New Years Eve BUMMER!

Okay, tell me what's wrong here...

I am 36 and single - and am sitting at home on New Years Eve.

My mom, is 70 and widowed - and she has plans...

WHAT is wrong with this picture?????

The Holidays ARE OVER!

Okay, they are finally over... kinda. Christmas has come and gone... food has come and gone... family has come and gone. This year I feel like a scrooge... or more like the Grinch. It's a toss up. I didn't feel like talking, chatting, or even venting. I just wanted to curl up and hide. I stressed over the holiday, I cried at being alone, I got depressed when I stepped on the scale, and now I just want to disappear. How many diet pills can you take before they help? I am laying here with all my kitty cats, tears in my eyes, sick of feeling lost and alone. It's during the holidays that I seem more inclined to hate my family... they are all so pretty and perfect... I told my mom that she is lucky to have such pretty granddaughters because her one and only daughter is such a disappointment. I hate myself and the holidays haven't helped...

Keep Your Nose Out Of Other Peoples Business

I guess there isn't much more that can piss me off except someone else sticking their nose into business that DOES NOT concern them! And then, what makes it worse, is that they only know about it because of a 2nd hand person to begin with. The original person that this was handled with is not even involved. It was not an issue and it was laid to rest. A 2nd person opted to use their knowledge (and apparent LACK of intelligence) on the topic and tell others... BIG MISTAKE!! And then, to fuel the fire, one the the 3rd hand people opted to use that information and slap me in the face with it! None of THEIR concern.. None of THEIR business... they should have stopped while they were ahead and just kept their mouth shut... I almost totally lost it! Man, it WOULD NOT have been pretty! I did end of losing it, but I had a mental breakdown instead... tears and all. No one knew the whole honest truth and no one will. It will simmer inside me and no one will know the details. And then, to make it even worse, the 3rd person made several more comments to me... about more issues they had no history on... So instead of pissing me off over something they should have kept quiet on in the first place, they made it worse by injecting comments when they didn't know the whole story!!! I am so damn pissed right now I could scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Thanks for listening*

It's amazing

I can have the best day of the week - everything goes great - people are happy, I feel good... but one wrong thing can shatter me... bring me to tears, and drive me straight into a hole. I hit a wall and don't want to deal with anyone! Life Sucks! (as I sit here crying...already this morning!)

Now I'm NOT Happy

Okay - if I do something wrong - tell me... don't pretend that there is nothing wrong. If it's not a big deal, then drop it... but when I hear about this shit from 3 other people, then I get pissed. If it's not a big enough issue to talk to me about, then it's not a big enough issue to tell everyone else about. And you wonder why I don't say anything to anyone! It always turns around to be my fault... and people don't know the whole story!!!! I am SO SICK of this shit! This makes me madder than hell... at which point... everyone can just go straight there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Full-Time Mom

I am not sure where I am going with this blog, but I need to express myself. I am so tired of people who have a spouse, or even joint custody, bitching and moaning, talking about how hard it is to be a single parent. You have NO CLUE! You are a single parent part time - you have the time to walk into the house and not hear a sound, or climb in a hot bath and know that the kids are busy and you can relax. But a full-time single parent is different. I work full-time and am a mom full-time. I love my child with all my heart and he is the center of my universe - I wouldn't trade him for the world.. although there are days where a few minutes would be nice. I can't just disappear in a bubble bath because he is into something... or pounding on the door. I can't chat on the phone... because when I have a phone call, it appears to be the ONLY time he wants to talk. I can't tell someone to watch him for a few minutes while I run an errand or two. He is at my side, chained, my charge. Next time you have to complain about not getting 4 minutes to yourself to finish a phone call or 20 minutes for a hot shower, think about those of us who are true full-time SINGLE parents, with full-time jobs, who have a busy life from the time our eyes open to the time our eyes close. We need to be mom and dad, protector and punisher, teacher and student, friend and adult. Just try my shoes and tell me how hard it really is!!

For the most part...

It's been a good week... except, of course, when I asked a question that I knew better than to ask, to the person I asked, because I knew damn well what he would say, and he would point out a problem I have that I can't seem to shake - I have trouble with my self-esteem... but I knew that! He told me I do a good job and know my stuff, and am a smart person. I guess there is a silver lining in the rain cloud... And then, last night, I had 3 people tell me that they appreciate me for all I do, even the most meanial tasks, without payment. I then received a token of appreciation for all the work I do to help out and volunteer when needed. And then, today, I was told that someone actually admires me... for what I do, how hard I work, how I try to keep focused, being a single mom, a full-time employee, a part-time intern, and trying to be a mom, a friend, and a good employee. That made me feel good, to have someone tell me that they think I do a good job.

