I am not a model or stick thin. I am sorry that I have let you down. Thank you for reminding me how ugly I really am.

05 November 2009

I think I will just give up. It's obvious that I am not important at all. WHY BOTHER!!!!

01 November 2009

Feel fat and gross. Now I'm sick too. Might as well add insult to injury. I REFUSE to buy new clothes! Fat is lonely!
I looked in the mirror this morning and I hate myself - fat and ugly!!!

31 October 2009

Have you ever had to live your life in one room? Almost like a caged animal. I am starting to go crazy!

29 October 2009

Why do I tend to feel so threatened by small things? I wonder if I have done something wrong?

14 October 2009

Today I was frustrated, it started rough. I've enlisted the help of the laws of attraction. I have also tried the higher powers. I hate feeling helpless.
I get so mad. Why do you do this to me? I feel like you are here one minute and then gone the next. Am I only good enough when you need something?
I miss you so much. I miss how you make me feel. I'm lost without you.

01 October 2009

Do you believe in Laws of Attraction?

For the past several weeks, I send two messages out in the morning, every few days.
With the way life has been, I understand and don't get any replies. I feel hurt. No one knows that this is what happens. I have started looking into the Laws of Attraction and have started the mantra for magnetism. This morning, which reciting the mantra, I sent those two messages again. This time, in less than 15 minutes, both replied, with more than just simple answers. I am going to keep working on it and hopefully have something good come out of this.
Have a good day.

24 September 2009

It is Going to be A long day

Have you ever woke up in the morning to figure that it is going to be one VERY LONG day? Kind of to the point where staying in bed is really the only available option? I woke up too early, couldn't get back to sleep, had issues from the start, got to work and felt like my abilities had been attacked, obviously do not have enough hours in the day (especially since working OT is a no-no during these times). Gee, I don't understand why I can't get 12 hours of work done in 8? Insert EXTREME sarcasm. Maybe I'm lucky I'm hourly and not salary, or I probably would have worked myself into the grave by now - it really sucks to be obsessive-compulsive! Right now, pretty much EVERYTHING sucks.

22 September 2009

Thanks For Nothing!

You make me so mad. I listen to you in there, laughing and giggling like a little girl.

I can tell the way you laugh is so fake. It bothers me so much that you have the nerve to act like that. No wonder I feel like a worthless piece of shit – you make me feel that way. Sometimes I think it is on purpose just because you know it bothers me.

I guess I should just give up. I can’t compete. You have so much more than me and I am just someone lowly. You have a great car and a very bubbly personality. I am more reserved and quiet. I don’t drive anything fancy and I’m not overbearing. I have a hard enough time in life and you just seem to know when to stab the knife deeper and when to give it a twist. It’s apparent I can’t compete – I might as well give up. Lost, alone, and miserable. Thanks for nothing!

21 September 2009

If you don't care, why should I?

My days would be filled with anticipation as you would smile at me and make me feel special.
I would get dressed up, knowing that you appreciated how I looked and that my dressing sexy turned you on.
Lately I feel like you don't look at me like you did. I don't have the energy to dress up. If you don't think I'm sexy, why should I bother? Knowing I turned you on, turned me on.
But now I don't know anymore. Is there someone else? Am I now fat and ugly in your eyes?
Tell me, please. I want to know.

04 August 2009

I Guess I Can't Blame Him

I guess I can't really blame him... why would he want to come home to me?
I'm sure there are sexier, thinner, model-types out there that would kill for him...
why would he want me?

Reality Check... SUCKS

I've been avoiding the inevitable... stepping on the scale. I was afraid to see the results. When I don't feel good about myself, why get on the scale and send my esteem into a downward spiral? I did it today... and I guess it's just deserved... I got on the scale and wanted to cry. I did not like what I saw, I hate how my clothes feel, no wonder I am alone, I want to die. I have a hard enough time with myself, but this takes the cake... I feel like a whale and want to disappear. I guess it's time for the drastic measures again... no one understands that once an eating disorder victim, there are always those tendencies somewhere in the back of my mind.

07 July 2009

Feel Miserable over the Holidays

The holidays come and go, and I feel worse now than I did before.
I have the time I don't need to focus on myself and find criticism. Today, my stomach is gross, my arms are fat (from the side), ewwww... ickkkkkk.... even after watching Dance Your Ass Off... I feel feel like a fat, ugly lump!

