28 November 2011
The holidays are hard - I am a survivor - I need to confess
The amount of stress I deal with in my daily life is enough to send me over the edge some days.
It is times like this that my eating disorders and depression get the best of me. During the holidays, there is always so much food. That is how our family is... food, food, food... Yes, some may be healthy, but none is that good for you, in excess.
I live in this spiral. My family has always been heavy and, as a child, I can still remember my mom and dad both telling me, point blank, "if you keep eating like that, you are going to look like a horse". Okay, that those were my first memories of feeling that way.
I then dated a guy who, to be honest, was my first boyfriend. I thought he was the best thing since sliced bread. Yeah, what little did I know was how toxic that would be for me. He worked in a bar, with another female. She was large and thought she was "all that".
I started working out because I was afraid that I would lose him to her if I got fat. I worked out religiously and even cut my eating down to 1500 calories (or less) per day, with no more than 10 grams of fat. If I couldn't count it, I didn't eat it. I did it, I lost weight. I felt like I looked absolutely fabulous. I got attention and felt "pretty", for the first time in my life.
Everybody in my family even thought I looked good. I worked so hard to be this way.
My mom was proud of me and so was my family, until they realized how I was doing it. I was anorexic. My world was in a different spin and it is so hard to break free.
There is so much more to this story that it is hard to include all the details, but I think the thing that pushed me to living in this world of darkness was that after he was protective and suspicious of me all the time, thinking I was going out on him, and doing things I shouldn't... it was him... he had been cheating on me... with the girl from the bar... who was, like, twice my size. What the hell am I missing here?
He will never know that what he did to me, verbally, mentally, and emotionally will always be the main root of what happens in my mind today.
I don't go a day without looking at myself and hating myself.
No one can understand how something that seems to simple can be so toxic, and possibly deadly.
I have been down this road (many, many times) and down several other roads, which I will share over time. I will share this, not only to help others, but to help get myself through the destructive behavior I experience over the holidays. These destructive ways do not stop at anorexia... it leads into bulimia, and even more extreme, such a cutting.
The stress and anxiety of the holidays cause many of us to suffer over and over...
PLEASE, IF YOU SUFFER FROM ANYTHING LIKE THIS, GET HELP.
LETTING IT CONTINUE, WITHOUT A SUPPORT SYSTEM, CAN BE DEADLY.
DON'T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT YOU HAVE BEEN A VICTIM
AND REALIZE THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!