So, in all aspects of the situation... if someone does something good or puts others before themselves... don't forget to tell them thank you... those two little words can go a long way and mean so much...

When you ask...

I have learned, but need to re-iterate, that if you have the courage to ask questions, you need to have the courage to accept the answers you will receive...

Left Behind

Have you ever felt that you become a part of something and all is great...and then suddenly things start to change and you end up left behind?

It's Been A While

I know I haven't written for a while... I am struggling to figure out who I am and what I am doing. I feel so lost and alone - I feel stranded with no where to go. I am not sure what is going on. I have been frustrated and angry, stressed and confused. Right now, I hate myself and hate everything about me. I just want to curl up. I am so unhappy and so confused, but why? I feel like everything I do is wrong, and no one really cares anymore. I am back to obsessing with my weight - I'm on the scale every day and I am unhappy. Several days this past week, I have refused to step on it because I knew, in the back of my mind, that the numbers were up... instead of going ballistic because I suddenly weighed too much, I opted to just ignore in and assume that my life is going down the tubes... I am in such a funk right now, I'm not sure how to get out. I am depressed about my weight, my looks, my body, I figure everything that goes wrong is my fault, I should be able to do everything without asking for help, and I should be the one who worry about everyone else first. Life sucks!

OCD & Self-Confidence

Were you aware that when you suffer from OCD, anxiety & an eating-disorder... it's REALLY hard to have a high level of Self-Confidence & Self-Esteem?????? I was told, this week, that I need to work on my self-confidence... by the same person who told me that anxiety & depression are "all in the mind". I am frustrated... and kinda angry and hurt... no one seems to understand. I feel so alone in this situation. I would love to be more confident, but where do I start? My body image sucks, I feel fat & ugly, I am angry & hurt, I feel betrayed & misunderstood... I don't know where to start...

More "Perfect" People

I hate pool parties. This weekend was one of those. I went, but didn't feel very social. All the girls had flat tummies (only a few have had kids) and all of them were in two-piece suits. Talk about feeling like shit. And then there are the guys. They don't have to shave their legs, they don't have to have a flat stomach, and THEY DON'T CARE... and no one looks at them like they should lose weight or cover up!!!! I hate my body and I really want a tummy tuck so I can fit in and be happier. Maybe it would even boost my self-esteem and self-confidence. I went to be social, but I sat and watched from the sidelines, trying to soak up the relaxation aspect... but, instead, was getting stressed over my body image.

I Want To Say Thanks

After my last post, it may not make sense, but I just want to say Thank You to everyone who visits my blog and those who have supported me. Thank you. :)

I'm having a "dark" day

Today has been rough. I feel like a miserable piece of shit who is worthless. I'm not sure why, but I suddenly have this feeling. Every so often I get like this. I have been on my meds, so that's not it. I just can't understand what's wrong with me. Everyone tells me I'm pretty and have a great smile. Why am I so lonely and miserable? Obviously there is something more... a good friend of mine just had a birthday and I told him we would grab some dinner - my treat. He agreed, but always seems to have an excuse. Is he ashamed to be seen with me? Am I really that ugly and gross? I can't help but figure it's ME with the problem... which makes me feel fat and gross... thus leading to me not eating because, god forbid, I'll get fat (ter). I automatically figure there is something wrong with me... because it can't possibly be anyone else's fault or flaw. I feel so fat & gross, but I know I'm not THAT fat... I have tried numerous weight loss pills... is that bad??? I am so depressed and hurt... what should I do?????

I have a dilemma

I have a dilemma at work and I'm getting frustrated. I have worked for our director for several years and we basically have the same value and view our jobs the same - work hard, get it done, don't let people down, and do it right the first time. I am working on the "don't take it personal" aspect... but that's just me. And then there is the "ask for help" segment... I hate asking for help because I can do it all... it might kill me... but it'll get done... which is another "value" I inherited from my director. (Wasn't that nice of him to share????)

Anyway, there is a manager between me and him. He is a nice guy and does know his stuff, but lately, his attitude has really sucked. All I hear is "I don't care anymore" "Why bother?" "I don't give a rat's ass about this guy". This attitude is really starting to piss me off. I get very frustrated.

And then, to add insult to injury, both our internal people and those at remote locations do not like to call in and talk to him because he has made several mistakes and they are not that forgiving. So he gets mad when they call and talk to me. (Is this childish or what?) So many people have given me tasks because he lets them slip through.

So, I am doing the work of two or more people, my director says to ask for help, but the only person to ask is the one with the bad attitude who doesn't follow through.

I am frustrated and not sure what to do. I am not going to quit because my director made a special effort to bring me on board and be "someone he can trust and count on to get things done right". I'm sure he sees it, but I am not going to be a tattle-tale.

