19 February 2009

I am losing control again

It all started last fall when we did the health check. The nurse told me I was obese. Great, as if that didn't make my day at 7:00 in the morning. To add insult to injury, my ideal weight is at least 60lbs less than my current weight. Which, in retrospec, is the same weight I was at while I suffered from anorexia. Okay, so here we go again.

I decided to go on a diet - counting calories and fat, yada yada yada. Same as before, but this time I can feel my obsessiveness kicking in and here we go, on this roller coaster all over. I watch my intake or limit it all together. After a month and a half, I am hitting a plateau... and I am almost certain, from past experiences, that I am not eating enough - not enough calories or fat - not enough of anything at all... of course, except water... I am apparently training to be the next human fish.

As if stepping on the scale isn't enough to ruin my world each and every day, I am finding myself being hard on myself - it seems like the depression is getting worse with the stress of my job. I feel miserable and really have no desire to interact with anyone. And then, if someone is having a bad day and I have encountered them, I feel that my attitude has created this contagious spiral. So now, what else, but feel even worse than I did an hour previous. I can't apologize enough and I can't fight my internal anger. I want to cry, I want to scream, but nothing works. I hate myself for who I am and how I'm ruining the lives of people around me. Why? I am so angry. I am caught in a trap... now I am back to my other issue - I pulled out a small blade and made a couple cuts in my skin. I bled, and I watched it, but the pain of my skin being pierced made me cry, as if all my anger was finally able to escape by feeling the pain I am causing others.

I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, knowing I am back into my downward spiral and I am scared.

I am scared and frustrated.
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