Kinda Disappointed

I have had a long weekend and am feeling the after-effects this morning. This weekend was a big one for me, a lot of energy and much excitement. I pushed myself to a limit I never felt I would reach, but I did it. But I feel disappointed... not with myself... but with those who let me down. I guess, the way I see it, is... don't make promises you can't (or wont) keep, and don't bother saying it if you don't mean it. I had several people that made promises to my family this weekend and then they backed out on them... not even with so much as a sorry - more of an "I just got lazy and decided not to" and the "I suddenly got tied up and just couldn't do it". I am more upset and frustrated than angry... I want to cry... I feel like I am not worth it... like my family isn't worth it.

Please, before you make promises, think about if you can keep them... if you can't, then don't, if something comes up, please show courtesy... or Just Don't Bother! I don't need this disappointment... I have enough in my life... I don't need you to let me down too!

Trusting People

I have a question. Have you ever talked to someone about something in general and then had them talk to someone else, turning the words around to make it look like it was all in their favor? Making it seem like they were the one who should have been handling it all, instead of being asked why?

I will trust people until they give me a reason not to and this is one person who has just blown the trust factor right out. She has turned things around to sound like she should have done the job because everyone wanted her to, not that someone asked why she wasn't the one doing it... Oh well, but just remember, the best person for the job gets the job done....

I Just Suffered a Loss

My kitty cat died in her sleep last night - she was almost 20 and just finally passed on. I woke to find her this morning and it's been tear-central since that time. I feel sick to my stomach and have a splitting headache. I also had to tell my son that his buddy is gone, to heaven. That didn't go well either. I just want to curl up and cry.

Climbing Up and Crashing Down

I suffer from clinical depression and anxiety, which seems to go really well with the whole eating disorder and cutting thing, but that's a whole other issue at this time.

Anyway - I live my life day to day, in a calm level state... I try not to get too excited because I come down way too hard.

This past weekend was exciting and I had a blast - I seemed to float on cloud 9 for hours, but then my mind started cranking and I started assuming the worst... even the logical didn't make sense. I assumed the worst, assumed it was me, assumed it was my fault, figured it was too good to be true and somehow, I totally fucked things up. I didn't come down slowly - I plummeted down - to the concrete below, where I am laying now, in a messy pile, too exhausted and depressed to want to pull myself together.

I hate feeling like this. Maybe it's easier to stay a messy pile of goo on the ground than fear falling so fast and hard again. Maybe that's why I try to not be too happy...

I want to cry... I hate feeling like this...

I Am Having a Guy-Issue

There is this guy in my life, who has been here for what seems like forever. We are close and can talk about anything... and I mean ANYTHING! We talk shopping, we talk work, we talk kids, we talk sex, we talk erotica. I mean ANYTHING! We have a bond that we share deep inside. He makes my tummy do loops and makes me excited. I love being around him and just the smell of his cologne takes me to the edge of reality. He is soft and gentle. He is caring and passionate. He is patient and kind. What we share is incredible. I am able to share with him, what I don't trust anyone else with... my heart, my soul, my deepest secrets, my strongest desires. And now I have met someone. He is quiet and shy, but strong and supportive. His hugs make me feel secure and his kisses make me melt. I long to feel his kisses as he holds me close. But he doesn't excite me inside like I feel with A. Is this wrong? Am I just confused? Is it possible to have a caring and supportive bond with one person, but feel such a strong physical attraction to another?

What Next?

Remember when I had the meltdown because the scale readout said I was somewhere between overweight and obese? Well, now they came back and told me that I need to lose between 45 & 50 pounds. Oh sure, no problem... last time I got that low, I was anorexic... but if they insist...

Okay, I so feel miserable enough as it is... and then this... and then I am standing up in a wedding in a few weeks... oh, life sucks right now!

Betrayed...

Have you ever gotten depressed because you suddenly felt betrayed?

You think maybe it's all in your head, but it keeps coming back around...

Maybe I am unimportant... maybe I am useless... maybe I am worthless...

OVERWHELMED!!!!!!

Have you ever had that time where you start to wonder if you will ever catch up, if you will ever get everything done, if you will ever be able to think straight in the sea of confusion?

It started yesterday when I felt like I was still buried alive and really wasn't sure which direction to go in, as everything has a priority and everything needs to be done yesterday.

I go to bed at night thinking about everything I need to do, my mind won't shut down thinking of everything that is waiting for me, and then I walk in in the morning and hit the sea of "stuff" with no idea what to do first. I need to do everything, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to do a damn thing!!!!!

AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay then, they tell me I'm OBESE!!

Having a melt-down here... which is not good, from my point of view...

