28 December 2009
23 December 2009
24 November 2009
18 November 2009
16 November 2009
12 November 2009
05 November 2009
01 November 2009
31 October 2009
29 October 2009
23 October 2009
14 October 2009
01 October 2009
With the way life has been, I understand and don't get any replies. I feel hurt. No one knows that this is what happens. I have started looking into the Laws of Attraction and have started the mantra for magnetism. This morning, which reciting the mantra, I sent those two messages again. This time, in less than 15 minutes, both replied, with more than just simple answers. I am going to keep working on it and hopefully have something good come out of this.
Have a good day.
24 September 2009
22 September 2009
You make me so mad. I listen to you in there, laughing and giggling like a little girl.
I can tell the way you laugh is so fake. It bothers me so much that you have the nerve to act like that. No wonder I feel like a worthless piece of shit – you make me feel that way. Sometimes I think it is on purpose just because you know it bothers me.
I guess I should just give up. I can’t compete. You have so much more than me and I am just someone lowly. You have a great car and a very bubbly personality. I am more reserved and quiet. I don’t drive anything fancy and I’m not overbearing. I have a hard enough time in life and you just seem to know when to stab the knife deeper and when to give it a twist. It’s apparent I can’t compete – I might as well give up. Lost, alone, and miserable. Thanks for nothing!
21 September 2009
I would get dressed up, knowing that you appreciated how I looked and that my dressing sexy turned you on.
Lately I feel like you don't look at me like you did. I don't have the energy to dress up. If you don't think I'm sexy, why should I bother? Knowing I turned you on, turned me on.
But now I don't know anymore. Is there someone else? Am I now fat and ugly in your eyes?
Tell me, please. I want to know.
04 August 2009
07 July 2009
I have the time I don't need to focus on myself and find criticism. Today, my stomach is gross, my arms are fat (from the side), ewwww... ickkkkkk.... even after watching Dance Your Ass Off... I feel feel like a fat, ugly lump!
17 June 2009
09 June 2009
04 June 2009
28 May 2009
I do not like anything about me. I am sick of being alone. I am sick of being frustrated. I am sick of feeling like I am lost in the world. Then, I might as well add the fact that I am sick of the way I look. I have a friend, who has lost weight and she looks so good. The problem is - she has done it by not eating. I have talked to her about it, because I have been there, done that.... but, in a sick way, I am jealous of her. She is now thin, pretty, and even has a boyfriend, after her recent divorce. I feel like a fat ugly lump and need to do something about it.
Today is a new day and today I am starting back on the "habits" that will (hopefully) get me to where I need to be in the next couple weeks. I just need to stick with it... no matter what.
22 May 2009
05 May 2009
The CEO is a great guy and very down to earth. I have not once had a problem with him. He treats me with respect and introduces me to others with the highest regards. Several other people have made comments that he is old-fashioned and does not want to see women succeed or work in management roles. I don't see that, but I guess we are all equal. I have never got that feeling from him. I am not afraid to say Hi to him as I pass him or even laugh with him. He does not act like he is above the rest of us, so I don't feel intimidated by him. Should I? A lot of the women around me seem to keep their distance from him, because of his position within the company. He approaches me and talks to me. He jokes with me and laughs with me. He acts like I'm a human. Is that wrong?
24 April 2009
I know we both have so much going on. You tell me that if I need anything, just call. Well, when I do, you seem to be busy with other stuff. You used to call to check on me, but now it suddenly seems as if it's not necessary to check on me. When I have my melt-down, then you get concerned. Does it not concern you to keep me from melting down? Look for signs that the edge is near?
I guess I would like to know...
19 February 2009
I decided to go on a diet - counting calories and fat, yada yada yada. Same as before, but this time I can feel my obsessiveness kicking in and here we go, on this roller coaster all over. I watch my intake or limit it all together. After a month and a half, I am hitting a plateau... and I am almost certain, from past experiences, that I am not eating enough - not enough calories or fat - not enough of anything at all... of course, except water... I am apparently training to be the next human fish.
As if stepping on the scale isn't enough to ruin my world each and every day, I am finding myself being hard on myself - it seems like the depression is getting worse with the stress of my job. I feel miserable and really have no desire to interact with anyone. And then, if someone is having a bad day and I have encountered them, I feel that my attitude has created this contagious spiral. So now, what else, but feel even worse than I did an hour previous. I can't apologize enough and I can't fight my internal anger. I want to cry, I want to scream, but nothing works. I hate myself for who I am and how I'm ruining the lives of people around me. Why? I am so angry. I am caught in a trap... now I am back to my other issue - I pulled out a small blade and made a couple cuts in my skin. I bled, and I watched it, but the pain of my skin being pierced made me cry, as if all my anger was finally able to escape by feeling the pain I am causing others.
I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, knowing I am back into my downward spiral and I am scared.
I am scared and frustrated.