There are so many mixed signals. Maybe I'll just sit quietly at my desk, in my office, do my work, and dismiss the world... I am caught in a Catch-22.

Technology Sucks!

I tried to update my son's computer... it didn't work. So, I decided to reformat the whole damn thing because it was mine and I had things on and off it. Files were bad... he only plays games... I figured "what the hell?" I had the disk and the code, so away I went. I hit start and reformatted everything... no turning back... everything was gone. I tried to get back in and the code they gave me doesn't fit in the registration, so I was totally screwed. Now it didn't work at all. I had to call the company and find out what to do... but that was after I swore like a truck driver and had a few tantrums...

Rule of thumb... stay away from technology unless you absolutely HAVE to deal with it!!!!!!

I hate being sick!

Here I am, suffering from my yearly sinus infection. I am too damn stubborn to see a doctor. And I feel like my head is going to explode... and I am on the phones all day at work. I just am in the mood to complain because I hate being sick! I don't have time...

Shoes

Do I really need ANOTHER pair of shoes? Went to the store to buy one pair of dress shoes... walked out with 4 pair... 2 styles, each in a different color. My rational... they look cool. I will wear them and I do have outfits to go with my shoes. Is this just a woman thing or am I just crazy? I guess you can say I have a shoe fetish. Oh well, I'm a woman and it's my perogative!!!!!

One More Day

Yesterday I struggled and I managed to eat very little. I knew that the scale was taunting me and I had to get the numbers back down. I drank a lot of water and an occasional piece of candy, but nothing with too much substanance. I listened to my stomach growl and my head was pounding, but having been through it all before, the first day is the worst and it can only get better. No one was home last night so I didn't have to worry about sitting down for a meal. (Whew!)

This morning I woke up and knew I had to eat, so made a fried egg - not spectacular - but it was food - on my way out the door to class. Class was a lot of training - I was tired... I drank plenty of water, but I survived on the small "breakfast" I ate (if that's what you want to call it).

My son and I came home and I took a nap - I was exhausted. I took him to a halloween party and then I went to dinner with my mom. I had a stomach ache and felt nausious, maybe because I hadn't eaten. I ate my salad and had a few bites of my meal, and brought the rest home. It was hard - I love mexican food, but I didn't want to eat it... I need to control my intake.

When I dropped my son off, I got to see more "perfect" people with "perfect" bodies looking "perfect" to all the guys. I get so frustrated. I hate my tummy from the baby. I can't get it to go away. I still want plastic surgery. I wish I could be pretty, thin, etc, etc, etc. I get so angry. I'm not sure who I'm mad at - I'm not sure who to blame - but if I can get my thinking on track, I can be the one in control. That's what I need - I need to be in control...

Hope today is better

Last night was rough. My whole day was pretty much shot to hell. The day was just never-ending. I was convinced that everything that went wrong would inevitably come back to being blamed on me. I put on my big baggy lounge clothes and curled up in my bed. When that didn't help, I tried to blog, but that didn't do much for me either. I just have not felt entirely myself. Maybe it has a lot to do with my meds - I know I need to stay on them because I can run about 2 weeks without taking them before my body goes through a complete mental, physical & emotional breakdown. And when that day comes, it's not a pretty site. I woke up this morning with my mind still spinning - not sure of who's mad at me or what I did wrong. I only have a short drive to work, so I took the long way- went from 10 minutes to almost 20 - just enough for me to listen to my tunes and try to gather my thoughts. I hate it when my mind is going in so many directions. It's just as bad as hearing voices... I think. I want everyone to be better and happy. I even apologized to several people for my "attitude deficiency" yesterday. I was told I didn't have to apologize and that everyone has those days. I just always feel like I need to apologize... just in case I did something wrong without knowing.

I feel lile crawling into a hole

Today I have been in "a mood" - not really sure what is going on, but today was bad. Maybe it's because the weather is changing, the leaves are falling, the wind is blowing, the sun is missing, and it's raining. Or maybe because my mind is just totally fucked up.

I felt like I was the biggest dork on earth and that everyone's problems or anger was caused by me. (I probably wasn't the cause, but then again...)

I am sitting here, in my sweats and a big baggy sweatshirt, trying to clear my mind by writing, but it's not working. I want to just crawl into my bed, pull the covers over me and hide forever. I feel like a miserable piece of shit today.

I don't like feeling like this, but I don't know how to shake it. I want to just curl up and die... so no one will have to deal with my mistakes or put up with my depressing attitude.

I am scared and alone.

My mind plays tricks on me

I get so obsessed with making everyone happy that when I feel like someone is upset, I automatically assume it's because of me (and don't bother using the "when you assume, you make an ass out of you and me" phrase - been there done that).