We had a wellness meeting and they took all the bad things... weight, height, body fat, BMI, you name it... all those things that the people with eating disorders despise.

Well, my day went to hell in a handbasket at that point... I did go down in weight... yippee skippee!!!! That's good... right? But then they said my BMI is less than 30 - so I am still "clinically" overweight. But then there is the ever popular Body Fat!!! The scale says I'm 42%, the book says I should be 33%, so I am now... "clinically obese"... If the overweight wasn't bad enough, the obese thing has just kicked my ass......

I Hate the Feeling of Not Knowing

I hate the feeling of not knowing what is coming next. Have you ever known that something was going on and something was going to happen, but you're left in the dark? Looking over your shoulder? Waiting on that fateful moment?

I hate the feeling of not knowing...

Yes, but...

Oh, right now rationale is out of the question... I have experienced a few side effects and health issues and no one seems to understand my rationalization.

My blood sugar has been running really low... because I haven't been eating enough... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat...so I don't really eat...

My iron count has dropped to a low and I have been drained with a major headache for 3 days and it has a lot to do with not eating right... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't really eat.

I can wear short skirts and show off my body... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I change to something big and baggy.

I am so hungry and really need to eat because my body feels like I have been hit by a semi... but... yes, but the scale still says I'm fat... so I don't...

Yes, but...

Real Life "what NOT to wear"

I am a people-watcher. I am very self-conscious of what I wear and how I look. If I feel I look fat or the clothes look too tight, or whatever, I change. If I am uncomfortable, I won’t wear it. It may also depend on my mood. And then there are some places that certain outfits are not appropriate.

But then there are people out there who wear things that I would not be caught dead in, unless I knew I could pull it off… kinda like a “what not to wear” episode.

There is one person in our office who tries to wear things that she SHOULD NOT wear – she doesn’t have the body or the grace to wear some of these outfits.

Recently she wore an outfit that concerns me… her body is not proportioned and she has little or no grace. Her body is “thick” and some outfits don’t do it for her… she actually looks trampy.

Her legs are short and thick, she has no muscle tone, she is pasty white and the dress she is wearing only comes down about 6 inches below her butt. She doesn’t wear panty hose, she wears sloppy flats (or goes barefoot), and the dress is a bright color, which draws more attention to the “not to wear” part. She sounds like a horse walking down the hall, especially when she is barefoot. And then she flops in her chair and rattles the whole place. Taking no concern to her dress being too short to do that.

Obviously gracefulness is not in her vocabulary… and neither is professionalism.

She always looks like she has just rolled out of bed or she got dressed in the dark.

If you don’t have the body, some outfits were not meant to be worn… especially in public!!!!!

I Need Some Advice

I have a good friend who is getting married. She has changed her whole life for this guy, including letting him move in with her (3 years ago), take her car, manage her finances, and instill some not-so-good habits. He was not upfront and honest with her in the beginning, so now she is feeling the repercussions.

He is a great guy, but has problems being responsible. Since he has moved in, he has changed jobs at least 5 times (because he doesn't like them), driven them deeply into financial debt, and has assisted her in gaining back every pound she has ever lost (and more). Now they look like each other, heavy-set and dependent on each other.

They still insist, even in their financial state, of going to the bar several nights a week, eating out frequently, and buying more things they don't truly need. I don't know if they realize that they need to pay back what they use the credit cards for?

Anyway, they are getting married and, from knowing her all these years, she wants someone in her life to help her not be alone. She is not good at being alone and I think that is why she is doing this. She just needs to have someone there. This wedding they are planning is extravagant and way over the top (and they are paying for it?????). The wedding party has to travel out of town and spend 3 nights in a hotel.

My problem is that she asked me to help, which is fine, but she has gotten an attitude with me because I don't have free time to be there when she needs me. I have a full-time job and work 11 hours a day. I have a family and I have responsibilities to them. I don't sit at home waiting for her to call and she is unhappy that I don't have a free schedule.

Part of me is so angry with her "mightier than tho" attitude, that I really would like to tell her to stick it in her ear, but I can't . Too bad she doesn't understand...

Currently wrong place wrong time

Have you ever done something that feels so right, but you know is wrong?

There is this very special man who has come into my life and he is my best friend, my confidant, and even more... but with the situation we have and the situations we are in, this is probably considered wrong.

I understand that maybe our current situations are us being (temporarily) in the wrong place at the wrong time... and soon everything will be right, but for now... it still feels so right.

Got a Dilemma...

Okay - there is this guy (Steve) that I have been friends with for almost 10 years. We are good friends and can talk about almost anything... actually, we can talk about EVERYTHING! From work to food, to movies, to sex. He confides in me and I can confide in him. He is awesome and I wouldn't trade him for the world.

