25 January 2012

Here's one for you...

I was recently told "you are sexy and you know it".

Now that statement truly stopped me dead in my tracks. How can anyone think such a thing??

NO, NO I AM NOT! I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. I knew it was a losing battle. I dropped the subject right then and there, like a poison snake. The person who told me that has truly no idea what I have gone through, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And I just didn't feel like opening that can of worms up.

It is one thing to be told you look sexy, it kind of boosts your spirit and makes you feel good, but when you walk around and say "I am sexy... and I know it" then that is a whole different avenue of thinking. And trust me, that is one road I have NEVER been on.
There are those who can see themselves as sexy and not worry what others think, there are those who blend into the sidewalk and no one notices them, and then there are those who are constantly complimented, whether they believe it in their own hearts or not.

I wish people could see what I see when I look in the mirror. But they can't, They have never looked through my eyes, with my own mind.

I am giving thought to writing it all down, like a memoir, of what I go through on a regular basis. If not for anyone else, for me. If someone else reads it, then they would understand... and those people might be able to identify and realize they are not alone. What I suffer is a vicious cycle that doesn't stop. If I can help one person or let one person know they are not alone, I would feel good.

Until then, in my head, I will continue to scream "NO, NO I AM NOT SEXY! YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!"


Mamarazzi said...

a healthy amount of self esteem is a good thing! and it is sexy! ;)

i tried to reply to your email but it was bounced back to me. so reply to this via email and let me know your email address and i will add you to the mailing list for WWTK. maybe you transposed or dropped a letter.

Ado said...

So glad you linked up with us!
I would love to read that memoir - this was very compelling. (-: - Ado

Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Time to write that memoir!

jacqui said...

It must be hard to see something different in the mirror than what you hear from others.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of people...mostly female...who go through the same body image issues. And many find it extremely helpful to work with a professional about them.

I think it's great that it's talked about more now than it has been in the past. If you feel it would help you to write about it, I think you should.

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