I guess I just figure that if people are miserable, it's because I, myself, have done something wrong, or done something to upset them. It never crosses my mind that maybe there are other reasons... I automatically figure it's me... me... all me...

I believe this has a lot to do with my OCD personality - I want everyone to be happy and I feel that if they are miserable, then I haven't given enough of myself or I have made a mistake. Then, if others aren't happy, then I get upset because that's probably my fault too - when suffering from depression.

Living a life in the mindset of an OCD behavior, where everything has to be "just so"... or in my case... perfect... it makes life hard. It's tough enough to keep myself in line, let alone keep the world around me in sync.

I am a victim of behavioral disorders that I have tried so many times to overcome and recover from, but I keep getting sucked down into the darkness. My mind starts to play tricks on me and I feel as if I'm to blame when someone else has a problem - like it's my fault and I cause it, some way, shape, or form.

I met someone but I'm nervous

I met this man - he is awesome. He is older than me but that doesn't matter. He is like a big teddybear who is sensitive and caring. He makes me smile & laugh. He calls me and he apologizes. We have things in common (what a concept!). He even commented, after we talked about my failed relationship I hate to admit to as a 4 year marriage, that "there are nice guys out there." I replied with my usual "yeah right whatever" attitude. He chimed in with "like me". I had to laugh - he was so cute, almost like dropping a not-so-subtle hint of saying he was available. We talked and I told him I'm here is he wants me. He will be on a business trip for a few weeks - I told him I would miss him. I think we both feel the same, it's just that we are both busy and are both not wanting to get hurt. I would like to find happiness. Does this sound like the right road?

I am struggling and I need to talk

This weekend has been rough. Actually, the past week has been bad. I have ventured into "opportunities" that may not be right or moral, but they were a lot of fun. I felt good about myself.

It has been almost 2 weeks since I have taken my medication for my anxiety disorder. I haven't taken it because my son needed to see his doctor and have his medicine, and the cash flow was tight. I guess he was more important than me. I can deal with myself if I'm not medicated, but I'm not sure if anyone else can. I need to make sure my son is good tho. He is harder to handle when he is missing his meds.

I can tell I've been off my meds because I am getting very scatter-brained and very short-fused. I try not to, but it suddenly seems like everyone is pushing my buttons and picking a fight with me. Or maybe it's just that I am tettering on the edge of a mental breakdown.

I have had this discussion with a few other people and they tell me that it is all in my head. God, I wish I could belileve it, but it's not true. They feel stress and frustration, but they have no clue... once again leading back to "you can't say you understand or tell someone how to fix it if you have never been in the situation".

As I have mentioned, I am a girl who is struggling - I suffer from anxiety and OCD. My meds help regulate my depressive thoughts of eating disorders, cutting, and self-inflicted injury.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone about it because so many just do not understand what is happening.

I'm not sure what to do, but I just wanted to talk.

Thanks for listening...

Your friend, Tere

I Get Really Frustrated with "Perfect" People

I had to go to a party today and it made me so frustrated.
Here are all these girls/ladies who have had babies and they are still "perfect" - thin bodies, tight jeans, and everything just in the right place. It did not look like any of them had kids - let alone more than one. I had one and my body has gone straight to hell.
I really hate perfect people.
I wish I had a thin, sexy bikini body. I wish I had a perfect husband, who is caring, sensitive, helpful, and cute (an added bonus). I wish I had a house of my own and a sporty car to drive. I wish I didn't have to live paycheck to paycheck.
What am I doing wrong? Why did I draw the short straw on the whole relationship / child-bearing / future happiness poker game???
I am so frustrated I want to scream!

Exhaustion has set in

I am a multi-tasker who, somedays, feels like the energizer bunny.

I am constantly moving and constantly doing something... but when I stop moving, C-YA!!!! I am out!

This past week has been bad. I was out of town last weekend and was tired of driving and life in general by the time I made it home. I then opted to get on the computer and that shot the rest of my night... and that led into my nasty habit of little or no sleep all week.

I went to bed WAYYYYY too late Sunday, Monday was work and then had some errands to run and things to take care of, Tuesday I had work, got home from class late, and then sat on the internet for 3 hours... Oh yeah, and then yesterday was exactly like Tuesday. I have spent more time on the internet in the past week than I have for a long time.

It seems like addiction will keep you up until all hours doing things that you probably shouldn't be, but man, when the sun comes up the next morning, pain sets in... and it's miserable.

So right now, lack of sleep and lots of B-12 is running my life. And I am ready to drop in exhaustion... and by the way, I guess not eating because I'm angry with myself isn't helping...

