Living with an ED... and re-joining the gym

My son and I have been members of a gym for several years and we just joined a new one, closer to our house, better hours, more options, and something we can do together... let me explain a little though...

I have always been into working out, which is where my whole ED thing seriously started to spiral. I was sick of being teased and picked on at school and my parents didn't do much to soften the blow... my mom did more more of rubbing salt in the wounds.

Anyway... my son is a big kid. Our family is not well known for it's petite delicate frames. He is taller than me, his feet are 11's and he definitely outweighs me... it is like a big teddy bear... or a bull in a china shop. Depending on the situation. He has also been teased and picked on. He is quiet, soft-spoken, and would rather be to himself... which he kinda gets from me. But... he has a martial arts belt and so do I. We did it together. But no one would guess it, from the type of person he is. He is most likely to be teased, most likely to not fight back, but most likely to scare the hell out of someone if the instincts kick in. That's my boy and I love him.

Okay, back on topic here. In my early 20's, I met a guy who was big into working out. We tried to cook (and eat) healthy, and that kinda rubbed off on me. I worked full-time and took care of my dad. I made time to go to the Athletic Club and work out. I worked with a personal trainer. I exercised, I watched my food. I lost weight. I loved it!!! I could wear clothes that I hadn't been able to wear. I got compliments. Considering I was the ugly duckling, I loved hearing people tell me I looked good... although I was never able to graciously accept a compliment.

I lost weight, I worked out. I was happy, I felt good, I felt sexy, I felt like people noticed me.

Until they found out I had established an ED. Yep, I did. Not afraid to admit it. All workout, lots of water, little food. But I FELT PRETTY! Okay, sad excuse, but when you are wrapped up in it, you don't see what is going on. Like with a diet, you know what works and that is how you base your structure.

My dad was heavy, he had diabetes, he died of congestive heart failure. My mom was always heavy, she couldn't stay away from the snacks, and she has health issues also. My one brother has diabetes and heart problems. My second brother had diabetes, several heart attacks, and passed away due to heart failure. This is not a real good scenario for living my life and keeping my son healthy.

Once everyone found out that my weight loss was not a healthy one, I was treated like I had the plague. My world started spinning out of control and I couldn't stop. The voices, or should I say "demons" in my head kept on me. I was at the weight that I was my lowest... I was at, what they tell me, is my "ideal weight", which is why I have a hard time wrapping my head around.

To this day, I struggle with that "ideal weight". I try to explain to those who do our health risk assessment and my own doctors that that last time I was at my ideal weight, I was anorexic. I stand over 5'8" tall, I am muscular, my hands  are large, my structure is large. I cannot be a healthy ideal weight.

When I got pregnant, I really lost it. I knew I had to eat and my ex-husband made me eat. I hated it. I couldn't do it. I felt gross and disgusting. My anorexia turned to bulimia. My body didn't know which was it was going anymore. And then, in the midst of all the stress and anxiety of gaining weight, having to eat, feeling fat & bloated, stressing out... I spun back into the other side of my darkness... cutting. There was (and still is) something about that. Many people can't imagine it. Many can't understand it. Just like binging and purging... no one really can grasp that either.

There are many things that live in our darkness. I have these demons that continue to haunt me, even after 20+ years, a marriage ending in divorce, a happy healthy son, and routine excessive stress.

Okay, so we are back to the new gym. There are all body types, ages, and athletic abilities there. I feel like I can fit in. I want my son to feel comfortable and find a happiness within him. The last thing I need is for him to suffer the way I did.

I am working to make things comfortable for him. My mom is retired, so she does the cooking and much of the shopping. She complains about his eating habits and his snacking, but... seriously... SHE buys the crap he snacks on... Neither of them need it!!! Neither of them need the gallon of ice cream, the cookies, the chocolate, the chips, the other junk. 

I go shopping and buy the diet stuff, fat free stuff, mildly healthy stuff. I told my son if there is anything he wants me to buy, let me know, I will. I have also told him that just because Grandma makes a big meal, you DON'T have to clean your plate or eat everything!  If she wants to complain, she can take it up with me.

Okay, we have gone to the gym. I have hooked my son up with the personal trainer, to find out how to use the machines, what he wants to get out of this, and his whole nutrition/fitness thoughts. I think this has worked well. He is enjoying it.

Me, on the other hand, the demons still fill my head and make me think those thoughts. I see everyone working out. I want to be thin and feel pretty. I don't like how I look. I don't like anything about me, really. I want to feel sexy, but I struggle with that. I don't like looking in the mirror, I don't like my reflection, I don't like what (or who) I see. 

To be a good role model, I have to provide my son with guidance and good knowledge. I also have to battle my demons and fight with myself. I cannot let those thoughts fill his world, as his obsessive personality traits will lead him down the wrong path also. I learned from my mistakes, have to keep him from making those same ones, and still tell myself I can do it.

Struggling with any type of ED is difficult. To be honest, unless you have been through it, battled it, fought with it, you have no idea how hard it is or how strong the demons are. Those voices never seem to truly go away... they just get quieter.

 

The holidays are hard - I am a survivor - I need to confess

The amount of stress I deal with in my daily life is enough to send me over the edge some days.

It is times like this that my eating disorders and depression get the best of me. During the holidays, there is always so much food. That is how our family is... food, food, food... Yes, some may be healthy, but none is that good for you, in excess.

I live in this spiral. My family has always been heavy and, as a child, I can still remember my mom and dad both telling me, point blank, "if you keep eating like that, you are going to look like a horse". Okay, that those were my first memories of feeling that way.

I then dated a guy who, to be honest, was my first boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah, what little did I know was how toxic that would be for me. He worked in a bar, with another female. She was large and thought she was "all that".

I started working out because I was afraid that I would lose him to her if I got fat. I worked out religiously and even cut my eating down to 1500 calories (or less) per day, with no more than 10 grams of fat. If I couldn't count it, I didn't eat it. I did it, I lost weight. I felt like I looked absolutely fabulous. I got attention and felt "pretty", for the first time in my life.

Everybody in my family even thought I looked good. I worked so hard to be this way.

My mom was proud of me and so was my family, until they realized how I was doing it. I was anorexic. My world was in a different spin and it is so hard to break free.

There is so much more to this story that it is hard to include all the details, but I think the thing that pushed me to living in this world of darkness was that after he was protective and suspicious of me all the time, thinking I was going out on him, and doing things I shouldn't... it was him... he had been cheating on me... with the girl from the bar... who was, like, twice my size. What the hell am I missing here?

He will never know that what he did to me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally will always be the main root of what happens in my mind today.

I don't go a day without looking at myself and hating myself.

No one can understand how something that seems to simple can be so toxic, and possibly deadly.

I have been down this road (many, many times) and down several other roads, which I will share over time. I will share this, not only to help others, but to help get myself through the destructive behavior I experience over the holidays. These destructive ways do not stop at anorexia... it leads into bulimia, and even more extreme, such a cutting.

The stress and anxiety of the holidays cause many of us to suffer over and over...

PLEASE, IF YOU SUFFER FROM ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GET HELP.

LETTING IT CONTINUE, WITHOUT A SUPPORT SYSTEM, CAN BE DEADLY.

DON'T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM

AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!