My problem is - he is married. No biggie... it's not that kinda "friendship". Him & I can talk and laugh about obscure things and, right now, his marriage is one of spite - his wife has threatened him if he leaves her, so he needs someone to talk to and I am apparently it. Which is fine - I'm a shoulder to lean on and an ear to listen. If he's comfortable talking to me - so be it.

Actually, the problem has nothing to do with his wife - it's his wife's friend (Tracy). She doesn't have many guy friends and she has been married for 15 years... during which her and her husband were the only ones - neither of them had dated others, they have even separated and gotten back together.

I would rather be friends with guys because they are not so judgemental and backstabbing - if they have a problem, they will say it to your face, not get an attitude.

ANYWAY... Tracy seems to get upset or jealous when Steve and I talk. I can tell by her attitude that she is having issues, and it bothers me because I am not doing anything wrong, but she is nasty when she is in that mood and I don't even bother. But it hurts me... Steve doesn't seem too concerned because he keeps in contact with me and we are still good friends.

I wonder if Tracy's mad at me, or if she's just jealous that I am "one of the guys" who doesn't get offended by sexual jokes, blonde jokes, inappropriate statements or comments... and she is just left to be in her own little world. The guys I hang out with are great - they buy me lunch, call me sweetheart, tell me I'm pretty, compliment me, include me, and all those things.

Is it possible that someone could actually be jealous of what I have?

And why should it concern her? It's not her life? In most cases, this whole thing wouldn't faze me, but her attitude is what throws me off guard.

Frustrated...

I had a conversation with someone who wants to be more than a friend. He talks to me like he has the world figured out and then he tried to tell me how to handle my life and my child. He has never been married, divorced, or even has kids. I am frustrated. I guess when he started telling me how to feel or what to do, that pushed me to the edge. I understand that the past is the past and you need to get past it, but some of us have skeletons that don't go away, just like the eating disorder ghosts that seem to constantly haunt us (mine are along the lines of abuse). I got very upset when he started telling me what to do, especially when he didn't listen to what I was saying. He has a very strong personality... which would be fine when my attitude is layed back, but when my bull-headedness comes through, there is gonna be a head-butt. He controlled the conversation, he told me what I should be doing, he told me what to tell my son, he told me I need to forget the past, and he told me I need to see a shrink - at that point - I LOST IT!!!! Do NOT tell me how to live, do NOT tell me how to raise my son, do NOT tell me to see a shrink... DO NOT TELL ME WHAT I NEED TO DO!!!!! I guess it's better to choose my friends wisely...

I am SOOO Excited

I got an email on one of my blogs from one of the vendors/websites I have bannered on my site. The marketing gal emailed me and told me that they have been able to track quite a few visits through the banner on my site. They want me to be a "test subject spokesperson" for their products... Awesome! So Exciting!

Does anyone have strange quirks?

I am sitting here, eating chips and suddenly realized I have some odd quirks... does anyone else?

Mine, that I can think of right now, are:

* I have to eat all the curled over potato/nacho chips first - the folded over ones taste better
* Snickers bars - have to eat the nougat first and save the peanuts and caramel for last
* Jelly Beans - I pick through the whole bag and eat all the yellows first
* Jujifruit candies - eat all the yellow and red first, throw out the black
* Little Debbie Peanut Butter bars - separate the layers and eat them individually
* I have to have a right and left sock...
* If I get my socks on and feel a fuzzy, I have to take it out - can't live with a fuzzy in my sock.

Let's see, anything else?

Once Again - Gotta Vent

One more time... I overheard someone say something about me that is none of their business. It is none of anyone's business what I do or who I talk to. No one should be concerned about my abilities. I'm not sure it the anger being portrayed when she talks about me is jealousy, anger, animosity, or what ever... but I am getting flipping sick and tired of it! It's none of her business and I don't deserve her drag through the dirt... I don't talk shit about her, but this is really pissing me off!!!

I needed to vent and get this off my chest before I stress myself out and totally lose it!!!!

It's none of her business!!!!!!! And it'll really piss me off if the other person feels the need to answer her because, being a manager, that's BAD!!!!!

People Dont Understand

Okay, I am frustrated... especially with people who don't seem to understand...

I am a single full-time mom, who works full time. I would like to have a life. I would like to find happiness. I would like to have enough time to myself to take a hot bubble bath without someone pounding on the door...

But it just isn't happening. I am happy with my life, as it is the one I chose. I divorced my ex because he was irresponsible and abusive. At that point, I figured, if I was going to be a single mom, I would do it myself!!!!