All the Answers

I just wanted to ask - have you ever run into a situation where there is always someone out there that knows all the answers? Unfortunately, it's usually when they haven't listened to the full question. I experienced that yesterday and today. And being the type of person I am, I was so ready to jump on it and say "I don't think so" but I didn't. Sometimes guys just can't seem to handle listening before talking. They also can't seem to handle being wrong. In this case, I let them believe that what they know is the "real" story and that they are right. I am not going to argue because there are some times that it just doesn't pay to waste my breath. I guess what matters is that I know the truth and that is that!

Okay - Today is better

I got on the scale, with my eyes closed, and took a deep breath before looking. The numbers went down. Hooray!!!!

Yesterday I drank water and green tea, ate a few pieces of candy, and had dinner. For the most part, I did good enough for the numbers to drop, but I know, in my mind, that doing it that way was wrong - my tummy talked to me all day, but I ignored it.

Okay, so maybe I am not condoning the way I dropped a few pounds, but it does help me get my mind and focus back in check... seeing I can't reach around to give myself a swift kick!!!!!!

The Scale Made Me Mad!

After a long weekend, I got up this morning and hopped on the scale. I DID NOT like what I saw. The numbers had gone up and now my mood has gone down. I am depressed and disgusted. I started my day with a vitamin drink and a piece of gum... not the best breakfast, but I really need to get my numbers down... so I guess this is how I will do it today. I won't be happy until they go down - even 2 would be nice - I'm hoping this just might be water weight... but we'll see...

Thin Line Between Worlds

I seem to be walking a thin line between worlds.

I am stuck on the eatng disorder situation - an obsessive compulsive with anorexic and bulemic tendencies. I am also sexually frustrated... I have been alone for so long - I like to read erotica, I even do some writing. I feel sexually disfunctioned - I'm not sure how to express myself...

It seems that the lines I am walking are between worlds that are Taboo... anorexia, bulemia, erotica, sexual pleasure, porn, you name it...

I am just VERY frustrated and I want to satisfy myself by feeling good.

Long Weekend - Stressful????

This has been a long weekend. I was busy Friday night, got up early Saturday (yesterday), hit the road to drive up north (at least it was a nice day and the fall scenery was spectacular), but it made for a long start. And then we were out and about until 6:30 last night. I behaved on the junk food yesterday, but maybe my options for dinner were not the best. I ate too much (or at least in my own mind), felt like crap, and just really wanted to curl up in a ball. I woke up this morning and ducked out of our room - everyone was sleeping, so I went downstairs to wander... and look what I found - a computer (right next to the coffee shop! I am not a coffee drinker, but hell, it smelled good!!!!!!!!!)! How awesome is that to be "hooked up" no matter where we go nowadays!!!! Anyway - I ate nutritious last night, but the sodium kicked my ass. I woke up feeling like the marshmallow man - my body felt so bloated that if you had tossed me in the pool, I would have floated like an inflatable sea monster!!! Guess I need to screw my head back on straight and snap out of it. Today is another new day and I need to just get back on track.

Have a good weekend...

Me and My Body Image

I just need to talk... these thoughts are flooding and I need to talk...

I'm having some issues with my body image lately. I look at myself and feel okay when the lights are dim (VERY dim) or when I am in a certain position, but otherwise I feel like a fat, gross, ugly pig. I am a girl of broad shoulders and great muscle mass, but my body drives me nuts. I look down and hate myself. I see what having a child has done to my body. I am so angry. I love my son with all my heart, but I could not mentally and emotionally have another child, the stress would kill me. I want to see if I can cut out enough calories to burn off that stupid "kangaroo pouch"... I know, logically, it's NOT possible - the skin is way too stretched, that nothing will get rid of it, but I feel that if I try... I mean REALLY try - maybe it will. I have even been one to try pretty much all the diet pills on the market... the only thing I have lost is money - they are useless... unless someone has found an over the counter diet pill that actually works... help me here. It's gotta to be either starve myself or try whatever pills are available... but maybe someday I can afford to go under the knife and solve at least one of my problems...

Thanks for listening...

Erotica Thinking

Is is wrong for me to have fantasies going through my head? I have been divorced for many years and have been on my own - just me and my child... no one else. No one who understands the responsibility of having to take care of a small human being. No one who understands working full time and going 36 hours a day... nope, a single mom's day does not stop at 24... I honestly could use 36 or more... maybe I would get something accomplished.

