Hitting this fall hard

Never did anything but one of the walks for breast cancer. Just did a 5k mud run (kinda). And have signed up for 2 more 5k walks, a 10k, and next years 5k mud run.

My trainer went off to school so I am on my own. Need to get my ass in gear and JUST DO IT!!!!

Makeup and dress up

I have a dinner to attend tonight. I'm dressed up (new dress), with makeup , my hair is down, and I got dressed, feeling pretty.

In the last hour, I suddenly don't feel as pretty. I look at myself in the mirror and am not happy with who I am. I feel like I suddenly am fat and ugly. I'm alone DND sad.

I hard events where I feel alone. All by myself.

All alone... And ugly....

Me and Food

I am hungry, but that is normal.

I look in the fridge.... We have a fridge (and freezer) full of food, but I can't bring myself to eat it.

It's not bad for me... It's just that I can't mentally get past calories, fat, and carbs. 

I feel as though I'm going back to a bad place with my eating habits. I can't get out of my own head.

I hate how this feels... And these demons have a strong hold on me. I can't seem to shake them.

I'm trapped in my own thoughts.

E.D. Or D.E.?

I know I have issues with food. Wouldn't necessarily say I have an ED (eating disorder).... I have more of DE (disordered eating).... Which, in my opinion, are different!

Anyone lead out there fighting head demons?

How

How can I lose weight and still be lumpy?

It's strange...

I dyed my hair... She died her hair

I am going back to school and earned my degree and and recognition... She decided to go back to school.,,

I work with a personal trainer at the gym... She started working with a trainer at her gym...

Is this just wierd or what?

Random

Why?

I look at photos of pretty girls. I look at photos of toned and muscular females. I look at women in bikinis.

I wish I could look like them. I hate how I look. I am not pretty or sexy.

I feel like a piece of shit.

Why??

Difficult

Holidays of any type are hard.

Next week will he 5 years since I list my brother. Today is Father's Day and I miss my dad  my ex has left my sons life so he doesn't get Father's Day. 

I look at photos of pretty, thin, sexy women and feel so entirely fat, ugly and disgusting. I want to disappear. I hate how I feel. I wish I could find happiness but I am struggling so hard.

Body image

If you look at those I follow on Instagram, it's a lot if fitness and things like that.

I look at the photos and wish I could look like them. I wish I could be sexy. I wish I could be happy.

I am having struggles right now.