Anyway, where this is all coming from is that I just received an email from a friend who is upset with me because I don't have time for them. They are single, never-married, no children, and just one job.

This has upset me because, unless you have been in my shoes (or any single parent who works full time), you have no right or possible reason to feel the desire to judge who I am or what I am doing. As I have always said, to my friends and to my child, that my family and job comes first. My theory is that either you accept it and deal with it or get the hell away from me.

I am angry that a "friend" would turn on me like that, but then again, maybe they weren't really a friend to begin with. I am happy with the ones who seem to stand by me and feel I have come along way. I also have several that are married with kids who tell me that they admire me for all I do, because it's not easy.

I know I have many people who tell me how good I am doing and how strong of a person I am, but one person with a bad attitude really took the wind out of my sails... I can only try... My child is mine forever. I guess friends come and go... but true friends are there through thick and thin. I have so many true friends and I love them for being here for me.

No Life... For Now

I have found out, during this past week and a half, that I have no life. It's not a bad thing... but it's not a good thing either.

My child has been sick with the cold that is going around, so he has been coughing, with a sore throat. I am still working full-time, and fighting the cold also. For the past week, I have worked all day and then come home to a hot bath and went to bed. I have probably slept more this past week than I normally do in a month. I am still fighting it, but people are starting to wonder if I still exist. Between work and sleep, I haven't even had the energy to log into the computer. I would come home, turn it on, lay down, doze off, get up, turn it off, and go back to bed.

This past week and a half have totally sucked... I can't wait until everyone is feeling better again...

Little About Me

I have decided to tell you a little more about me. I know in my posts, I talk about the demons I face...

I have gone back to the doctor this week and things are piling up. Several years ago, I started seeing a doctor because my esteem was lower than dirt. As I started to build that back up, she moved me to a doctor to work more indepth - way back when, I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression (one of the worst levels), anxiety disorder, and OCD. I have been working on taming those skeletons in my closet, but do not seem to be succeeding. With the meds and the diagnosis, I am also compounding my eating disorder (which never went away), my occasional cutting, and my lower than low self-esteem.

Each day I have been struggling - I don't eat, some days I just want to sleep, my mind tells me that people are against me, everything that goes wrong is my fault, I can't do anything right... The past month has been hard for me and I truly appreciate the people that give me their input and insite...

I just felt it was time to be open and honest about the demons that I face everyday from sun up to sun down... Thank you.

I Know I've Said It Before, but the Maternal Instincts...

I know I have mentioned this topic before, but it has surfaced again and has me beside myself. My son has been accused of being mean to another child, who is younger than him and smaller in size. My son is a good kid and spends a lot of time with younger kids and helps look after them, but this one kid has a history of being "difficult". He is a tattle-tale and whines to get his way. They have blamed my son for doing mean things to him. My son ends up in tears and pleading with me that he did not do those things. I feel bad because I can tell, in my heart, that he is telling me the honest truth that he did NOT do this stuff, but other kids are saying different (then again, what boy wants to get in trouble when there are 20 others who make good scape goats?) I have gone through the emotions of being angry, frustrated, hurt, confused, betrayed, lied to, and upset. I am probably taking it worse than him because my Maternal Instinct is kicking in... which is what is truly pissing me off!!! I guess it's my saying... you can mess with me and I will defend myself, but DO NOT mess with my mom or my son... then you're treading on thin ice and have to mess with me. I have one person telling me that the others are blaming my son, but no one is coming forward and telling me, to my face, that my son is the culprit. If they are good parents and, if they know my son and myself, then I would expect the common courtesy of them telling me of the trouble to my face and letting me deal with it on my own terms... unless it's all hear-say and no one has made a positive ID. Like I said, you can mess with me and I will fight my battles, but DO NOT mess with my mom or my child because then I will get upset...

I'm So Bummed Out....

I don't know what it is, but my mind starts to play tricks on me and I suddenly feel as if I have done or said something wrong. I have learned, over the past year, that it is usually just a figment of my imagination and my anxiety is kicking up and rearing it's head.... I know I shouldn't let my mind get the best of me, but I am so used to be shot down and torn apart, that when something seems off, I just go ahead an accept the blame... I hate feeling this way because it is really hard to deal with and live with. I have suffered from anxiety for several years and, it seems like, lately it has been getting worse. Maybe it's a cause of my low self-esteem... maybe my low self-esteem is the cause of my anxiety... I wish I knew. I wish I could understand it. I guess I need to work this problem out... Everyone is starting to think I am a nut-case (which, depending on the day of the week, may be a valid evaluation!). I get frustrated and angry. I shut down and my introvert personality starts to build walls.. unfortunately the walls seem to close... in on me... HELP ME... PLEASE!!!