Anyway, back to what I started with... I have found someone who TOTALLY turns me on. He knows it... and I think he enjoys the "bond" we share. His smile melts me and his body turns me on. I can't help but watch him walk by and I casually brush against him when I get the chance. The smell of his body, of his cologne, fills my senses and relaxes me. I want to touch him so I have his scent on me, so I have him with me. He is just sexy, in his own way, and makes my heart beat fast. He knows what to say to turn me on. He knows how to raise my blood pressure and how to make me blush. He even knows how to make my body hard and he always lets me know when he sees my chest is standing at attention. At first it felt wierd, but now that I know he is looking and it turns him on, it turns me on too. I want him to run his fingertips over them, touching the soft, yet firmness. Is that wrong? It is wrong that thinking of that makes me rush really bad. My body gets hot and sweaty, I get damp and moist, and just want to find him next to me, holding me close and snuggling against me. I close my eyes and imagine him with me. Our bodies together, just melting into one, the heat relaxing us both, nothing to disturb us, nothing to break us. Maybe I have been alone too long. Maybe he has come along to give me a reason to live. I don't know, but part of me feels wierd having thoughts like this, yet part of me shudders at the thought of him touching me and being physically close to me.

I am on a "Rush"

I am a multi-tasker who just can't seem to sit still. Normally, when I quit moving, it's usually because I have dropped from exhaustion.

Today was a busy day at work with an over-abundance to do... and I really... REALLY hate to ask for help... I feel that if it lands on my desk, it's mine to finish... or die trying (it's the "Take Ownership" thing we learned about in a meeting). Definitely a bad thing to define when discussing it with an Obsessive Compulsive person... too bad, for so many, hind site is 20/20.

Anyway, I woke up late, went in early, busted my ass, worked late, ran errands, ate dinner, and then did a barrage of things around the house that needed to be done... like packing for my weekend trip tomorrow morning... I guess looking at a duffle bag with my swimming suit and haircare products IS NOT going to get the packing done... maybe if I just think a little harder????

I even brought home a whole pile of work to do... but as you can tell, I am using the computer to do "other things" instead of work... I guess work can wait until Sunday night... oh hell, how about we just wait till Monday morning, at work... sounds kinda good.

I have been multi-tasking since I got home... keeping my child on track, trying to pack (Yeah, right), updating my blogger site, checking out other sites, playing with our cats, cleaning out my car, emptying the trash, you name it...

I am starting to get tired... it's been a long day with quite a bit of stress... but if I lay down to watch tv, I might as well write myself off until morning... and then I'll be in a rush all over again...

I guess we''ll see.

Fuzzy Sweater and a Sexy Guy

There are several guys who look totally hot whether they are dressed in business attire to come to work or dressed in faded jeans to mow the lawn...

But when you have the one who looks great dressed up, it's even more of a turn on when they come through the door wearing a terrific sweater! I guess you have to understand what you see when he walks through the door - he is tall and lean, a sweet smile on his face, that seductive twinkle in his eye, nice-fitting dress pants (if you know what I mean), and this awesome sweater. You know the kind - the one that is actually kinda soft and fuzzy, but looks so clean and sharp. The kind I would like to put on and just snuggle up in.

Nothing is more comforting and sexy than snuggling up and feeling the fuzzy soft sweater material against my skin.

I wanted, so bad, to walk up behind him, and wrap my arms around his chest, resting my head on the soft material, smelling his cologne, feeling his warmth radiating. But even better yet, would have been to slide my hands under the sweater and enjoy the softness of the sweater, the feel of him warm lean body, and the smell of his cologne, that takes me away to a place of no stress.

My job - no one else wants it

I have been in customer service for over 12 years. It is a job that takes it toll.

It seems as though a person in the Customer Service field is one that can handle being yelled at, blamed, accused, and NEVER right. Remember, everyone else is right - customer service people are always wrong. (no matter what, no matter how right we are).

Why are we always the bad people? Customers don't like our answers, our buyers don't like our demands, the manufacturing floor think we're being asses, just because we can. (I really wish I could be a bitch "just because" and make obnoxious demands "for the fun of it" and be this way because "I have nothing better to do".) Yeah, good luck on that - hell, I can't even get out of the office on time because everyone else has something critical that has to be handled.

Tell you what... take my job for a day (if you're lucky to last that long), and see why any person in customer service has the temperment they do... just deal with the people I deal with on a daily basis (maybe even more than once or twice a day) and you try to be pleasant and polite to those around you as they wonder why you haven't gotten the other 15 tasks done that have no definite critical need. Talk to the customers who have people yelling at them, or talk to people who have broken things that need replacement so they don't lose money, or talk to me and ask me WHY THE HELL AM I IN CUSTOMER SERVICE, by choice, taking daily abuse...

I haven't found ONE person who would do my job - they think I am absolutely nuts to have done this for so long... maybe I am and that's why I do it...

Go figure!!!!! It's the nature of the business, the nature of the position, and the nature of the beast.

Did you see Starving for Perfection?

Last night, on E!, they had an Investigates show called Starving for Perfection. I watched it in awe, after being a long-time victim of the eating disorder world. I got chills up and down me as I listened to their stories and their symptoms. In more than one case, I got goosebumps as I was able to say "I've been there, I've done that, oh my god, someone else feels the same way".

