Six Word Saturday

My life has twists and turns.

New paths

I have been thinking, the past few weeks, about if it is time to make a change in what I am doing. I don't feel like going to work. I get easily frustrated. I even took the time to update my resume and post it online a couple places. (there are only a few people with whom I have entrusted that information because I know I don't feel like explaining my life to the world).  I have graduated with a degree, and I going back for another two years. It's been a rush... or running in circles... whatever happens first. I feel an overwhelming frustration that is hard to express, especially since no one seems to understand my frustration. Because I have an issue with depression and anxiety... and obsessive compulsion, it it hard to "properly" express myself, especially without going off the deep end and breaking down into a dirty mess of tears and hyperventilation. I don't always know if I am just weird, overcritical, hypersensitive, and stressed, or if I am honestly not alone.

A good start

I never know how my day is going to start, when I walk into work and turn the phones on.

I have to admit that when I had one of the guys ask me what type of cologne I was wearing, and that I smelled good, it made me smile.

silly little things like that...

Feeling Beachie - 01.06.12

Follow Friday Four Fill-In Fun

Each week Hilary at Feeling Beachie lists four statements with blanks for us to fill in on our own blogs. She is always looking for new ideas. If you send her some statements and she uses them you will be made co-host. It’s so much fun and interesting to read everyone’s answers.

This week’s statements:

1. _Being spontaneous_ is not my strongest virtue.

2. _Lunch_ is my favorite meal of the day

3. _Cheese-filled pretzels_ is my _weakness/craving_

4. Whenever _mass confusion_ happens, I always _panic slightly_.

01.06.12 - Friday Blog Follow

Never Growing Old

Truth - depression sucks!

In several of my past posts, you might have noticed that I haven't really been myself. Well, I haven't. I have been diagnosed, and have suffered, with clinical depression for over 10 years. Then throw panic/anxiety attacks on top of that, and you have me... one rather slightly disturbed, messed up lady. The holidays always seem to really push the envelope for me. I don't really enjoy them like I used to. I feel bad because my son loves them. I just can't seem to get into them.

Anyway, I went to my doctor yesterday and we had a nice discussion. It is time to change up my meds. The ones I have been on have seemed to work for quite a while, but things are changing and the meds just aren't doing it for me at this point.

I start my new meds tomorrow, once I get them filled. I am hoping these help because I hate feeling so dark. I don't want to get out of bed, I don't want to socialize, I just want to be a hermit and stay in my pajamas. I don't have the energy and I don't like the way I feel, the way I look, the way I am, who I am... and the list could go on for pages, if I let it.

I guess, what I want to say is that if there seems like something is not quite right, don't be afraid to look into it. It took me several years to get an accurate diagnosis and it helped me move forward and be who I am. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Unless you are divine, it probably won't get better without therapy and meds. It doesn't hurt to check.

2012 Resolutions

I would love to make resolutions, but they all end up in the same place.

Part way through the year, I continue to look at my list... and wonder "what the hell were you thinking when you wrote THAT?" Maybe it would be just as easy to bypass the whole list thing, and chalk it up to a bad experience... or continual failure.

Are you making a list? Checking it twice? Or just praying it will work itself out?

Depressed...

I am not sure what is going through my head. I am stressed, I am frustrated, I am lost, I am lonely, I am tired. I don't want to sing to the radio. I don't feel like laughing. I came home from work and quietly ate dinner. I then went and laid down with my cat and fell asleep. I don't have much to say. My son is worried. He doesn't understand what is wrong or why I am so quiet. I can't really explain this to him. I don't know what is wrong or why I feel like I do. Part of me feels lost inside, lonely, and sad. I don't want to socialize. If I could, I would curl up and stay in bed. I wish I didn't feel this way.

Sleeping the weekend away

For the last three days, I have spent more time sleeping than anything.  Got back on my BP meds sat, so my heartbeat slowed. I could sleep. Saturday we had tuna helper.  TOO MUCH SODIUM!!! My hands were so swollen and sore. Can't do that again! Feel good sleeping. My Kitty is spoiled - he has snuggled with me for three days. He's gonna miss me tomorrow when I go back to work.

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Mama Kat's Prompt - Tell us about something you punched.

Yes, this is kind of a risque prompt, but it's my past, my history, so I guess I might as well face it.

When I was in high school, my depression and anxiety has control over me. At that time, I did not have the treatment in place to deal with my "issues".

I had a situation where I got very upset and very frustrated. I remember, very vividly, when I punched the stone wall outside of the commons at a high school dance. I was upset, yet I don't remember what happened, or why. All I know is that my right hand is messed up, my knuckles beaten and bruised, with much arthritis to follow.

I did it, I punched a stone wall, I messed up my hand, I will suffer daily, as the weather changes, or as my body gets older.

It was stupid and I won't do it again... wish I hadn't done it in the first place...