17 June 2009

I Wish I Knew Where I Stand

One day, you have attention for me and you can make me smile and laugh. The next day, we barely get a chance to speak at all. I am never quite sure if I have, unknowingly, done or said something wrong. Or maybe your life at home has had some changes. Maybe you don't see me like you did. Maybe you are realizing that I am not what you want. I wish I knew. I guess, if I knew, I could address it, handle it, live with it. But the not knowing... that is what is killing me. I am the kind of person who assumes the worst (and yes, I know what Assume means!) and figure I am completely at fault... somehow, in some way, shape or form... whether I was anywhere around or not. I just wish I knew where I stand with you because you still hold a very special place in my heart and mind... and no one has been able to fill those spots but you. I wish I knew...

09 June 2009

When at work... WORK!

when you are on the clock, do your work... it's not time to socialize and chit chat... and ignore what needs to be done... OMG!

04 June 2009

Hate How I Feel

Like like crap this morning - feel fat and ugly. Want to crawl in a hole and never come out!

28 May 2009

Summer is coming...

Last night, laying in bed, thinking that summer is right around the corner.
I do not like anything about me. I am sick of being alone. I am sick of being frustrated. I am sick of feeling like I am lost in the world. Then, I might as well add the fact that I am sick of the way I look. I have a friend, who has lost weight and she looks so good. The problem is - she has done it by not eating. I have talked to her about it, because I have been there, done that.... but, in a sick way, I am jealous of her. She is now thin, pretty, and even has a boyfriend, after her recent divorce. I feel like a fat ugly lump and need to do something about it.
Today is a new day and today I am starting back on the "habits" that will (hopefully) get me to where I need to be in the next couple weeks. I just need to stick with it... no matter what.

22 May 2009

People in Control

Have you ever worked with someone who feels the need to be in control of everything - having the final say and making all the plans?

05 May 2009

Should I Feel Bad?

We have been having meetings at work, with the CEO, financial directors, and even the Board.
The CEO is a great guy and very down to earth. I have not once had a problem with him. He treats me with respect and introduces me to others with the highest regards. Several other people have made comments that he is old-fashioned and does not want to see women succeed or work in management roles. I don't see that, but I guess we are all equal. I have never got that feeling from him. I am not afraid to say Hi to him as I pass him or even laugh with him. He does not act like he is above the rest of us, so I don't feel intimidated by him. Should I? A lot of the women around me seem to keep their distance from him, because of his position within the company. He approaches me and talks to me. He jokes with me and laughs with me. He acts like I'm a human. Is that wrong?

24 April 2009

So, how should I feel?

I guess I would like to know... do you care or do you not?
I know we both have so much going on. You tell me that if I need anything, just call. Well, when I do, you seem to be busy with other stuff. You used to call to check on me, but now it suddenly seems as if it's not necessary to check on me. When I have my melt-down, then you get concerned. Does it not concern you to keep me from melting down? Look for signs that the edge is near?
I guess I would like to know...

19 February 2009

I am losing control again

It all started last fall when we did the health check. The nurse told me I was obese. Great, as if that didn't make my day at 7:00 in the morning. To add insult to injury, my ideal weight is at least 60lbs less than my current weight. Which, in retrospec, is the same weight I was at while I suffered from anorexia. Okay, so here we go again.

I decided to go on a diet - counting calories and fat, yada yada yada. Same as before, but this time I can feel my obsessiveness kicking in and here we go, on this roller coaster all over. I watch my intake or limit it all together. After a month and a half, I am hitting a plateau... and I am almost certain, from past experiences, that I am not eating enough - not enough calories or fat - not enough of anything at all... of course, except water... I am apparently training to be the next human fish.

As if stepping on the scale isn't enough to ruin my world each and every day, I am finding myself being hard on myself - it seems like the depression is getting worse with the stress of my job. I feel miserable and really have no desire to interact with anyone. And then, if someone is having a bad day and I have encountered them, I feel that my attitude has created this contagious spiral. So now, what else, but feel even worse than I did an hour previous. I can't apologize enough and I can't fight my internal anger. I want to cry, I want to scream, but nothing works. I hate myself for who I am and how I'm ruining the lives of people around me. Why? I am so angry. I am caught in a trap... now I am back to my other issue - I pulled out a small blade and made a couple cuts in my skin. I bled, and I watched it, but the pain of my skin being pierced made me cry, as if all my anger was finally able to escape by feeling the pain I am causing others.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, knowing I am back into my downward spiral and I am scared.

I am scared and frustrated.
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