It was disturbing to realize how many people suffer and try to get help. It's even more-so on how many suffer day-by-day in silence because people do not understand. In today's society, it's easier to deny the problem than trying to find a way to fix something like this.

I have to say, I have been there. I have been anorexic and I still fall into the self-starvation mode when I feel the numbers on the scale are not being nice. I may get a craving and then eat, after which I feel like absolute shit, so I head to the bathroom, lock the door and purge. Otherwise, laxatives work well, except for the cramping that doubles me over. I have also been known to get totally stressed and numb, which is where the cutting disorder rears it's head. Feeling the blade pierce the skin makes me feel like I am truly still human - waking me from a scary dark fog that clouds my mind. The sharp pain is a reminder. It's scary and kinda gross, but not much worse than starving or purging.

Disorders are bad and can do some serious damage. As I have mentioned previously, I have been a closet sufferer for so many years. My parents and friends would never understand, so it is much easier to keep it quiet. Although, admitting it is the first step, getting help is the big one. It won't go away on it's own - it's a skeleton that hangs in your closet, no matter how well you feel you have confonted it. Unless you get professional help, that skeleton will keep swinging the door open and showing itself.

If you don't do it for yourself, do it for those you love and those who love you. They may not understand the disorder, but they would understand even less if you end up dying from something they don't know how to explain.

Multi-tasking as a Single Mom

Today was one, pretty much like all the others. Everyone wants everything..yesterday. I am a single mom who works full-time, so I need to get my school-age child ready, homework done, backpack filled, lunch made, projects done, and be as "friendly" as possible. I even have to be able to read his mind, know what he wants, and tell him where he left his shoes (that HE wore last) and where HE put his video game (when I told him to get to bed). Oh yes, as a mom, I have also been required to pass Mind-Reading 101 and Eyes In The Back of My Head 102. I am so used to doing so many things at once, that I have found sitting down to read a book is tuly an inconvenience for me - I'm not busy doing something productive, constructive, or just plainly... an absolute necessity in the figment of my mind. Even when I am the victim of technology, I have 2 computers going, checking emails, doing work, planning my teaching schedule, downloading music to my MP3, sending instant messages... and then I am texting on my phone as I am running around like a chicken with my head cut off. Let's not forget feeding my child, feeding the animals, doing my nails, watching (or listening to) a movie, and then trying to figure what I will do if I fall asleep and waste some of my time...

Have I told you how SEXY he is??

Whether he is wearing dress pants, shirt & tie... or faded blue jeans and tshirt.. he is so damn SEXY!

I want to just watch him all day long - his walk, his manners, his voice, his smile, his laugh, his cute smirk when he knows I know.

He looks good no matter what. I want to taste the sweetness of his tender lips. I want to feel his body against mine.

Just had to share...

Miss Attitude Back At Cha!

Have you ever felt that you were living Friday the 13^th over and over again… and it isn’t even Friday the 13^th… YET????

Everything that I have done, attempted to do, thought about doing, touched, or encountered since I woke up this morning has gone wrong, or, even worse, blown up in my face. I feel like I’m continually reliving a real-life nightmare!

I do not like it when people have closed-door meetings. I feel like they are talking about me. I feel like I have done something wrong and people are afraid to tell me. If I have, please be polite and talk to me. Tell me what is going on. I will fix the problem, but if you shoot me down behind my back, then you are giving me every possible reason to be nasty right out of the gate. (And man, this chic can be NASTY!)

If you are going to start out on the defensive and pick a fight with me without knowing both sides, please be advised that you have given yourself an open invitation to be meeting with the horns of the bull, head on, smack dab in your face! I will not pull rank and I will let the world slide by, but if you decide to start out with an attitude, be prepared to meet Miss Attitude Back At Cha!

Overall, I am a passive person, who really lets people do what they want, including, on many occasions, walk all over me and take advantage of my mild demeanor. I don’t try to rock the boat. I try to do what is right. I will accept responsibility and I will admit when I am wrong. Like they have always told me, you learn from your mistakes and move on. If you don’t make mistakes, then something is wrong because no one is perfect. And if you don’t learn from the mistakes you have made, then you are just plain stupid. Like I said, I am passive and don’t get upset very easy or very often. Most likely you will find me stressing out or playing mind games with myself, or getting all bent about things I cannot control… but being an obsessive compulsive personality, that’s my nature and something I have yet to learn to control or ignore…

Feeling Treatened by a Person's Presence

Have you ever experienced a threat to your emotional self, when someone comes into your life? You know it really should be no big deal, but deep inside you, something just doesn't feel right?
Is it intuition or instinct?
I'm sure it isn't personal (at least I hope it isn't), but I still get a feeling of my position being threatened, I still get me a strange feeling deep down in my tummy.
Maybe I am jumping to conclusions. Maybe I am just insecure in this situation. Maybe I have absolutely NOTHING to worry about, but something just doesn't feel right.
I hate feeling threatened, especially mentally and emotionally, by someone who doesn't belong. Physical threatening I can work with, and defend myself against. But mentally throws me into a spin I can't seem to stop. I feel like I'm losing control.
Has anyone else ever felt this way????

