19 April 2012
Today... a new day...
I have figured that since my son and I started the new gym, I have been there more in the past two weeks than I was at the other one in the past 6 months. I have been there at least every other day since we started. This is good because I truly need to get back into working out.
There is a girl at the gym who is training for a fitness competition and she is really shaping up. It makes me envious and kinda jealous. I wish her all the best of luck - she has come a long way in just a few months... and competition is around the corner.
I worked with the trainer last night and that has totally inspired me. I ache and hurt today... I used muscles I forgot I had, or guess I never knew I owned. He helped me work my upper body, as my legs are good, but the rest of me needs help (well not that much, but still).
I have found that the feeling of the sore muscles and being able to feel them flex is kind of a rush. I want to tone them and build them. I want to work on them.
And then there are other reasons... summer is coming... I sooooo do not want to be fat and ugly. I don't want to go into summer feeling gross. Yes, I do wear a two-piece suit, but I find my flaws... even in my own eyes. Although I people watch and there are other people out there that should be more aware of what they wear in public... but that is another issue... or story... or whatever!
Anyway. Another big thing is that "Mr. J" is leaving for vacation. I am going to miss him, I will admit it, but there are days that I won't... Anyway, for a long time, he has told me he thought I was pretty and that I looked sexy. I loved how that made me feel. I always loved to dress up because I felt good about myself and felt pretty. He would compliment me, and I would receive other compliments also. But lately, I haven't felt that way. I haven't felt like dressing up. I feel like it wouldn't matter anyway. His personality has changed and it's like he suddenly doesn't notice me at all. That's fine, I guess. I shouldn't hold my breath. Who knows what the issue is? Oh well. I guess that is something else going through my mind. He will be gone for over a week. If I commit myself to the gym and start working on myself, I wonder if I will notice a difference by the time he gets back? Would he notice? I wonder? I guess I would like to be able to show him what (and who) he is missing my acting like a schmuck!! By the time he gets around to noticing, I should (if all goes well) be ready to tell him... kiss this... but then again, that is a whole other story..........
And so the mind continues to turn...
I am thinking (yes, as dangerous as it might be) that I need to commit my mind and body to this. To get the motivation, to convince myself I can do it, to stick with it, to succeed, to feel good about myself, to love myself in my own skin again.
I used to feel comfortable in my own skin, but lately, it has been hard. There are days when that is the hardest thing to do.
I want to feel comfy again. I want to be able to smile when I look in the mirror. I want to be able to wear clothes I don't like myself in now. I want to be myself. It gets hard to get up and get dressed when you avoid looking in the mirror.