New Years Eve BUMMER!

Okay, tell me what's wrong here...

I am 36 and single - and am sitting at home on New Years Eve.

My mom, is 70 and widowed - and she has plans...

WHAT is wrong with this picture?????

The Holidays ARE OVER!

Okay, they are finally over... kinda. Christmas has come and gone... food has come and gone... family has come and gone. This year I feel like a scrooge... or more like the Grinch. It's a toss up. I didn't feel like talking, chatting, or even venting. I just wanted to curl up and hide. I stressed over the holiday, I cried at being alone, I got depressed when I stepped on the scale, and now I just want to disappear. How many diet pills can you take before they help? I am laying here with all my kitty cats, tears in my eyes, sick of feeling lost and alone. It's during the holidays that I seem more inclined to hate my family... they are all so pretty and perfect... I told my mom that she is lucky to have such pretty granddaughters because her one and only daughter is such a disappointment. I hate myself and the holidays haven't helped...

Keep Your Nose Out Of Other Peoples Business

I guess there isn't much more that can piss me off except someone else sticking their nose into business that DOES NOT concern them! And then, what makes it worse, is that they only know about it because of a 2nd hand person to begin with. The original person that this was handled with is not even involved. It was not an issue and it was laid to rest. A 2nd person opted to use their knowledge (and apparent LACK of intelligence) on the topic and tell others... BIG MISTAKE!! And then, to fuel the fire, one the the 3rd hand people opted to use that information and slap me in the face with it! None of THEIR concern.. None of THEIR business... they should have stopped while they were ahead and just kept their mouth shut... I almost totally lost it! Man, it WOULD NOT have been pretty! I did end of losing it, but I had a mental breakdown instead... tears and all. No one knew the whole honest truth and no one will. It will simmer inside me and no one will know the details. And then, to make it even worse, the 3rd person made several more comments to me... about more issues they had no history on... So instead of pissing me off over something they should have kept quiet on in the first place, they made it worse by injecting comments when they didn't know the whole story!!! I am so damn pissed right now I could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Thanks for listening*

It's amazing

I can have the best day of the week - everything goes great - people are happy, I feel good... but one wrong thing can shatter me... bring me to tears, and drive me straight into a hole. I hit a wall and don't want to deal with anyone! Life Sucks! (as I sit here crying...already this morning!)

Now I'm NOT Happy

Okay - if I do something wrong - tell me... don't pretend that there is nothing wrong. If it's not a big deal, then drop it... but when I hear about this shit from 3 other people, then I get pissed. If it's not a big enough issue to talk to me about, then it's not a big enough issue to tell everyone else about. And you wonder why I don't say anything to anyone! It always turns around to be my fault... and people don't know the whole story!!!! I am SO SICK of this shit! This makes me madder than hell... at which point... everyone can just go straight there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Full-Time Mom

I am not sure where I am going with this blog, but I need to express myself. I am so tired of people who have a spouse, or even joint custody, bitching and moaning, talking about how hard it is to be a single parent. You have NO CLUE! You are a single parent part time - you have the time to walk into the house and not hear a sound, or climb in a hot bath and know that the kids are busy and you can relax. But a full-time single parent is different. I work full-time and am a mom full-time. I love my child with all my heart and he is the center of my universe - I wouldn't trade him for the world.. although there are days where a few minutes would be nice. I can't just disappear in a bubble bath because he is into something... or pounding on the door. I can't chat on the phone... because when I have a phone call, it appears to be the ONLY time he wants to talk. I can't tell someone to watch him for a few minutes while I run an errand or two. He is at my side, chained, my charge. Next time you have to complain about not getting 4 minutes to yourself to finish a phone call or 20 minutes for a hot shower, think about those of us who are true full-time SINGLE parents, with full-time jobs, who have a busy life from the time our eyes open to the time our eyes close. We need to be mom and dad, protector and punisher, teacher and student, friend and adult. Just try my shoes and tell me how hard it really is!!

For the most part...

It's been a good week... except, of course, when I asked a question that I knew better than to ask, to the person I asked, because I knew damn well what he would say, and he would point out a problem I have that I can't seem to shake - I have trouble with my self-esteem... but I knew that! He told me I do a good job and know my stuff, and am a smart person. I guess there is a silver lining in the rain cloud... And then, last night, I had 3 people tell me that they appreciate me for all I do, even the most meanial tasks, without payment. I then received a token of appreciation for all the work I do to help out and volunteer when needed. And then, today, I was told that someone actually admires me... for what I do, how hard I work, how I try to keep focused, being a single mom, a full-time employee, a part-time intern, and trying to be a mom, a friend, and a good employee. That made me feel good, to have someone tell me that they think I do a good job.

So, in all aspects of the situation... if someone does something good or puts others before themselves... don't forget to tell them thank you... those two little words can go a long way and mean so much...

When you ask...

I have learned, but need to re-iterate, that if you have the courage to ask questions, you need to have the courage to accept the answers you will receive...

Left Behind

Have you ever felt that you become a part of something and all is great...and then suddenly things start to change and you end up left behind?

It's Been A While

I know I haven't written for a while... I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I am doing. I feel so lost and alone - I feel stranded with no where to go. I am not sure what is going on. I have been frustrated and angry, stressed and confused. Right now, I hate myself and hate everything about me. I just want to curl up. I am so unhappy and so confused, but why? I feel like everything I do is wrong, and no one really cares anymore. I am back to obsessing with my weight - I'm on the scale every day and I am unhappy. Several days this past week, I have refused to step on it because I knew, in the back of my mind, that the numbers were up... instead of going ballistic because I suddenly weighed too much, I opted to just ignore in and assume that my life is going down the tubes... I am in such a funk right now, I'm not sure how to get out. I am depressed about my weight, my looks, my body, I figure everything that goes wrong is my fault, I should be able to do everything without asking for help, and I should be the one who worry about everyone else first. Life sucks!