Post It Notes

Can post-it notes be an "organizational tool"? I have had people tell me both yes and no. I find they work well for reminders... they stick to calendars, cell phones, dashboards, checkbooks, and even, occasionally, foreheads (when I get desperately forgetful!).

They are so cool - they have multitude of colors, shapes, sizes, and formats. Pastels, brights, ocean, pastels, round, square, rectangle, flower, heart, 1 x 1-1/2, 2 x 2, 3 x 3, regular, pop-up, lined, notecards.

What more can a person ask for? I look at the desk in front of me and find a muti-color small tablet, a larger yellow pile, some pop-ups, and a standard pad of plain. Like I said before, what more could a person ask for?

Eating Disorders - Part II

In the 1st blog, I talked about how my body was when I was 23. I had the worst time with my weight. I was not happy, no matter what, it seemed. I worked out and didn't eat. I lost weight and so many people around me noticed, they complimented how good I looked. I was beaming from ear to ear - happy to finally be noticed, to finally be thin. I then got an ultimatum that if I lost more weight, my significant other would leave me. He thought I looked thin, sick, and miserable. I felt great - I felt happy and sexy. I could get into clothes that I never could. What a rush! When people realized that I had lost it "that" way, then I was like a witch being banished - they never said any more, even when I lost weight the "correct" way. I'm not sure what hurt worse... having people not complimenting me or feeling that I am overweight so no one notices me.

I really feel that those people out there with any type of eating disorder, borderline or full-blown... get help because, speaking from over 10 years of suffering, it won't go away by itself...

I Want To Have Plastic Surgery

I want to have a tummy tuck. I am totally obsessed with watching the plastic surgery shows on TV. I watch how these people change and I wish I were them. I have had a child and my tummy has a pouch. I can't get rid of it with exercise and I am really frustrated. As I have mentioned previously, I am an obsessive compulsive personality who has gone through eating disorders. I guess all these add to up to a wrong answer, eh?

I so want to be able to fit into my jeans that don't make me look like a kangaroo.

I want to put on my thong underwear and not have my pouch in tow. I am depressed with my body... is plastic surgery right?

Falling Hard For Mr. Wrong (at this moment... but maybe SOMEDAY)

Have you ever fallen for someone that you know is totally wrong?

I know I tend to find myself doing stupid things like that - either they're rebels, they're much older, they're so much younger, they're bad influences, or they're just plain taken...

I have found myself in that predicament as we speak... I am totally taken in by someone my own age, who just happens to be in a relationship.

He is unhappy where he is, but with so many people in that situation, you stick it out for the kids. He is such a sweetheart and I have known him for so many years. He is such a sweet man with a heart of gold. He is relaxed and understanding. He is talented and smart. He is sexy in all possible means of the word - his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his personality.

We can talk and laugh, like old friends. We can even communicate like soul mates. There is something very special about him and I am so glad he is here for me to lean on... Maybe it's wrong, but being around him feels so right... I wish that maybe, some day, all the glitches can work out and maybe I have truly found my soul mate - it's just that he is in the wrong place right now... Maybe someday... I'm going to keep my fingers crossed...

Victim of Eating Disorders - Part I

Has anyone been a victim of an eating disorder? (I guess that's a loaded question, considering today's society if full of peer pressure and the pressure of the press to be thin...)

The world is so obsessed with beauty and outside appearances. What has driven us to this? Has it been the athletes we idolize? The stars we wish we could be like? The superstars who are constantly in the spotlight? I can honestly say that if you have never had to battle an eating disorder, no matter what kind, you CANNOT say that you understand. An eating disorder is the way for an obsessive compulsive personality to have just a little more control over things. I can speak from experience. At around 23 years old, I got totally into working out and getting fit. The world wanted women to be sexy and thin… so I started spending many days a week at the gym… and then combining it with not eating and drinking lots of water… I lost weight. It was awesome. I felt sexy… I felt great. At 5’9”, I was weighing in at around 140-lbs… which was well under the ideal weight for my height and frame… but the standards showed it being an ideal weight.

Deciding to BLOG IT!

I have decided to give this a shot - to be able to share feelings and experiences with everyone else... and get feedback on how you react.

If you read something that hits home, let me know that I am not alone...