11 January 2012
The voices in my head
This week has been constant running. I have not had time to think and stop. Monday, I worked all day and then had a meeting that night. Tuesday, I worked all day and then had a dinner event.
I started taken my new medicine last Friday, so I have been working to get used to it. I haven't been hungry lately and I am not sure if it's the medicine. I guess that is a side effect... so I am not sure if it's truly the medicine or if it's a mind-thing. Either way, I haven't been eating. I am actually, not really hungry, and my body doesn't seem to be craving food, but the voices in my head tell me I should eat because it's something I do, but then the "other" voices tell me that if I'm not hungry, don't eat because not eating will help lose weight. I want to lose weight. I hate how I feel and how I look. I have been through this before. If I can get past the mental hunger, I will be fine. Just a couple days and I can feel better. I haven't eaten much today either. I have an aching head, but nothing I can't live with. I know that if I get over the initial bump in the road, I can cut my eating without going nuts.
I don't know if you understand what I am saying, and you might not, and I wouldn't expect you to, but I needed to write, to clear my head.
These are the types of "discussions" I find happening within me all the time. I have these "battles of good and evil" or should I say "evil and just-plain-bad" in my head almost constantly. I know the difference between right and wrong, but then there is the "well, it's not COMPLETELY wrong if..."
I hate these struggles and I wish I could overcome these, but some days are worse than others. Today, I can't concentrate. I ate two oranges (only against my own protest) and those didn't do anything. I drink enough water to float the Titanic. I have lettuce in the fridge, but that would be food. I should have a protein bar, to curb my headache, but, once again, that is food... with even more calories.
I am not sure what brought me to this edge this time, but it's full-force, pulling and pushing me strong... which direction though? Thanks for listening to me... now if only I could get the voices in my head to listen...